Tuesday, July 09, 2013
So I started off the morning very excited about my change in diet. I had all kinds of fruits and veggies in the fridge, my meal plan all worked out and was ready to go through the day.
And I did do well. I ate only what I was supposed to, drank all my water and did some walking tonight.
But here I am, at the end of the night, mildly depressed. Let me tell y ou why.
I haven't seen a scale in over a year. I've been terrified of them. I knew that it would give me this huge hateful number and I just couldn't face it. When I decided to do this 90 day challenge, I knew I would have to face the scale again. So I gave myself pep talks. I came up with a number that I thought was a good guess. I picked 285. Thats a big number, but I could handle that. I told myself it was okay and that I'm not any less of a person for being this weight. Because I had done all these pep talks, this challenge didn't seem so scary.
But then I got on the scale (a brand new one that my bf went and bought for me while I was at work). The number wasn't 285. It was 309.
309. I weigh 309 pounds.
I have never weighed this much. Not even come close to it. How could I have let myself get this far away from healthy? The last year has been very hard for me.. but I gained EIGHTY pounds?!? What the hell is wrong with me???
These are the thoughts that I am fighting back. I know that I have to restart my pep talk process. But that's ok. I'm not giving up. I will defeat this number.. and I will never see it again.