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    GINAV2   60,227
60,000-79,999 SparkPoints

Tired of fighting a losing battle

Monday, July 08, 2013

It feels like I am fighting SO HARD to get no where at all these days. Healthwise I'll be really good about eating clean and exercising for a week or two, and then some hormonal thing shifts or I have a crap day and then - BAM! - back to full on bingeing. How am I supposed to fight through a PhD program that I already feel apathetic about when I'm expending so much mental energy trying to stop myself from giving in to disordered eating? I've had a couple of days where I've gotten all worked up and then funneled that energy into a good hard run, but it's impractical to just take off running across campus in the middle of the work day on a regular basis.

Maybe I'm PMSing, or maybe this whole school thing was a horrible mistake. I seem to keep flip-flopping about whether I should keep banging my head against the wall here or embrace my inner quitter for the sake of my sanity. Neither option is great. My lease runs through December and I still need one more medical procedure so I suppose the decision is made for one more semester. But - but but but. If I am still wrangling with the same indecision (and unhealthy waist line) when Thanksgiving rolls around, I hope I have the strength to get the hell out of dodge. I don't like this yo-yo effect that school is having on my psyche, not to mention my blood sugar levels.

As Kenny Rogers said, you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to, well...


One day at a time, one day at a time...

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
GIANTMICROBE 7/9/2013 8:01AM

    Maybe it's just not the right program? Like the first time?

It's hard for me to understand, I guess, because I want to be in grad school so bad (although, admittedly, NOT in a PhD program!). But I do know, you can't be miserable. You have to do what makes you happy. I can see you're not afraid to move (and not tied down anywhere which is nice) so I'm sure you can find a job Doing Science as you say :) without too much trouble, and get back to making money and having Gina time :)

I'll support you no matter what you decide!

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 7/8/2013 11:28PM


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