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Late Night

Thursday, July 11, 2013

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. -Johnny Carson

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples. -Johnny Carson

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. -Johnny Carson

Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "storms suck!' -Johnny Carson

The Taliban is now recruiting women to become suicide bombers. And it’s not easy to qualify. The women must be able to push a car loaded with explosives because, as you know, they’re not allowed to drive over there. -Jay Leno

The NSA whistleblower revealed himself – Edward Snowden, a 29-year-old high school dropout computer nerd with a pole-dancing girlfriend, who says he can wiretap anyone in the world, including the president. I find this shocking. A computer nerd with a girlfriend? -Bill Maher

Ever since the government’s spying scandal was exposed, sales of the novel ’1984′ have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon. Yeah, ’1984′ shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do. -Jimmy Fallon

Superman is played by Henry Cavil, who is British. I’m not sure why all our iconic American figures are being played by foreigners. We’ve got a Superman from Britain, a Batman from Britain, a Spider-Man from Britain, and a president from Kenya. -Craig Ferguson

Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits before the game even started. The on-deck circle was a drum circle. -Jimmy Fallon

During the summer all scandals will be reruns. That's a programming reminder from the White House. -David Letterman

Yesterday the FBI admitted they do use drones on U.S. soil for domestic surveillance. The FBI's Robert Mueller told Congress that he does sometimes use drones, but he said the good news is that these drones are made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans. -Jay Leno

Bad day on Wall Street – the stock market dropped over 350 points today. See, I knew Obama shouldn't have come back home. I knew this was going to happen." Jay Leno

This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone. -Jimmy Fallon

The big story continues to be 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the man behind the leaking of the NSA spy scandal. Speculation is that Snowden is hiding in Hong Kong and could be working for China. Hey, let’s get real. Aren’t we all pretty much working for China? -Jay Leno

A recent report finds that by the year 2043 white people will no longer be the majority in America. And by 2050 people will be saying, ‘I’m not racist. One of my best friends is white.’ -Conan O'Brien

It’s not like we’re the Whig party on the verge of extinction. -Republican consultant and pollster Mike McKenna, being unintentionally funny
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