Can't unring that bell
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
I've always tried to be honest for 3 reasons: firstly I sin enough that I don't want to add to it by lying about nonsense. Yes I do lie and I know I will lie - so I cut back the rest of the time as stupid as that sounds. Secondly I hate lying - the feeling I get when I lie is so bad that many times I have to turn back and admit I lied. That is not fun, especially if its about something stupid and I know the other person thinks I am weird for lying about it and then confessing that I lied. Lastly I try to be honest so that other people know they are ok.
The last reason is what my blog is about today. I had a crap pregnancy and I pretty much hated being pregnant and if someone asked I told them so. I didn't put a sign up, but if I was asked I was honest. Some people gasped like I said I hated my unborn child or didn't want him - which was not the case. Yes, my body reacted (or I felt over-reacted) a certain way because I was pregnant - but that was my body's reaction and not something my baby was doing to me.
Its the same with my depression, post-natal depression and suicidal thought (yes, you read right - I got the expert help I needed the moment I thought it for the first time, so there wasn't a second suicidal thought).
I am a happy, likeable, intelligent person who suffers from depression. I have a happy personality that is separate from my sickness. Depression is not personality. As snobbish as it may sound I kinda look down on people that think depression should be hush hush. In my opinion judging someone for being sick is just stupid.
To my shame I have to admit I used to judge people who committed suicide. I didn't understand that if your brain tells you it is time to die, you pretty much believe it. Its not an easy way out - it goes against every single survival instinct you have. For me, I feel like I looked into the eyes of a monster and I can never erase that image.
So, if you read this and feel ashamed about any mental illness or having been suicidal I am here to tell you - you are ok and you're not alone. The faster those of us struggling with this start speaking out, the faster the last prejudice towards it will disappear. Having to battle against yourself is hard enough if you also feel the need to hide it.
I can't allow my post-pregnancy weight to spiral out of control, so I have to work at it at the same time I have to deal with the remaining PND and that is difficult. I am fighting on 2 fronts and it can feel overwhelming. Therefore I decided that for the next 6 months or so I am not going for gold when it comes to losing weight - I am just striving for a participation medal knowing I am doing my best.