Friday, July 12, 2013
Sorry for being AWOL so much this month. Thing's have been... difficult.
I'll be straight up honest and say I have been off the wagon for the past two weeks. I haven't even been tracking or weighing myself. I don't think I've been outrageous, though, because during the work week I've still been sticking to my usual meal choices that keep me on the lower side of things, but my problem is when I get home after work and gorge on bad things like cheese dip and Rice Krispie treats. *Sigh* It's all a symptom of a greater problem though.
The main thing is that I've been quite depressed, but I've only come to realize it recently. My mood has mostly stemmed from the problem that had me super depressed during the last leg of my marriage, and which broke the camel's back in that whole scenario: Stagnation. Or I guess what I should say is that I'm upset with myself and the current state of my life. I feel like I'm going nowhere, that I'm struggling financially and all the energy I put into a job that robs me of any social time or normal hours or whatever is getting me nowhere. I feel trapped and unable to move up in life, especially since I lack an aspiration/goal/job that I can pursue and feel fulfilled in that pursuit. Not only am I not doing something that I love, but don't have a clue as to what I could do that I would love. It's makes me feel like failure, and that's always been an Achilles' heel of mine.
I've also been struggling with relationships recently. There is a co-worker of mine who I've gotten really friendly with. We like to chat at work and recently have started going to lunch together or getting a beer after work. He is outrageously generous with his compliments towards me, whether they be about my being a good person or being beautiful or intelligent or whatever, and was really shocked and affected when I considered transferring to another department in the company. Even though he's easily got twenty years on me, I'm afraid there might be something more than platonic friendship in his eyes, and that scares me. And it's not just him - another co-worker (a straight up hound dog, I might add) tried to - ah - bark up my tree (and every other female co-worker's tree), and anything like that gives me extreme fits of anxiety.
In fact. Anything beyond polite co-worker banter scares the living daylights out of me. With the exception of a few people that I have known and been intimate with previously, I can't seem to have any degree of intimacy with anyone, platonic or otherwise. The anxiety is sudden and mentally devastating. I go into bouts where I don't want to interact with anyone, let alone have feelings for anyone. There are some days where I wonder if I can even feel fondness or love for another human being. It makes me want to stay in my house for the rest of my life. I'm serious when I say I have zero intent to have another relationship ever again, not only because I'm not interested but because I fear I'm not even capable of those kinds of emotions anymore. Sometimes I feel like I can never be close to anyone in any way ever again.
And I know that sounds dramatic. I know. It's only been about a year since the marriage fell apart, since my heart was broken and there are still a lot of unresolved issues concerning that. No doubt the wounds in my soul will take years to recover, and it's way too soon to expect myself to be capable of relationships right now. I'm just worried about this anxiety. Such things have been an issue for a lot of people in my family, by father being a self-professed agoraphobic for the past 27 years. I've seen what happens when this kind of thing gets out of control and straight up ruins you, and I worry that something like that might already be in the process somewhere inside of me.
Hopefully I'm being overly wary, and all of this is just one of those weird phase thingy's and I'm just in a transition process like I've been for the past 14 months of so. What would really help is if I could regain my focus on accomplishing something and feeling like I'm doing something of significance.
Tomorrow is pay day (Thank God!) and I'm determined to get back on the right foot financially. Also I'm going to do my best to get myself back to eating in the right calorie ranges and hopefully improving my diet will improve some of this bad mojo inside me. Not to mention, I take the CRAT, which is a cardiology certification test, next Thursday, and I've been studying my butt off, reading textbooks and pestering my superiors at work with questions. I only missed four questions on the practice test, which greatly impressed my superiors, so hopefully this test isn't as big and bad as I fear. If I pass, I immediately get a dollar raise at work, which would help a lot. Not only that, but this certification is the step in the direction of a career path. It makes me eligible for promotion and management training, and if I pass the supervisory CCT test in six months, then I could get another dollar raise and even be qualified to work in cardiology wards and large hospitals. Bottom line - career, money, progress, possibilities.
Needless to say, studying my butt off has been a good distraction from the bad mojo of the past few weeks. And if I do manage to pass it (I refuse to be overconfident), then that will make me feel extremely good! And I believe that the invigoration will be enough to get me back to my old, confident, positive self, and I can start making progress on my life in general.
At the very least it's good to be blogging again! I need to make a better effort of being more active on this website.
Anywho, I hope you're all doing well! I know it hasn't seemed like it, but I've made a point to read everyone's blogs even if I don't comment on them or write my own! Hopefully you all know if you need any support or anything, I'm totally there for you even if it seems like I'm AWOL! Hopefully you're all having a great day and are ready to kick off a wonderful weekend! Please keep being the wonderful people and inspirations that you are! I seriously don't know what I would do without you guys sometimes.