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    REYVNCFOX   44,965
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Consumed by or consuming our past

Tuesday, July 09, 2013



There are good days and bad days. Days when we want to shout out to the world, lend a helping hand to everyone, or just hug everyone in sight. There are also days when we want to crawl under the boxes in the hidden back corners of our closets, snapping like chihuahuas on crack at anything - even the friendly hand trying to help us out.

I seem to have been regressing in the last couple weeks - according to my partner at least - and I am unable to see it. I feel some resentment at this - not necessarily at him, but at myself. I know I changed a lot quickly, but what is wrong that I can't keep it up?

I've reached new goals and have to reset them - down below the 180# mark finally. And even have noticed that I am not interested in snacking continuously - which is a good thing overall, but does it mean something else? Am I back to internalizing everything? Does the fact that I just want to crawl into a ditch and cry for an hour indicate something other than I am very upset over a few people's actions over the last few days?

I'd check with my doctor to see if there is an imbalance that needs to be addressed, but that seems quite pointless - it takes 6 months to get an appointment to get in to see him and there is little chance that the way I feel right now will be the same at that time.

I don't know if there is even a word for a need that I feel. The desire to be comforted and cared for, to have a confidant that cares about me and will hold every little secret, to hug and hold, to listen and reflect, but most of all, to always be there. Being an only child, I've always imagined that this is what having a brother or sister would be like (along with the requisite fights and blaming, but always the unconditional love) - maybe that's it. Unconditional love. I know I feel it for others - I keep going back no matter how often they hurt me emotionally - but I am not getting any back. And right now that hurts. A lot. I need to take a walk - crying at my desk isn't helping right now.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BONNIEMARGAY 7/10/2013 4:04PM

    Wishing you relief.

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CATHYGETSFIT 7/10/2013 3:27PM

    I feel that way a lot in the summer. It's good to let out your thoughts and SP is a great place to do it.

It's hard to not let the actions and words of others upset us. People can be cruel even if they don't mean to be. If you feel like crying go ahead and cry. Don't internalize it though and don't crawl into a ditch. Cry, blog, or whatever you need to do to let it out. Your spark friends aren't going to judge you.

You might need to look at your relationship with the people whom have upset you. They might not be true friends and it might be time to find new / better friends.

I hope you are feeling better today. Sorry I'm just now getting around to reading and replying. Sending positive, happy thoughts your way!

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ELVISINTHEHOUSE 7/9/2013 5:26PM

    Always stay true to yourself. I think of that as rule 1. It's taken me years to understand that some people are never going to value me for who I am, even though they should. In some cases that understanding never stops hurting, but I've gotten used to it, and have just learned to accept it for what it is. I also know that those people are the ones missing out, not me. I'm worth caring about, and not having me in their lives means they are losing out. I consider that a good attitude.

Sure, you can hope that others, especially those closest to you, will one day wake up and notice how wonderful and deserving of unconditional love you are.....but beware.....that hope can be based in wishful thinking, which never solves anything. It is very painful and difficult to reassess relationships, but sometimes we owe it to ourselves to do so.

Did you know that crying is a form of detoxing? Go ahead and cry. It can be good for you.

emoticon --Lou

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MARCIAC10 7/9/2013 5:19PM

    About the doctor: call and speak to his nurse. If she/he feels the need, they can get you in sooner. Be nice but pushy. Lesson there from my son, who is the expert at doing that!

It does help having siblings in a way, but then again, family can be difficult! And then you have that guilt hanging over you, for not wanting to be around them! And I've found that often when I'm visiting my siblings, we fall back into our old childish roles, which can be demoralizing. I'm lucky to see mine once a year, and that probably helps us not get on each other's nerves! So maybe you are missing out being an only child...but maybe not!

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ASTRA58 7/9/2013 2:00PM

    Unfortunately, some will never change, simply because they don't see anything wrong with what they are doing in the first place. Some lack the empathy that is needed to put themselves in another person's shoes.

Just because they treat you badly when you are vulnerable does not mean that you need to give up being vulnerable, although maybe not around them. The ability to open oneself up to love is a great gift and should never be bestowed lightly. Think of them as being unworthy of your openness and find people who will respect and celebrate that with you.

You deserve unconditional love and I hope you will find people who are worthy of that from you.

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REYVNCFOX 7/9/2013 1:38PM

    Thank you all for the kind words - letting go of people who take 5 times what they give has always been my downfall - I've allowed myself to be depleted far too many times. But I refuse to change that part of me because i see it as my most valuable piece - the one that allows me to be vulnerable - if I closed that off then I would be no better than the people who use me. Surely at some point someone will notice and change (I can dream can't I?)

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MPLSKEN 7/9/2013 1:20PM

    We all have good and bad days. Heck, I have good and bad hours! Yesterday, I was feeling on top of the world... today, meh. I guess I just try to focus on the good days and take comfort that the bad ones will come and go. Regarding the 6 month doctor wait, I'd suggest making the appointment anyway. Six months down the road, when the appointment is imminent, you can reassess. If you are feeling great, you can always cancel. If you are still having trouble, you don't have to wait another 6 months.
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JAXMOMMY 7/9/2013 1:14PM

    I feel this way alot lately. You are in the right place! I've noticed how Spark Friends don't judge and just love and care for each other! I wouldn't suggest crawling in a ditch, but cry! Let it out! Sometimes a good cry helps so much! Life is tough and people are not always kind, so let your feeling out! Keep blogging about it and get support from us! You are allowed to feel... Whether it is sad, mad, frustrated, happy, scared, whatever! You are allowed to feel!We are all always here for you! Move! Moving will help! I promise! I feel like you do often, so know. Hug yourself from me! ~~Melissa

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TIGER_LILY_613 7/9/2013 12:52PM

    Sorry to hear that you're having a rough time...

Sometimes we snap at friends and family because we know that they are a safe space where we can let our feelings out. Or sometimes because even though it's a friendly hand, it may be the source of our anguish in the first place.

Not wanting to snack doesn't read negatively to me. I could be wrong, but I think it's a positive thing, because it means you're not using food as a crutch to comfort yourself or pass the time.

Booking an appointment with the doctor sounds like a good idea, even if you'll only see him in 6 months. If you still feel the same way then, you'll be happy to have the appointment. That said, perhaps you need a doctor who is more readily available ?

And finally, wanting to be loved unconditionally is what everyone wants. But if you are dealing with people who don't value your person the right way, or give you the love/care/consideration you need or deserve, it might be a good idea to step back and re-evaluate your relationship, or cast a wider net and find people who leave you with a glow, not feeling low.

I hope some of this is helpful .... I don't know what it is these people are doing to upset you, but I do hope you feel better soon.

Chin up, you've got us now, haven't you ? emoticon

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BIGPAWSUP 7/9/2013 10:09AM

    I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Sending you love and light that things get better.

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GUDDIGO 7/9/2013 9:29AM

  Learn to forgive yourself and there is nothing wrong in the way you feel...stop the blaming and start reflecting....

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