I had an epiphany tonight. When I was 22, I was overweight, broke and depressed and basically at my heaviest. Now I am 32 and I am overweight, broke and depressed and at my heaviest. Geez! I thought I was supposed to learn from my mistakes after a decade.
Turns out I'm repeating my mistakes which is very unfortunate. I hope you'll excuse my absence. I've been trolling all your blogs though. I read but don't comment. I'm a lazy troller too.
Life's tough financially but can also be physically demanding too. My son is beautiful but very wound and seems to be having some emotional/behavioral issues. He's very very whiny. Whines about everything. Fusses all day. I'm not sure what to do. He was at his 18 month check up today and it was all I could do to either hold him down or keep him composed. He's also had issues with throwing up. He consistently throws up once a week now. Usually around drinking a lot of liquid but we don't force it down him. Last week his eating wasn't great but that comes and goes. Doc says it could all be normal but to just watch. So I have no idea what's going on other than the fact that I feel like I'm failing him somehow.
I'm ok with saying that I have maintained my weight for a few months now. I'm holding steady at 277. I feel my extra weight some days more than others. But I can really feel labored trying to do some daily tasks such as going to the bathroom or bathing. I can't reach areas to bathe like I used to which sucks. I can't see my toes. All my big clothes are tight and I can't afford to buy new ones. I don't take pics of myself.
I can't seem to accept myself as I am either in an emotional sense. Growing up my mother was highly critical of my weight when I was younger. When I wore small dresses above the knee, she would tell me my thighs were too big looking. The only time that I went out to the beach in a bikini, she said I looked fat. I was in size 12's and 14's at the time. Those were the days. So now I'm just a big fat failure and can't seem to look at myself without feeling disgust.
I've often found that I feel trapped in my past. My memories of childhood and the bullying that I endured because of my weight still haunts me and makes me angry. I grew up basically being taught that because I was fat, that I was socially unacceptable and this is me being PC about the horrible things said about me. Let me tell you, kids can be such
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever reach my goal weight and if I do, will I be happy with myself? To those of you thinking, she needs counseling, I can't afford it. I've had counseling before from non-weight related matters and its never been all that helpful. I always get the weirdest counselors.
I met a woman on Facebook and have managed to been reading up on some people who have been sharing with others about their complaints on the health industry. I've been told that our caloric standards are way too low and we're not eating enough. Our caloric deficits of 500 or 1000 are causing us to starve our bodies. We should be eating more with less deficits. One plan I found on the net, has me eating about 2500 calories for my weight right now.
For someone with my appetite, that's a huge bonus but I'm not so sure on trusting the system but I figure it is worth a shot. I'll give eating more a try and see what happens. Maybe if I don't feel hungry, I'll have less urge to binge on bad stuff.
GA has had the rainiest summer ever! I hate it! We've never broke 100 degrees though which is miraculous but I can't ever get outside to walk because of the rain. I have an upcoming vacation at the end of this month. I'm already seeing back to school commercials which have me depressed. This whole year is flying by and I don't feel like I've really been able to enjoy it.