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    SUNFLOWERSAVAGE   21,690
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Trying Again (WARNING: there are no Unicorns, rainbows or kittens here)

Monday, July 08, 2013

It has been just over a year since my last blog post. In that time things have gone seriously downhill for me.

For those that followed my blog posts in the past, I am just going to warn you that the "SparkPeople Motivator" that you nominated in the past is gone. I couldn't motivate a starving mosquito to suck my blood right now.

I have gained back most, if not all, of the weight I lost. I have lost something though, my positive attitude towards changing my life. I no longer see a light at the end of the tunnel and I am only doing this so that I won't become more of a burden on the people who love me.

I HAVE to live even though I don't want to; therefore I am going to try to do this again.

I am so bloody tired of the constant battle I have to fight just to live in this world. Unfortunately, and yes I'm aware that most of you will say that it is FORTUNATE, I have people in my life that love me and need me to stay here for THEM.

So, here I go again for the umpteenth time. I have to do this because there are people who need me.

BTW....I DO know that I am depressed. I have been dealing with my depression since I was a child.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHOCOHOLIC2276 7/24/2013 7:24AM

    I am glad you're still trying. Huge hugs.

I have been where you are and hopefully somewhere along the way you'll get that positivity back in your life. You have people who love you. A lot of support. Focus on each day and do the best you can.

Give yourself a pat on the back- you are here. You are trying.

Rooting for you!! emoticon emoticon

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MAMADWARF 7/9/2013 7:36PM

    Welcome back. I feel that was sometimes too, but you know? I just can't let myself give up.

Find one thing to focus on and be as nice to yourself as you would be to any other person in your shoes...

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JITZUROE 7/9/2013 6:14PM

    Huge hugs to you. I am so sorry that you are in the awful emotional place. I wish I could take it all away from you.

I was so happy to see that you posted, but of course my heart ached for you once I read it.
I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that we will heal all of your troubles for you and make tomorrow an explosion of daisies. But I will tell you that we ALL adore you, and will be here for you, as you give it a go every day. Because that's what you need to try to do right now, just take it day by day.

Bren

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HIPPICHICK1 7/9/2013 3:53PM

    Girl, I have had some wicked spells of depression and it is not like me to just want to up and die which is how I felt in February. Definitely suicudal I was. I started taking a closer look at my issues and luckily I got an ear infection for which I was on antibiotics that made my candida come back and when I knew that my candida was back I decided to deal with it. What is candida? Simply, an over growth of yeast in the body. Candida is a naturally occurring strain of bacteria in the gut but when there is too much candida it can really wreak havoc in your life from mental issues to physical issues and emotional issues. One of the things that went away when I went on a cleanse to get rid of it was my feelings of depression and anxiety. If you have some time to research this issue as you may have it too (I discovered after doing thorough research that most likely I've had an issue with candida since I was a child), look up Candida Albicans and then if you have some questions feel free to drop by my page and ask. You don't have to suffer through life!
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TIME4CARRI 7/9/2013 1:08AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SLIMMERJESSE 7/9/2013 12:45AM

    I understand completely. Glad you are here.

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RYDERB 7/9/2013 12:39AM

    emoticon emoticon
One day at a time.

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MOMMA-MOOSE 7/8/2013 6:40PM

    I know how easy it is to regain weight - it's hard not to sometimes. I quit paying attention and regained 25 lbs - and I was like 12 lbs away from 100 lbs lost. That was months ago, and I'm still trying to lose those same pounds again. I'm not giving up because I have proven to myself I can do it, so I just have to do it again and so can you. I don't really have any experience with feelings of depression, but I've read that physical activity is good for those feelings and I know when I exercise I feel great afterward.
Don't give up on yourself - you know you are worth it!

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CATS_MEOW_0911 7/8/2013 5:21PM

    Oh Deanna, I am just glad to see you here, my friend. emoticon Struggling sucks balls big time, but I would not say that you aren't a "motivator" because you've been having a hard time nor because you've gained weight. Neither of those take away from the real YOU that everyone on here knows and loves.

I wish I could say something that would help you see the light at the end of the tunnel, but we both know that isn't how it works. But I can say that I care about you and want the best for you, so please let me know if there is some way I can be there for you, even if you just need to vent over e-mail.

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VALKYRIA- 7/8/2013 5:19PM

    *hugs* I'm sorry, love. I know nothing I can say will help.. I know this because I have also been dealing with depression since childhood. All I can really say... is that I am here for you. I will always be here for you on spark, and you can text me too, if you ever need to vent/a shoulder to cry on. You are a dear friend, even if we don't talk often, and we've never met..
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