Confused and Conflicted
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I gained some weight back; oddly enough I’m okay with it. No I’m not happy about it, but I’m not beating myself up either. It’s a strange sort of personal growth. Between house hunting, being in a class for work, and going back to Wisconsin for a week, the weight gain was partly expected and partly nowhere near as bad as it could have been if I had just returned 100% to old habits.
Here’s the low down. I’ve been house hunting, so some of my meal planning time has been spent looking on websites for houses for sale. Not making balanced meals and planning them out. I was in this training program for work, which was in a facility that had no refrigeration or microwave access. It did however have a subway. So I tried a few different sandwiches, always got the whole wheat had a salad a time or two and usually ended up with a muffin and fruit instead of my typical oatmeal and fruit with almonds. Going back to Wisconsin was hard. There are a lot of restaurants I have missed and when I go home I try to hit a few. I over indulged, but again nowhere near like it could have been and I enjoyed it and I have been doing better since I’ve been home.
What I really want to talk about it is this huge conflicted feeling I’ve been having. I had a childhood acquaintance commit suicide or accidentally overdose while I was home. I hadn’t talked to her in years, but we had much fun in our elementary school days. She had lived two houses down until her parents split up. She was a few years older than me and I hadn’t talked to her in years. She had a difficult childhood and her adult path had been just as bumpy. I’m sad, but I can’t seem to get too upset about it. A part of me already feels I had grieved for her many years ago when she started falling apart and separated herself from everyone. It saddens me when I think of her troubled life and how she’d come and go out of mine. I’m not sure how I am supposed to feel right now. Some of my friends are taking it hard, but I can’t seem to get too upset. Maybe cause part of me expected it to end like this. The drugs, the getting clean, the rehab, the coming out of rehab only to start the cycle again. The losing touch then her showing up strung out and needing help. I grieved then I think. I rejoiced many times when she’d make progress, because she truly was a sweet person who had a very troubled road to travel, but then my heart would break when she’d disappear again because I always knew what it meant. I think part of me is relieved for her. She’d been so tormented for so long, I hope wherever she is, it eases her pain. She had her share. I remember when her parents divorced they were fighting over who had to take her and who got to keep her sister. She’d never been wanted. I know everyone has their opinions and beliefs, but please don’t judge her. It isn’t our place. I just don’t know what to feel.
So that is one area of the conflict within me. I also have 4 friends that are pregnant and almost all of them are younger than me, and I feel like I’m missing my chance. Not that I want to rush anything and outside of 1 of them none of them were planned or expected. Actually my one friend wanted to end her engagement and then found out she was pregnant now she’s going to “try to make it work” I’m not sure how I feel about that, but it is her life. I know some people can, but I’m worried, and I had shared that worry with her and now it’s my job to be supportive of what she has decided to do. I’ve always wanted children and my life hasn’t included a family yet. I’m dating a wonderful man at this point, but we’re not ready for rings n things. Plus my PCOS may really complicate things too and I’m not getting any younger, so part of me is trying to except that it won’t happen and to be okay with it. We’ve thought about foster children too. I got to meet my nephew this trip and he’s a wonderful little baby, but it made me so sad. Not that I’m not a pretty amazing auntie, but it’s not the same.
This turned into something quite rambling, which I hadn’t intended. Oddly enough last night I got an email from someone I had gone to grade school with and she said some of the most amazing things to me. Ways I’d touched her life that I didn’t even know about. I had asked her if she remembered me, and I got a response I never could have expected. I can’t even think of how to respond to it. It made me cry it was such a shock to hear what I meant to her. She asked me if I was still amazing. Maybe my boyfriend should help me write her back. I feel like I just am me just like I felt then when I did those things. I was sitting there wondering what else we could have done for my other friend and here she says ways I helped her without even being aware of it. I’m not sure how to feel or who to talk to anymore. Maybe that’s why the weight gain doesn’t matter to me as much there are so many other things to sort out. All of sudden I want to sob; too bad I’m in the office. I feel like I’ve done so much right and so many things wrong all at once. I’m going to stop for now because this is not getting me anywhere, but now you know where I’ve been lately.