Tuesday, July 09, 2013
I'm trying to stay on track, but failing rather miserably. I hate making excuses, but my life is truly unmanageable right now. I mean, just...wow...no words can describe all these thoughts flying around inside my head.
OK, so I'll start with my dad. I just had a very nice Father's Day dinner with him, and he looked rather pale and maybe a little jaundiced, but he's in kidney failure, so it's to be expected. However, he was unusually sentimental, and announced repeatedly how lucky he is to be able to celebrate with his loved ones. Last week my stepmother told me that his doctor informed him that he (my dad) might have two weeks, or he might have two months, but he'd better make sure his affairs are in order. My dad is 89, and we've known his kidneys are failing for some time now. We also knew that he had made the decision not to undergo dialysis, but to just allow them to fail - we respected that decision. But now that he has reached end stage renal disease, I'm finding out that I was not as prepared to accept him being gone as I had thought I was. I've been grieving for the past month...before he's even gone.
I am so very thankful that he was able to live such a long, interesting life; and that when the end became near he still has all his faculties, so can decide how he wants things handled. He's got an Advance Directive, recently revised, so no worries there. But...I'm not ready. My niece (another niece, I was just at the wedding of my California niece, but this is the Colorado niece, lol) is getting married on Saturday, and my dad is planning on flying out to CO for the wedding. All six of his children (my siblings and I) are planning on being there for the wedding, just to be sure that my dad gets a chance to be with all his kids at the same time at least once more before...
I had already declined the invitation to go, because that last wedding trip left me so depressed and anxious, but now, with all this, I just have to go. I still don't fit into any of my nice clothes, I feel fatter than ever (even though I know that can't really be possible), ugly, embarrassed, self-conscious, and depressed...and am on my way to Colorado to be with a whole clan of people that I would usually try to avoid; in groups at least. So I'm totally stressed about that.
My mother, who just happens to be the same age as my dad, is legally blind due to macular degeneration, in a wheelchair due to a hip thing, has rheumatoid arthritis that would be crippling if she weren't already in a wheelchair, keeps getting a urinary tract infection. She's been hospitalized several times over the past several months, and her social worker has recommended that she move into a long-term care facility. Likely that care won't be all that long-term, given her recent health issues.
The fact is, my parents are old. They have been divorced for 50 years, but it's amazing that they are both the same age (nearly 90) and both just starting to languish. I'm finding that, no matter how old they get, or how much time you have to accept the fact that they can't go on living forever, it's still hard. All that's left to hope for is that their journeys are peaceful and easy when the time comes.
In the meantime, I just can't get a grip! So, of course, I have been fluctuating between eating healthy, exercising, being on plan...and eating garbage, lying around and feeling sorry for myself, and allowing myself to wallow in the mire of depression...which just makes me hate myself. I thought I was doing so well just a few months ago, too.
This, too, shall pass ;)