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Just Feel Like Writing/Typing I Guess

Monday, July 08, 2013

Where to start....I'm not really sure. I've been struggling pretty badly both internally and externally over the last few months. I really wanted to be in better shape by the time summer rolled around, but surprise, surprise...I'm not...I'm actually a bit worse off to tell you the truth. I've ballooned back up to 229lbs. I had gotten down to 213lbs in April, and then I'm not all that sure what happened. It's like I panicked, and then did what I do best and sabotage myself. I've lived a good 27, almost 28 years of indulgence, so I think I understand why I do some of the things I do, but it is crazy frustrating to keep playing these games. I'm not sure why I'm having such trouble with control and will power I guess when it comes to food. I'll tell you one thing though, I am definitely done with starting over.

I've made myself this chart to look at with some events that are coming up over the next few months, and what my predicted weight would be if I lost just 1lb a week. That's it! That's all I'm asking of myself - to lose 1lb a week. Now the purpose of this chart is to challenge myself. I am really hoping I'll do better than 1lb a week and get that extra push when I see how much better I'm doing compared to where I predicted my weight would be. I've also included my predicted weight loss percentage, and predicted BMI as added boosters. I've never tried this approach before, so I'm going to see how that goes. I've also purchased a really nice face scrub that I've given to a friend to hold onto. If I want it, I have to earn it. She'll give it back to me once I've lost 10lbs. I've also never tried this approach before.

I know I just have to take things one day at a time, one meal at a time and one victory at a time. My first weigh in since my July Restart is tomorrow, and it's been a bit of a rocky week, so I'm really not sure what the outcome will be.

The thing about me is that I guess I don't look as heavy as I am. Why, just the other day a friend of mine texted me "What size are you now skinny mini?" I replied "Still 16 emoticon", to which she replied "What?! You look smaller than 16." Call it a blessing if you will, but even I look at myself sometimes and wonder where the heck all that weight is hiding. I'm by no means skinny, or slim or toned, but I guess there is more muscle to me than I realize. It still doesn't make me feel any better about myself though.

I feel kind of bad for my boyfriend because I've been having such a low opinion of myself lately. He always tells me how pretty I am and how much he loves me. I'm really lucky to have such a great guy. I'm sure this is just a funk I am caught in, but I sure hope I get out of it soon for both our sakes.

Well I guess that's it for now. Good luck to me!
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