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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

emoticon yep that is how I am feeling. Frustrated. For many, many reasons. 1. My job. 2. My Life 3. My kids 4. My health... Lets start with the job. I am a real estate appraiser. I used to LOVE my job. Looked forward to going to work. Loved the girls I worked with. Then about 3 years ago I got a new boss. That is when things started to change. I seemed to get all the responsibility but didn't get a raise to go along with it. I am doing the work of 4 while the others just sit and do nothing. With that being said, one of the girls used to work with me got a new job and moved out of town. Then another got married and decided to stay home with the kids...so I have 2 new ones back here and they are quite content to do nothing. One will play on the computer all day, the other just plays on her phone. Leaving me to do it all. Not to mention the boss sees this but just doesn't seem to care. I have been given oil and gas to handle along with the real estate and personal property and it is a FULL time job. Now my boss is wanting to add GIS to my job duties...I don't have enough time in the day to handle it all. As it is I am coming in early working thru lunch and staying late and it is not unusual to find me up here on weekends. I am burned out. So on to #2 My life... what life?? I go straight home and crawl into bed. Partly because I don't have the energy to do much else and partly because I have been so depressed about #3...My kids...if any of you ever read my blogs, you know my oldest is in jail. My youngest has moved in with his dad. They both hurt me. For one, I can't imagine my oldest doing the things he did, stealing not only from me but others, being addicted to drugs and alcohol, not paying child support for his beautiful daughter, whom I haven't seen since Christmas...and miss her ever so much. (Her mother refuses to let me see her... and I don't have the $$ to sue for grandparents rights) back to Jason...he is still in lockup awaiting to know how long he will go to prison for. It is hard to see your child behind bars or in shackles. It s just not how you ever picture your children. As far as Tyler, when he called me that Sunday afternoon and told me he was moving out to his dads it crushed me. His dad hadn't been real active in his life since the divorce but I always encouraged him to go see his dad. He was the one who didn't want to go because of the new whatever she is...Technically they are not married but say they are. (Long story short, we thought we were divorced in April 07, judge didn't sign and date papers and file them till July, they were married in June on my b-day) I can call out there to talk to Tyler and she will answer...really??? You see it's me hand the phone to my son...then Tyler will have major attitude when I do get to talk to him. He says he is happy out there, so I guess that is all that matters. All you want for them as parents is to be safe and happy. I know Tyler is SAFE, and if he says he is happy..I have to go with it. It hurts to go home to a empty house. It doesn't feel like a home anymore. Just a house with bad memories. I guess I just don't understand why he decided to move, and he won't tell me...but our relationship has changed and not for the better. Part of it is he is 17 going on 30...Friends keep telling me he will be back, just wait it out. But I think the damage is done. I love him but he has made me feel used. Only coming to see me when he wants me to buy him something, or give him money and if I say no he gets mad and leaves. I caught on to that real quick and stopped...I miss him, and his brother, but I realize they are both gone...that just leaves me. Health isn't good. And when you feel bad it is hard to motivate yourself to get up and go work out. When you hurt it is so hard to make yourself go to the track and walk/jog. There isn't a day that goes by when I am not in physical pain. Now that the neuropathy has set in on top of the leukemia, I have to take a pain pill during the day just to survive at work. Waiting is the worst. Waiting to hear if you have cancer or not, waiting to find out if your son will spend the next 50 years in jail is almost unbearable, waiting to find out if your 17 yr old will graduate (yeah there is danger that he won't) waiting to see your granddaughter whom you miss dearly, waiting on someone to come along and just love you for you, waiting on God to answer your prayers to feel better, waiting on being able to start living again....I KNOW God hears my prayers, I KNOW he will answer them, maybe not the way I want but the way HE wants, I am just ready for answers. I just never thought my life would be this way... I never thought I would have been married for 21 years then divorced then have a son in jail or my other one not want to be with me, or to have to fight cancer alone. Its not how I thought it would be. Its certainly not how I want it to be......
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of it all, especially your child and your health. It IS a lot to bare. Here is a cute short poem, hope it helps you feel a pin prick of better.
    "A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."
    Stephan Hoeller
    1716 days ago
    1716 days ago
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