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Day 587- Can't Stand (Pictures of) the Old Me

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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

The proof is in the pictures.

I realized it going through pictures on Facebook.

I find it hard to look at old pictures of myself and that makes me sad. I wish I had a super positive mentality and could view them as who I used to be.

But they make me sick. Like physically nauseous.

I think about the fact that the slideshow at my wedding will have to have all these fat pics in them because I was obese for the majority of my relationship with J.D.

I look at these old pictures and it makes me want to cry that I didn't start caring sooner. That I allowed myself to live for almost 10 years so overweight and unhappy.

This lifestyle change is such a roller coaster. I'm proud to have lost what I had, but so disgusted sometimes with who I was. I posted these pics on Facebook without reservation, which means at some point in my life, I had no problem looking like that.

And I just wonder why.

I'm sorry this is such a downer post. If nothing else, it's made me realize that I need to stick with it so that every photo taken of me in the future is something I want to look at and am happy with.

There are going to be good days and bad days. And there are going to be these days when I wish I'd started dedicating myself to a healthy life years ago.

The point is I'm aware now. I know what I can and can't do. I know what I'm capable of and what I can overcome.

And I know that there will never be a point in my life, where I will let myself become someone I'm ashamed of. Weight-wise, action-wise, character-wise.

I'm promising myself that, from this day forward, I will always be proud of who I am.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    801 days ago
    Well done. emoticon
    1574 days ago
    1592 days ago
    1607 days ago
    I totally agree!
    1608 days ago
    You look amazing! I'm sure the people in your wedding will congratulate you not only for the wedding but for your weight-loss, too! Maybe it will be a chance to inspire even more people emoticon
    1611 days ago
    WHOA!!!! You rock !!! You inspire me to emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1613 days ago
  • _CYNDY55_
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    1614 days ago
    Your an amazing inspiration to those of us still looking at that 'fat person in the mirror" and realize it CAN be done!! Thanks for that confidence!!
    1614 days ago
  • WAGGO102
    You look fantastic! I sometimes hate looking at my old pictures because it reminds me that I was constantly unhappy with my weight for 5 years, but our "fat" pictures can also remind us of how far we've come. emoticon
    1614 days ago
    1614 days ago
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    1615 days ago
    I have found the same thing, looking through facebook pictures... My highest was 245, in HIGH SCHOOL. I'm embarrassed of who I was and why I couldnt realize what an impact it truly had on my life at an earlier point. But now is the time for change, and making more memories and pictures that reflect who I am actively working to become instead of who I was. Thank you for this post.
    1615 days ago
    Congrats on your weight loss. that is for sure.. and I guess what I want to say is don't fault your past.. embrace it.. why? because if it was not for your past you would not be where you are today.. Now I am not saying that it was ok that you where overweight and heavy and all that but.. there was a reason.. now you can focus on the future.. be a roll model for others and your self.. and sometimes we do have to go through some dark rooms before seeing the light..

    Keep up the good work.
    1615 days ago
    Look at the opportunity you have had to look within yourself and find a strength you might never have known you had. Everyone of us has things to overcome and a reason why we're here. Nothing happens by is about choices. When you look at your old pics, look at the strength and the determination to succeed that lies within you. That is what I see when I look at the pic above! You are simply GORGEOUS and a wonderful inspiration for us all! Thank you for inspiring me...Blessed be
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    1616 days ago
  • LKS2GAB2
    Congratulations on all your hard work
    1616 days ago
    Your health and happiness are bound together, so you have a lot to celebrate about your newfound strength. But. . . don't allow yourself to feel shame over your appearance. There are so many negative messages for women about our appearance. You do not have any obligation to look a certain way for others. This is about how you feel on the inside. Please be good to yourself. If you are ready, your slide show can be a wonderful affirmation to everyone in the room (presumably all of whom love you or your fiance) that you are confident and love yourself at any weight. emoticon
    1616 days ago
    Always remember where you came from, who you were and how 'that person' helped you get to the person you are today. Look at your wedding day with your husband and keep in mind that he married 'you' as you were and not you with the expectation that you would lose a few pounds later. Don't belittle yourself because it's what you use to do. Praise yourself for your accomplishments and love yourself because it's what you choose to do today. After all, waking up is a blessing and what you choose to do with the rest of your day is in your hands.
    1617 days ago
    I'm not going to tell you to feel something other than how you're feeling. In fact, I can totally relate...except I never allow photos in the first place. For about 2 years, I've been absent from family photos, and that makes me feel sad for my kids and husband. The photos I do have are hideous and make me sick. So, from someone at the beginning of the journey, I can only say one thing: It may be slightly easier to look at old fat pictures than old thin pictures...but it sucks either way!
    1617 days ago
    Just an idea...

    Don't use any "before" pictures at your wedding. Go out now and take a bunch of pictures in different places with different people and use those.

