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Late Night Funnies

Monday, July 08, 2013

The Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act. How about that? We don’t need a Defense of Marriage Act. What we need in this country is a marriage cap. You’re allowed three, and after that, you’re done. -Jay Leno


The Supreme Court has ruled the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Once someone explains this to me I’m sure I’ll be thrilled about it. Listen to what happened. Earlier today, Rush Limbaugh’s head exploded.” -David Letterman


If DOMA is unconstitutional that means the Constitution is gay. Of course, no real shocker. It was written by a bunch of dudes in wigs in the City of Brotherly Love, and it calls for a legislature that’s bicameral. It’s a bit curious. Plus, look at that aged parchment and fancy calligraphy. It looks like a gay wedding invitation. -Stephen Colbert


In New York, the new front-runner in the New York City mayor’s race is Anthony Weiner. Some analysts say it’s due to name recognition. Actually, I think a few people recognize more than just his name. -Conan O'Brien


According to a new survey that just came out, the issue most on the minds of college students is whether they'll be able to find a job when they graduate. Experts say it's silly for college students to worry about whether or not they'll be able to find a job because the answer is no. -Conan O'Brien


A new study says that whether or not you're shy depends on your jeans. I knew that years ago. if you wear jeans that show off your thong, you're not shy. -Craig Ferguson


Researchers at the Center for Tobacco Control at Scotland University are working on an invention: Talking packs of cigarettes that warn smokers about the side effects of tobacco. I don't know; that actually might make me START smoking. -Jimmy Kimmel
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