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Post-Holiday: That's Who I Am

Monday, July 08, 2013

Last week, on the 3rd, I posted about a man who had swept me off my feet last year at this time. We reconnected earlier last week, and all of the feelings and dreams came rushing back -- I even thought "Maybe we can fix this."

But with the feelings and dreams came a lot of internal turmoil.

Yesterday, I did something I didn't think I could/would ever do: I asked him to delete me from his contacts, and last evening I did the same.

I just couldn't do it anymore.

I couldn't get past the hurt he had caused (and I accepted) if I stayed in contact with him, even sporadically. The things I needed to hear from him, that he still loved me and wanted me, were never going to be said. I don't know if he no longer loves me and wants me, or is just incapable of saying it, but in the end, neither matters.

What ultimately matters is that I wasn't happy without him in my life, but I wasn't happy with him in it either. Go figure.

I accept my part in this. There's something about self-punishing and feeling like a martyr that is almost as good as self-medicating with food, but I also don't want to be in a food-induced stupor anymore either. And I didn't eat myself into one last week either, by the way.

Last night I was over at Matt's apartment. We watched NCIS and some wacky shows on Animal Planet. We had Fortel's Pizza, water and a snuggle. It was good.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It's hard to make decisions...especially when it comes to emotions. You handled it all very well, it seems to me. Best to you!

    DeAnne, Missourians Team
    1688 days ago
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