Thursday, July 11, 2013
yesterday i spent an hour laying on my bed staring out the window feeling miserable. why does nothing work? i have no will power. i will never reach my goals. i cant control myself at all. these things spinning around in my head making me feel worse and worse. i cant ever eat the foods i like, the foods i can eat are horrible and leave me feeling hungry. i can only push myself so hard in my workouts, and i can only eat so little without getting physically ill and become the worlds biggest b*tch. i know these are all excuses, that i could change the way i do things. but i am not a fighter. i am not stubborn. when life kicks me in the face, i lay in the dirt and cry until someone comes to pick me up. and half the time, i dont even want to picked up. i am a quitter. im not saying im quitting this time, but looking at the history of my life, its what i do. when life gets hard, i back down. i hate fighting and i hate confrontations. i do get into them both but i hate it and usually end with crying. and thats basically what i have been doing the past few days. all around me are people who are losing weight and i cant. and i know, i KNOW i shouldnt compare myself to them. that i am me and not them. ive heard it all before. but it sucks when i feel like i try so hard and nothing happens. people tell me oh you look like you lost weight, or oh you look smaller. but i am not. i have not lost weight. my measurements have not gotten smaller. i feel hopeless. like i am doomed to be heavy and awkward my whole life. that i am not meant to be happy or look good. i need an overhaul on my entire life. and i have read so many articles on spark, about changing your diet without actually dieting, about how to stay motivated, about how to change the way you think about weight loss. i know what i am supposed to do and how i am supposed to do it. its just actually getting myself to do it that is hard. even when my brain is telling me to do it, i cant make my body cooperate. when the temptation of food i love is dangled in my face, my head screams NO GET AWAY even as my mouth is eating it. when it comes to exercise, my body says im tired even as my brain says get up and move. i just dont have the will power. my boyfriend says its mind over matter but it isnt. my brain is the motivated one. its my stupid body that wont listen, it just has a mind of its own and does what it wants. i am quickly becoming more depressed and the more i feel like this the more i am likely to eat. maybe if i was just a big a$$ f*cking whale i would finally get to the point that i hated life so much that i would either finally just end it or i would finally just change it. i just dont know what else to do.