Tuesday, July 09, 2013
I just can't do it anymore. I can't continue on the way I am, pretending that nothing's wrong. This is not going to be a happy blog. This is not going to be focused on my weight loss. This is literally the culmination of every horrible thought that I have been fighting with for the last couple months that caused me to break down into tears last night.
I have seen some progress. I have seen some regression. I have gained some clients. I have not gained many others. I'm trying very hard to take the good with the bad, but when the bad seems to so far outweigh the good, it's been a very tough battle.
This is also on top of the fact that my fiance and I split up in May, so I also just moved into a new place with a friend of mine on June 1st. This requires some getting used to, as we're still getting used to each other's "quirks" (in other words, we're irritating the piss out of each other with little things that we don't think about. This is more true of me being irritated because I have OCD and cannot stand when things are not exactly the way I organize them. Not her fault, I'm just nuts).
Some of you may have seen my status update not too long ago that I finally got under 20% body fat. This is an amazing accomplishment for me, one that I would really like to celebrate to its full potential. But I can't. I just can't. In spite of this drop under 20%, I cannot ignore the fact that along with it, I am also back to almost 200lbs. I understand it's muscle. I love having the muscle. But you would think that with a drop of 2% body fat, I'd be able to see something. I'd be able to measure something. ANYTHING. No. My measurements are exactly the same, if not even LARGER, than they were months ago. My weight has gone up. With all of this, I'm trying to decide whether I even want to believe that the measurement of 18.4% was accurate at all.
My eating is out of control. All the work I put in to ween myself away from my sugar addiction, out the window. I've been eating chocolate like the cocoa bean is going extinct, and that's being polite.
I am still doing my workouts, though I don't feel like I'm pushing myself as much as I should because I feel like total crap due to the lack of change. I push, and push, and push, and push.. And eventually, I wonder what for? Yes, I love the muscle gains. Yes, I love the strength increases. I see these things. I love that they're happening. But my main reason for working out was to lose the stupid body fat so I could feel confident and happy, and wear whatever slutty clothing I wanted to if I so chose. Am I vain? Damn right I am. But vanity is my driving force, and I have no problem admitting that. You have to be honest with yourself and those around you. That's my honesty. But even with that, even working out like a beast six days a week, even when I was monitoring my food like you wouldn't believe.. it just wasn't happening. I'm disheartened, disappointed, and so far beyond frustrated I don't even have a word for it. I do not like the way I look. I was getting to a point that I was starting to, but that has long since disappeared. I will even go so far as to say that I am getting to the point where if I don't get a handle on it, I will start hating my appearance again. I do not want to let this happen, I have worked too hard for too long to let myself go back to that mental state. But I feel myself slipping away...
Now, while having my mind in that state, my job comes a-knockin' like "Hey, while you're already in such a horrible place, I'm just going to give you more of a reason to hate yourself. KAYBYE!"
I constantly feel as though I got the short end of the stick when it came to locations to be hired at. The gym that I used to work out at (which I will refer to as YEC), is a tiny little thing. But it's on the subway line in a very populated area of the city where people are willing to listen to trainers because they see the value in them, and have the money to be able to invest in one. My gym, PV, is HUGE. YEC's entire gym could fit in PV's cardio area alone. But PV is in the middle of a business park, hidden in a building with no outside signage except right near the entrance (and on the parking structure, which you only see from the highway and not the residential area behind our building). The member density is quite low because of the location and the fact that it's a little difficult to find. And then the members we do get in here.. The majority come from a cultural background that makes them very closed off to me because I am female. I have been met with cold indifference all the way to outright hostility.
This "welcome" that I receive when I try to talk to members only extenuates the fact that I have a VERY hard time approaching people. I have always had a problem trying to strike up conversations with people. It started because I was a shy child, who turned into a very obese and very self conscious teenager. I always feel as if I am being judged, so I do not like going and talking to people. This is a problem, since it is a very large part of my job. I am ragged on for it constantly by my boss, and I am trying very hard to improve, but... the more I try, the more I fail, and the harder it gets each time. As I sit here writing this, it is because it was another failed attempt at being on the floor, so I holed up in the trainer's room like the coward I am and turned to the internet. But I digress.
As I mentioned, members at my gym are not very open to trainers, particularly female ones. On top of being female, I am also very visibly overweight, and young. Three strikes. There are two other female trainers at my gym. One of them has a very extensive sports background and is an older woman so she has the greying hair which visually represents "experience" to most of the population. She does fine for herself. The other is around my age, but has worked as a trainer before being hired here. I can honestly say, without a doubt in my mind, that when it comes down to actual training, I am the better trainer. But she can get past the defenses of the member population here in a way that I cannot, which leads her to get more business. How is that? She's pretty, and she's visibly fit. Old men and young boys alike.. they're willing to pay money to spend time with the pretty girl and have her put her hands on them. And women.. well, from my experience, women will look for a female trainer who has a body something similar to the one they hope to have. Voila, not me. My roommate works at YEC and had a member pay $1500 extra and not be matched with a trainer who knew how to get him to his goals better than the one he ended up with because he wanted to train with the pretty girl. Facts are facts, and humans are visual creatures.
The caboose to this s**t-train is something that I am constantly aware of, but do my best not to think about. I missed my friend's birthday party on Sunday, because she only sent out invitations on Facebook and I never really go on FB. My ex, however, did go and told me yesterday that she sent her love (apparently not enough to text me herself though). I felt awful when he told me and sent her a message right away. He said, probably intending for it to make me not feel as bad, "I'm sure she'll forgive you. She didn't seem upset."
Where did my mind go? "Of course she didn't seem upset. Because she, just like everyone else, is happy enough if I end up in front of them for some reason, but they couldn't really care less about my presence (or lackthereof)." I have long since accepted the fact that.. well, I don't actually have any friends. Two, possibly. As soon as I decided I wanted more from my life than clubs, drugs and alcohol and focused more on getting into a career, no one had anything to do with me. For a lot of them, it was exactly what I expected. But this was not just my club-acquaintances that fell by the wayside, but people I had known for 5 years or more. I don't go clubbing anymore, so I do not exist. No one calls me, texts me, messages me.. nothing. When I try to reach out, arrange a hangout that is outside of a club, no one gives a crap. The person I used to consider my best friend.. haven't seen her in something like nine months, and we haven't even spoken in at least four. Best friend, eh?
All in all, I have not been doing well. I'm depressed, frustrated, angry, and lonely. I would love to be able to talk to someone about this, I have abused the ears of the two people willing to listen to me more than I really think is fair on them. This is my last resort, knowing full well that it will likely not be read with any great enthusiasm, but hoping that at least getting it out there will help.. somehow.