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Things My Mother Taught Me

Thursday, July 11, 2013

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done – if you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

My mother taught me religion – you better pray that will come out of the carpet.

My mother taught me about time travel – if you don’t straighten up, i’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!

My mother taught me logic – because, i said so, that’s why.

My mother taught me more logic – if you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.

My mother taught me foresight – make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.

My mother taught me irony – keep crying and i’ll give you something to cry about.

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis – shut your mouth and eat your supper.

My mother taught me about contortionism – will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck.

My mother taught me about stamina – you’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

My mother taught me about weather – this room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

My mother taught me about hypocrisy – if i told you once, i’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!

My mother taught me the circle of life – i brought you into this world, and i can take you out.

My mother taught me about behavior modification – stop acting like your father!

My mother taught me about envy – there are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.

My mother taught me about anticipation – just wait until we get home.

My mother taught me about receiving – you are going to get it when you get home!

My mother taught me medical science – if you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.

My mother taught me esp – put your sweater on; don’t you think i know when you are cold?

My mother taught me humor – when that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.

My mother taught me how to become an adult – if you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

My mother taught me about my roots – shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?

My mother taught me wisdom – when you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

My mother taught me about justice – one day you’ll have kids, and i hope they turn out just like you!
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