Seeing My Future
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
We had a visitor in the office today. This woman is considered a pain in the ass by pretty much everyone in the office.
Today I got to be the subject of some of her whateverness. She apologized to me for if she ever offended me.
She has, on several occasions, made up lies about me and accused me of purposely trying to exclude her from things. She sometimes must be making up crazy conspiracies in her head. She frustrates me to the point where I don’t want to deal with her. Most days, I think I hate her.
But all I said was that I don’t think she ever offended me, and if she did, I totally forgive her, and then asked her to forgive me if I ever offended her, because I do offend people sometimes.
I could have told her that I can’t forgive her. I could have told her that she did offend me, but I’m over it. But instead, I lied and said what I knew would make her feel better. I can’t hate her. Because when I look at her, I see myself in 40-50 years. And when people apologize for her, and say her behavior is because she’s not all there, I want to just scream YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND HER! Stop apologizing for her, because when you apologize for her, you’re apologizing for me, and I don’t need you to apologize for who I am.
In high school, I swore up and down that I’d be married by my sophomore year in college. Many of my friends thought I would be the first one to get married from our “group.”
I think originally I thought I’d have kids, but of late kids have been more of a question mark, because of my particular combination of issues, some of which have a genetic/hereditary component, that I don’t think it’s fair to pass on to the next generation.
But kids aren’t even an issue for me. To have kids, I’d need to find someone willing to put up with me long enough to settle down and have kids. But so far, not only no takers, but no options.
I never saw myself here. I always saw myself married, probably with kids, having a good job, and happy (or at the very least settled). Unemployed at age 26 (okay, almost 27) with no career options or direction and utterly alone, still living with my parents . . . never in my worst nightmares would I have imagined that.
Now that I’ve seen my future, it’s even harder to cope. I have to find some way to stop myself from turning into what I’ve seen and continuing on this road to becoming that person . . . but I don’t know how. All I know is that I can’t do it alone, and I don’t know how to find the right person to help me.