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Can't unring that bell

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

I've always tried to be honest for 3 reasons: firstly I sin enough that I don't want to add to it by lying about nonsense. Yes I do lie and I know I will lie - so I cut back the rest of the time as stupid as that sounds. Secondly I hate lying - the feeling I get when I lie is so bad that many times I have to turn back and admit I lied. That is not fun, especially if its about something stupid and I know the other person thinks I am weird for lying about it and then confessing that I lied. Lastly I try to be honest so that other people know they are ok.

The last reason is what my blog is about today. I had a crap pregnancy and I pretty much hated being pregnant and if someone asked I told them so. I didn't put a sign up, but if I was asked I was honest. Some people gasped like I said I hated my unborn child or didn't want him - which was not the case. Yes, my body reacted (or I felt over-reacted) a certain way because I was pregnant - but that was my body's reaction and not something my baby was doing to me.

Its the same with my depression, post-natal depression and suicidal thought (yes, you read right - I got the expert help I needed the moment I thought it for the first time, so there wasn't a second suicidal thought).

I am a happy, likeable, intelligent person who suffers from depression. I have a happy personality that is separate from my sickness. Depression is not personality. As snobbish as it may sound I kinda look down on people that think depression should be hush hush. In my opinion judging someone for being sick is just stupid.

To my shame I have to admit I used to judge people who committed suicide. I didn't understand that if your brain tells you it is time to die, you pretty much believe it. Its not an easy way out - it goes against every single survival instinct you have. For me, I feel like I looked into the eyes of a monster and I can never erase that image.

So, if you read this and feel ashamed about any mental illness or having been suicidal I am here to tell you - you are ok and you're not alone. The faster those of us struggling with this start speaking out, the faster the last prejudice towards it will disappear. Having to battle against yourself is hard enough if you also feel the need to hide it.

I can't allow my post-pregnancy weight to spiral out of control, so I have to work at it at the same time I have to deal with the remaining PND and that is difficult. I am fighting on 2 fronts and it can feel overwhelming. Therefore I decided that for the next 6 months or so I am not going for gold when it comes to losing weight - I am just striving for a participation medal knowing I am doing my best.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I was one of those who didn't love being bloated, but didn't have a bad pregnancy..very little nausea etc. My poor baby sister on the other hand hated every minute of her pregnancy because she was sick...vomiting sick...from the day she found she was pregnant right up to vomiting on the table giving birth. I hear you and I think people who know they have "problems, illnesses" etc AND get help are wonderful. I battle with people who suffer bipolar and won't get help, wont accept it when its suggested they may have it....they just spend their time making people around them miserable.
    Getting really great.
    Hope your depression alleviates or you find that meds that works wonders for you.
    1653 days ago
    You have a lovely sense of humour!
    I also HATED being pregnant, and wanted to slap everybody going on about how beautiful pregnant women are. They are lying or blind or worse!
    (My opinion SPARKWORLD, don't take me out)
    But I loved having my babies, once they were out.
    PND gets you on a cellular level, hormones are all interdependent, and they get shocked with the big ups and downs during pregnancy. Your body will fix itself. Just be kind and give it time. And enjoy your baby.
    Yes you rang the bell, yes you saw the monster, you got help. You are strong and brave, a hero. Will learn a lot from this, but this monster will not be waiting in the wings to get you. It is PND, it almost never sticks around. You will get through this stronger and wiser and more beautiful.

    1658 days ago
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