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    MARYANNGI   62,787
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I'M SABOTAGING MYSELF!!

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Tonight I came to the realization that for the past couple of days (maybe even longer) I have been sabotaging myself. While talking to a friend (DIANDOESSMILES), I knew the only way I could figure out why was to put it into something I could read when and if this ever happened again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to blame anyone but me. Granted, my weight-loss has made my DH nervous, he bakes to tempt me, he thinks that when I get to my goal I might leave (foolish man). But the ultimate blame is my own!

I believe there are many reasons why I am sabotaging myself, but I think the most important is fear. Sound strange?? Not really. When I posted this question to myself "what next?" another member of the team said she has been on Maintenance for a year and still asked the same question. If she is asking the same questions, what is in store for me? Why am I afraid??

For the past 3 years my focus has been on reaching that magic number and those magic words - GOAL and MAINTENANCE!!! I never really thought that I would reach those things or that it might happen when I least expected it. And now it's a lot closer than I ever thought it would be and I don't know what to think. Long-term goals are suddenly becoming something that will be instead of could be. And I really, really want to get there. I am starting to like the person I see in the mirror, to realize that she has been there all along. I like the person I am becoming. I just don't know where to go after I get there.

This journey has been a part of me for so long and now I have to start a new journey??? A new set of goals??? These are things I hadn't even started to consider until I stepped on the scale the other day and realized that I was within 15 pounds of my goal and had lost over 55 pounds. Goal only 15 pounds away?? And then it was like I started to panic. No, panic isn't the right word, but I'm not sure what is. Then cravings that I haven't had in over 2 1/2 years started to rear their ugly heads, exercise started to slack off.

Well, no more! Tomorrow is a new day. It may be a busy one, but I will also be thinking about what I need to do to get to those magic words, what I need to do to keep me there and what me new goals for me will be.

Wish me luck.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BABIESTEPS 7/17/2013 10:01AM

    MaryAnn, You've come so far and become so much more aware of what you can accomplish. Losing 55lbs is takes strength and determination, which you obviously have! I know you will reach your goal. Once you get there you know that all your friends here will still be here for you. Maybe you can find a maintenance group to help you stay on track and learn to deal with the exciting "new journey" you'll be taking on. Whatever comes remember that you're doing this for YOU and for YOUR health and that you deserve to be happy in life! Good Luck!!
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Milana

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FITTEACH87 7/14/2013 10:25PM

    MaryAnn,

Losing so much weight can be overwhelming and scary. You just have to remember why you started and keep going. Like Dar said, this is a lifetime thing and when you remember that, it help you stay on track. DH will hopefully come around soon. My SO would complain about my workouts and buying healthy food but he got with program. You have everything in you to do this emoticon

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DDESERTDDAWN 7/14/2013 11:11AM

    Good for you! You are taking the steps to keep moving in the right direction. Admission AND reflection on dangerous moves- sabatoge is tempting. i sabatoged myself right out of a 50 pound loss and am right back where i started but more tired. Don't let yourself hurt yourself.

Fear is powerful, so JUMP into the unknown with faith that you are doing the right thing for yourself. Goal then Maintain. THAT is what it takes.

Cheers,
dDawn

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LCDM83 7/12/2013 9:10PM

    Recognizing that you felt overwhelmed and sabotaging is half the battle. It is hard work, and it is really hard to tell family and friends you don't want what they are offering (food wise). Plan for what you can (birthdays, etc) and try to roll with the punches. Tomorrow is another day. You can get those 15 lbs. gone. You can do it!

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DOLLFACEDX 7/12/2013 7:25PM

    My friend said the other day 'Better the devil you know than the devil you don't'. . and she was WRONG. You've been thru a long, hard process of re-envisioning yourself, re-shaping your body and re-igniting your dreams. . .don't run away just cause it's all about to happen.

Right now, before you get there, start envisioning ANOTHER new you. . .so that you won't be quite so lost when the time comes. Change is always difficult but can be as good as you want to make it!

Dolly

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LUCYLU22 7/12/2013 6:39PM

    emoticon Just emoticon because YOU are worth it!!! Be proud of where you are, and ready to tackle whatever lies ahead!!! I will be here to cheer you on!

emoticon Keep on Keepin' on, YOU'VE GOT THIS!!

