I've been in denial
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I've been kidding myself for a good long while now... telling myself that it's ok to eat that pint of ice cream, big bag of crisps, and family size pack of Skittles all in one sitting because I'm stressed, and I'll deal with the repercussions later.
Here's the truth:
- I have a problem with binge eating, and the only way it will ever get better is if I stare it in the face
- Binge eating is not going to solve any of my problems
- Putting it off for another day is only going to make the problem bigger
Even while typing that, even though I know it's true, I don't feel quite ready to accept it. I *like* wolfing down big packets of chocolate and sweets. I *like* the sensation of being over-stuffed. I *like* saying 'sod it' and letting go of control. The prospect of turning my back on all of that is frightening, and makes me feel a little bit rebellious. And that's the truth of why I've never stayed on track in the long run.
There's another truth: I'm not happy in my skin right now. I pretend I don't feel hot wearing a cardigan in 30 degree heat so that I don't have to show off my flabby arms. I constantly wriggle and writhe trying to find seated positions that are both comfortable and flattering. I flinch when my boyfriend touches my stomach. I avoid seeing old friends because I don't want them to see what has become of me.
I suspect I'm not alone, but it often feels as though I am.
I've essentially finished my course and I have 8 weeks before I'm back in the classroom. I want to make changes I can stick with, even when the going gets tough (as it inevitably will), but I'm not really sure where to start.