I have to say it out loud
Monday, July 08, 2013
I suck at relationships. They scare me. I’m sensitive by nature and also a little distrustful. Most women are flattered when men say they’re beautiful; I am suspicious. I’m also not good at opening up and being vulnerable in general. Obviously, the mature thing to do is to avoid such situations and relationships. And that’s what I’ve done (rather successfully, I might add). My weight wasn’t an effort to deter relationships but it have an impact, for sure. I used to be the chubby girl with the pretty face. But now that I’m down to a healthy weight, I attract a different kind of male attention. It’s a change.
I’m still adjusting.
Okay, fine. I’m not dealing with it well.
I purchased and consumed potato chips last Saturday. A whole bag over the course of a few days. Reduced fat ones, but there’s still a whole lot of empty calories in reduced fat potato chips. I drank too much wine the other night with a girlfriend. I pretended that it was okay because she was going through a breakup. But her breakup does not need to end up on my thighs. Then I had dinner with friends last night and ate too much. I don’t know the last time I was that full. I felt awful.
I decided on my way home from dinner that I have to be real about why I am eating/drinking and generally feeling out of control. It’s that I’m a complete scaredy cat. I’m freaking out because there’s a guy who seems to genuinely like me. Who says crazy things like, I think you’re beautiful and I couldn’t stop staring at you when we met. Sweet, right? Pass the potato chips.
I need to work on calming down, for one. And more importantly not allowing my craziness to manifest in eating the wrong things or even too much of the healthy things. Admitting this, and saying it out loud (writing, whatever) is my first baby step.
PS – to all who read & posted on my previous blog