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JENNIK2 7/10/2013 11:19AM

    Realizing the situation is the first step to changing it! You can do it! emoticon

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RUFFIT 7/10/2013 10:58AM

    WOW!! How exciting!! Good for you. Grab those reins and have fun!! I know you will have new goals and new adventures in your journey. Hugs, Moni emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GRANDMA1951 7/10/2013 10:26AM

    You can do this. Just think how far you've come and how discouraging it would be if you had to loose it again. You can keep the weight off. If you gain a few pounds, go back to tracking and doing more exercise. For whatever reason, we tend to think we're not good enough, or life interferes or our motivation goes away or we just don't want to do this any more. Okay, so we can feel sorry for ourselves for a day or week. But we just need to pick ourselves up and think how far we've come.

And don't let DH sabotage you - he should feel proud that he has such a great looking woman to squire around. Other men will be jealous that you choose to be with him. Good luck and, if you slip for a few days, it's not the end of the world. This is a life-long journey, so a week is only a blip on the radar.

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GRAMMAMARY 7/10/2013 9:44AM

    I have been the same way. Your suggestion for me to go on maintenace was a good one. As much as I would like to lose another 10-15 lbs I was sabbotaging myself from getting there. I think by being on maintenance and being happy where I'm at I may eventually lose that last few pounds. Since starting SP I have gone from a high of 203 down to 140-145. As you had noticed I had been in that range through several 5% challenges. I've gone back to tracking but am so hoping that some day I will not have to do this and be able to stay on track.


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FITAT50 7/10/2013 9:31AM

    I think you need to be blunt with your DH and tell him stop baking the treats cause you're going to do both of you a favor and throw them in the garbage.

Even though you're close to goal it me be the hardest number to attain. Those last pounds are the hardest to lose so you still have your work cut out for you. Nothing much changes when you do reach maintenance, you still have to do the workouts, you still have to watch your calories. This is a life long journey, none of us here have a naturally high metabolism that allows us to eat whatever we want, we will always have to be aware of the food we are putting in our mouths. Add to that the age factor and you understand how hard we will always have to work just to maintain. The only difference I found is I could allow an occasional treat without completely sabotaging myself.

So you needn't worry about what comes next, you just keep going.

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GOULDSGRANITE 7/10/2013 9:00AM

    Best of luck!!! Totally understand the apprehension of the unknown. Don't worry, relax and enjoy all of your hard work. You are worth it!!! emoticon emoticon

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COOKIE_AT_51 7/10/2013 6:25AM

    You aren't giving up ... and I see there are a LOT of Spark teams out there for people who are at goal and probably have the same fears and issues that you do. Maybe look into one of those NOW and the transition to maintenance may not be so scary.

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JERSEYGIRL24 7/10/2013 12:15AM

    Maryann,

You are looking at the queen of self-sabotage. And your comments about DH really hit home with me as well. At the end of last year, I was at an all-time recent low. I had a funny NSV. I had to go to DMV to renew my license. The picture on my old license (issued 6 years earlier) was taken when I was about 50 lbs. heavier. The woman at DMV kept looking at me and the picture. She finally asked if I was the same person. I also looked pretty good at Christmas dinner and received several compliments.

Somehow my DH did not take well to the Christmas compliments. He would never admit it, but he seems to get a little weird when people comment on my weight loss. Ironically he has also lost a lot of weight and is not shy at all about talking about it and how people make comments about it. But as for me... he seems threatened.

Shortly after that, I started packing on the pounds again and now stand about 15 lbs. heavier. I feel like I should not blame DH because at the end of the day, it is my decision to eat poorly. Also, I get annoyed when he tempts me with treats, but I would be lying if I said that I never eat things that I shouldn't when he is not around.

When I joined Spark, I lost 40 lbs. in the first six months. I was so proud and amazed that I wrote a blog about how pleased I was with myself. A few times I have expressed this feeling, and almost immediately thereafter, the weight started coming back on.

I wish I understood why this happens. But you are right. Tomorrow is another day. Good luck with the BLC weigh in!!!

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CHERIRIDDELL 7/10/2013 12:07AM

    Good Luck You can do it and you will !

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