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    DEZZIEJAMES   23,338
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Whole30 D37 : Confession

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

So yesterday I wrote a blog admitting I was having trouble with Gluten. This little voice inside my head screamed and yelled and threw a 4 year old temper tantrum. It denied the possibility that I am not able to have pizza, pasta, grilled cheese, crackers, cookies, and all the other gluteny filled goodness. After listening to it scream, yell and rant for a few hours, I tried pulling my spinach and romaine salad out of the fridge. I opened it up, and the wilted leaves that were clearly on the verge of not being eaten looked so disgusting that I gave into the temper tantrum of my inner four year old. But this story has a happy ending.

Back before my eyes were opened during Whole30, I would regularly go to Steak and Shake to get a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. After a time I started adding french fries, and when my lunch was being taken at 2p b/c of my unruly child being in trouble at school, I added a diet coke b/c it was happy hour. Who doesn't take advantage of happy hour!?!?!

It got to the point that the employees at Steak and Shake began to ask me, "Is this all you eat?" I was pretty much a vegetarian. Went 3-4 months w/o touching meat. Do you know how hard it is to find vegetarian comfort food that doesn't involve meat? A grilled cheese sandwich was my only option and Steak and Shake had the best in town. Sonic's grilled cheese tastes like onions.

I went to Steak and Shake yesterday. I sat in the parking lot for a little bit trying to decide if I wanted to go down this rabbit hole. My aunt called me and unloaded some emotions involving something that happened with my nephew and my mom over the weekend. This is the girls older brother, and honestly my mom is turning him into a monster. She coddles him, and never sticks to her guns telling him no. Someone threw a water balloon at him, and he thought it was someone else, and attacked them (a 10 yr old weighing 115 flabby lbs attacked a 15 yr old weighing about 135 who is solid muscle). The 15 yr old just deflected the punches being thrown, and everyone told Zman to chill out because the 15 yr old didn't throw the balloon at him, and the 14 yr old who did apologized to Zman, and Zman promptly punched him in the stomach. He then stalked off to the bathroom to pout. It wasn't pretty. Drama Drama Drama. Everyone was throwing water balloons, and having a good time until this happened.

So anyway my aunt wants me to help her confront my mom about all of this. I'm still afraid of my mom. Even the thought of a confrontation makes me a nervous wreck. (My mom was way different when raising me and my siblings). I love my mom to pieces, but it is very difficult to talk to her about things if she doesn't want to talk about them. I love my mom, and I don't want to upset her. She has so much stress going on with her work, raising my nephew, and the regular stress of life. But I agree with my aunt that something needs to change.

Well I ended up buying that grilled cheese sandwich. I drove back to my work, and broke out my Kindle to read and devour this sandwich in the last 10 minutes I had on my lunch break. I unwrapped it and looked at the glorious golden crust with bright yellow cheese spilling out either side. I took one bite of it.... and it was nowhere near as good as I remembered. I took another bite, thinking it may start tasting better, then another, and another. I ate half the sandwich and it still didn't taste good, so I put what was left in the paper wrapper and wrapped it up, then threw it away on my way into the dealership where I work.

I felt gross afterwards. I just put poison in my body. I'm sure the cheese was processed, chemical laden, junk. The Texas Toast is surely mass produced gluten laden pseudo bread. I went to my sewing for money meeting right after work. I know my friend and I have landed this job sewing for this local Soap Store, we just have to accept. They love us, love our work, and really want us on board.
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We want to make sure we aren't working for peanuts, and want to make a tote that they want for their promo and see if we can get it down to 1/2 hour sewing time (I really think we can as they offered to help us cut everything out to keep the cost down!!!). I am beside myself excited and holding back posting this good news on Facebook until I have a contract signed. I finished six of my tote orders over the weekend. Here are photos:

SOLD

SOLD

SOLD

NOT SOLD YET

NOT SOLD YET

NOT SOLD YET

Anyway I got home from the meeting around 7:30. I ate the grilled cheese at 1:40p. I still wasn't hungry. I stayed up till midnight working on sewing, invoices, hemming another pair of pants for my boss (SCORE), and watching the first episode of UNDER THE DOME with M while doing all of this and still never got hungry.

I'm putting gluten and the temper tantrum 4 year old who wants it away. I felt gross and miserable, and don't need it. I've learned on Whole30 to eat foods that nourish my body and make me feel good - not foods that give me little to no nourishment and make me feel awful. My weight this morning is 184.4. Lower than it has been in a looong time. I know part of it is b/c of my female hormones. I always dip a little lower around this time of the month. I'm not going to go back to the 190's. I REFUSE. I'm going to keep eating good for me foods, and feeling good.

The owner of the company approached me yesterday. He is in his 70's, and he talks to me here and there. He saw me standing in the drive thru of the service dept talking to our courteousy driver (he runs my titles for me). He leaned close to my ear and said, "how are you getting so skinny?" I said, "I changed what I eat up, and I am trying to get skinny." He said, "it's working. Keep up the good work". I smiled and thanked him for noticing. I don't want to go back to the old me EVER again. I'm not doing another Whole30 this close to vacation but I am going to stay away from gluten and all of it's evil friends.

Speaking of one of my good friends told me yesterday that, "Gluten is a dirty whore" and I texted back, "Yes - Gluten is a dirty whore." but my phone has a mind of it's own and changed the recipient to my brother's girlfriend, who texted me back saying, "whaaaaat?!?!"
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My good friend says it's like a public service announcement, and she's going to randomly text people in her phone telling them that Gluten is a dirty whore! Love her.

Have a fantastic day today. I hope you are able to reach all of your goals!!!!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LORI3679 7/10/2013 10:18PM

    lol @ gluten being a dirty whore

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ARRREAGLES 7/10/2013 6:59AM

    A) Excellent work on the totes, ibid.
B) So proud of you for both allowing yourself to be indulgent and also to learn from it-- our bodies change when we get healthy and it's so weird to look back. Case in point -- I have been low-cal for a while now and suddenly am trying to move more to maintenance to put on muscle. When I used to be able to wolf down 3500 calories before my diet, now I'm all a wreck trying to figure out how to get up to 1900 calories from 1600!
C) We all have issues confronting our parents. My cousin gave me some great advice over the 4th of July -- she said "do what you'll be proud of yourself for when you're done" -- that is, don't worry about others, or their own interpretations, worry about your own perspective. If confronting your mom will make you not respect yourself, don't. If not doing so makes you feel like you missed an opportunity to be a better person, you must. This is, afterall, about being the best you in the whole world.
D) Those totes really are pretty awesome.

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DISPATCHER04 7/9/2013 8:24PM

    The totes are so pretty! :)

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JITZUROE 7/9/2013 6:19PM

    This totes are FAB! so pretty!! Wow. You are talented.
Heaven forbid some hoochie mama gluten filled treat interfere with that sewing talent!

Good for you. GOOD FOR YOU!
I'm strangely hoping I have the same epiphany moment when I try gluten again...
Bren

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SACHABEE 7/9/2013 10:23AM

    Great blog, thanks for sharing. In my opinion, the only reason to eat the occasional junk food is if it is gratifying in some way. Occasional Comfort food is ok... But it is not comfortable if it tastes gross and makes you feel awful!!

Totes are so cute!!

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RYDERB 7/9/2013 10:02AM

    Your totes are fabulous! Great job! You're just so talented! emoticon
I'm sorry you felt gross while eating your grilled cheese, but what an amazing turning point for you. emoticon Knowing that you've made a permanent mind/body connection and you're not going to settle for less than your body deserves.
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