    You shouldn't do anything that makes you sad.
    1617 days ago
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    1617 days ago
    1618 days ago
    And isn't that the key....becoming AWARE. Once we learn we can never unlearn. This is a very good thing.
    You look fabulous!
    1618 days ago
    As I was reading your blog, I was going to tell you to be proud of who your are and how far you've come,, and then you said it at the end of your blog!! Great minds think alike. Smile!!
    1618 days ago
  • 40_4ME4FAMILY
    You are very pretty now, but you were very pretty then. You are blessed to know your man loves YOU. Celebrate the you that is becoming, but dont ever regret what made you :-)
    1618 days ago
  • TAARON69
    You look absolutely beautiful -- both then and now. With that said, WAY TO GO!!!! You are even more beautiful now as you have become the woman you wanted to become. You are an inspiration and should be proud of who you are. You have the information to stay healthy and obviously the will power. I am proud for you and hope to see those same type of results in my challenge. I agree with the earlier comments. . . YOU are the bride and if you do not want to have the old pictures in the slideshow then don't. Remember is the one day in which YOU are the one who matters. As my mother just said this weekend. . . it is the bride's day, not her mother's, not her future mother-in-law's, not anyone's but the BRIDE'S. Enjoy your success and keep it up!!!
    1618 days ago
    It's wonderful that you can find inspiration in your pics. Whenever you feel like giving up or going back to your old ways remember how you feel about that person. emoticon
    1618 days ago
    I agree with the general consensus! At least you realized before it was too late to still have a healthy, active life, and you've found someone who loves you regardless of your weight - which is priceless. We all have parts of our life journey when we might wish we had done things differently, but I hope you will also think about the present and look to your bright future with what you've learned! It makes you stronger!

    Also, so true that there's no rule saying you need a slideshow! :) Most weddings I've been to didn't have them, and I don't think anyone minded.

    1618 days ago
    1618 days ago
  • RENATA144
    Your old photos are motivation to not go back. Congratulations on your tremendous success !!! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1618 days ago
    Your old pictures show a wonderful person who was capable of laughing, of giving and receiving love, of making decisions, of being happy. That wonderful woman was capable of making choices for a healthier lifestyle. Never, never feel ashamed for that unique and wonderful human being.
    1618 days ago
    It may not be fun having the 'fat' pics on the wedding slide show (although you are the BRIDE and could say no!), but it's also a chance to share experience, strength, and Spark hope with some of the people who will probably come up to you and ask you how you lost weight.
    1618 days ago
    Well done!
    1618 days ago
    Congrats on your weight loss and healthier lifestyle! We all start somewhere on this journey --- usually somewhere where we were totally frustrated, disappointed, sad, disgusted --- but if we never got to that dark place and started loving ourselves, we would have never gotten to where we are. Forgive yourself, and sparkle brightly for those on the path behind you to see!


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    1618 days ago
    Don't spend time regretting the past, it got you to where you are today which is one totally amazing woman! emoticon
    1618 days ago
    I think it's great that you were comfortable with yourself "in the moment" even though now you look back and cringe. That proves a strength of character and that your spirit transcends your physical appearance. The people who loved you then and now, including yourself, loved YOU. The physical packaging is secondary to that core fact. Congratulations on all the success you've had on bringing your outward appearance in line with your inner essence!
    1618 days ago
    first of all let me congratulate you on your progress so far and on your upcoming wedding! you look amazing! i know it is hard to look at old pics but even if it makes you sad it is a part of who you are and where you come from. maybe one day you will be able to look back and appreciate the hard work that it took to get from there to where you are or will be. all i can say is that you are loved and we are here for you and keep it up! you will look great at the wedding, i know!
    1618 days ago
  • AJB121299
    1618 days ago
    I think you need to be kinder to yourself. You gained weight as a ineffective way of taking care of yourself. Now you lost weight as a more effective way of taking care of yourself.
    You are judging yourself and not loving your old self. Actually It is also your old self that allowed you to get to where you are today. I think you are awesome. Older you and newer you.
    1618 days ago
    don't be sad about how you looked, just rejoice in how far you have come and how you look now. Great job and very inspiring. emoticon
    1618 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/12/2013 2:24:06 PM
    Excellent blog. I know exatly how you feel. But you can be proud of all you have accomplished and will continue to accomplish in the future. emoticon
    1618 days ago
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    1618 days ago
    Instead of being sad at what you were, be happy and proud of what you ARE!
    1618 days ago
    wow you look amazing... great job!
    1618 days ago
    Great promise....
    1618 days ago
    I look back at me at my biggest weight (248 pounds) and I want to cry. Then I worked so hard to get down to 159 pounds. I looked so good. I then had to have a hysterectomy and stopped working out, stopped eating right and got all the way up to 219 pounds again. Now, I am working my way back down again. This time to stay. As hard as it might be, keep looking at those "bad" pictures and they will keep you on goal.

    1618 days ago
    I totally understand where you are coming from. I have looked back at the past and could cry that I also took so long to care. I didn't care until I ran into Sparkpeople! I thank God for Chris Downie and all those that created Sparkpeople! I now can look back and see where I was and how far I have come and where I will never ever go back! Be proud when at your wedding reception while your picture collage is being shown! Remember when you hear the ooohs and haaaas they are commenting on how strong a young woman you are! Great blog BTW! You look FABULOUS! Keep up the good work!
    1618 days ago
    You look great now, and the old photos are a reminder of how far youve come
    1618 days ago
  • JILLRY03
    I personally think that you were just as beautiful then as you are now and your soon to be husband obviously thinks the same way, since you two got together when you were the "old" you!! You are now just a healthier person!! I understand how you feel believe me but I do think you are being too hard on yourself!! If you do decide to have a slideshow at your wedding, don't let your "old" you pics discourage you!! You were the same person back then just not as healthy as you are now and will be!! You have came along way!! Embrace who you "used" to be because that's the girl who started you on this journey!! Good Luck!! I'm rooting for you! emoticon
    1618 days ago
    we can't change the past but we can learn from it
    when you look or think about the way things where stop breath and pat yourselve on the back on making the change, say something you are grateful for, "I grateful I was brave enough to change", "I'm grateful I found this web site to help", "i'm grateful for the people who said I could and for the ones that said I couldn't" just stop and be grateful instead of being unhappy in your now.
    1619 days ago
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