Wednesday, July 10, 2013
So. I'm in training.
(please, make it stop. I dislike training that feels too simple to be spending four full days on...)
I'm convinced that they put me in training to dull my senses, so that they can sneak up on me and jab me in the heart with a giant stick of kielbasa or tie me up with Twizzlers and force feed me fatty disgusting foods.
It's an ambush. I know it.
And this training is about six sigma. and part of that is about quality. So my instructors have been bringing in large trays of cookies and cinnabons (see, what did I tell you about the ninja fatty skills). Theoretically this was "for us to eat to stay nourished" (although the fruit was put on a table in a completely different room). These secret assasins decide we need a little "pick-me-up" at the end of the day to wake us back up.
So we start doing defect tests on bags of M&Ms. Each of us is to open our bag of M&Ms and, prior to eating them all in a fury of sugary goodness, describe three defects and then perform an assessment on said candies.
My team begins immediately suggesting that an "Eaten" M&M is a defect, so they begin popping the chocolate candies by the handful until they've eaten the experiment. This is exactly what those trained evil-doers at the front of the room want from us. I dodge and deflect.
One bag of M&M's is 230 calories. 90 calories plus from fat. The first ingredient on the list is chocolate (whose first ingredient is sugar). The second ingredient on the list is sugar. I get it. I see what's happening here.
I am calm, collected. I dodge left when they expect me to go right. I parry and turn quickly. I effectively pass on my open bag of M&Ms to another in favor of a sealed bag. (Hey, a dad's got to treat his kids if they were good today. They were. They ate the bag between the three of them...)
I was starved when I got home, but luckily, there was a plate of quinoa turkey meatballs with a large and wonderful salad on the table when I arrived home.
I survived the attack, but know they intend to get me in the remaining two days of training. What they don't know is tomorrow, I'm packing my own weapons of choice -- portion controlled snacks to carry me over and a smile.
Because I didn't waste 230 calories on an ambush by ninjas in the bowels of an office building by crazy instructor ninjas trying to teach me six sigma. HA! Success!