Confused and Conflicted
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I gained some weight back; oddly enough Iím okay with it. No Iím not happy about it, but Iím not beating myself up either. Itís a strange sort of personal growth. Between house hunting, being in a class for work, and going back to Wisconsin for a week, the weight gain was partly expected and partly nowhere near as bad as it could have been if I had just returned 100% to old habits.
Hereís the low down. Iíve been house hunting, so some of my meal planning time has been spent looking on websites for houses for sale. Not making balanced meals and planning them out. I was in this training program for work, which was in a facility that had no refrigeration or microwave access. It did however have a subway. So I tried a few different sandwiches, always got the whole wheat had a salad a time or two and usually ended up with a muffin and fruit instead of my typical oatmeal and fruit with almonds. Going back to Wisconsin was hard. There are a lot of restaurants I have missed and when I go home I try to hit a few. I over indulged, but again nowhere near like it could have been and I enjoyed it and I have been doing better since Iíve been home.
What I really want to talk about it is this huge conflicted feeling Iíve been having. I had a childhood acquaintance commit suicide or accidentally overdose while I was home. I hadnít talked to her in years, but we had much fun in our elementary school days. She had lived two houses down until her parents split up. She was a few years older than me and I hadnít talked to her in years. She had a difficult childhood and her adult path had been just as bumpy. Iím sad, but I canít seem to get too upset about it. A part of me already feels I had grieved for her many years ago when she started falling apart and separated herself from everyone. It saddens me when I think of her troubled life and how sheíd come and go out of mine. Iím not sure how I am supposed to feel right now. Some of my friends are taking it hard, but I canít seem to get too upset. Maybe cause part of me expected it to end like this. The drugs, the getting clean, the rehab, the coming out of rehab only to start the cycle again. The losing touch then her showing up strung out and needing help. I grieved then I think. I rejoiced many times when sheíd make progress, because she truly was a sweet person who had a very troubled road to travel, but then my heart would break when sheíd disappear again because I always knew what it meant. I think part of me is relieved for her. Sheíd been so tormented for so long, I hope wherever she is, it eases her pain. She had her share. I remember when her parents divorced they were fighting over who had to take her and who got to keep her sister. Sheíd never been wanted. I know everyone has their opinions and beliefs, but please donít judge her. It isnít our place. I just donít know what to feel.
So that is one area of the conflict within me. I also have 4 friends that are pregnant and almost all of them are younger than me, and I feel like Iím missing my chance. Not that I want to rush anything and outside of 1 of them none of them were planned or expected. Actually my one friend wanted to end her engagement and then found out she was pregnant now sheís going to ďtry to make it workĒ Iím not sure how I feel about that, but it is her life. I know some people can, but Iím worried, and I had shared that worry with her and now itís my job to be supportive of what she has decided to do. Iíve always wanted children and my life hasnít included a family yet. Iím dating a wonderful man at this point, but weíre not ready for rings n things. Plus my PCOS may really complicate things too and Iím not getting any younger, so part of me is trying to except that it wonít happen and to be okay with it. Weíve thought about foster children too. I got to meet my nephew this trip and heís a wonderful little baby, but it made me so sad. Not that Iím not a pretty amazing auntie, but itís not the same.
This turned into something quite rambling, which I hadnít intended. Oddly enough last night I got an email from someone I had gone to grade school with and she said some of the most amazing things to me. Ways Iíd touched her life that I didnít even know about. I had asked her if she remembered me, and I got a response I never could have expected. I canít even think of how to respond to it. It made me cry it was such a shock to hear what I meant to her. She asked me if I was still amazing. Maybe my boyfriend should help me write her back. I feel like I just am me just like I felt then when I did those things. I was sitting there wondering what else we could have done for my other friend and here she says ways I helped her without even being aware of it. Iím not sure how to feel or who to talk to anymore. Maybe thatís why the weight gain doesnít matter to me as much there are so many other things to sort out. All of sudden I want to sob; too bad Iím in the office. I feel like Iíve done so much right and so many things wrong all at once. Iím going to stop for now because this is not getting me anywhere, but now you know where Iíve been lately.