Monday, July 08, 2013
Last week, on the 3rd, I posted about a man who had swept me off my feet last year at this time. We reconnected earlier last week, and all of the feelings and dreams came rushing back -- I even thought "Maybe we can fix this."
But with the feelings and dreams came a lot of internal turmoil.
Yesterday, I did something I didn't think I could/would ever do: I asked him to delete me from his contacts, and last evening I did the same.
I just couldn't do it anymore.
I couldn't get past the hurt he had caused (and I accepted) if I stayed in contact with him, even sporadically. The things I needed to hear from him, that he still loved me and wanted me, were never going to be said. I don't know if he no longer loves me and wants me, or is just incapable of saying it, but in the end, neither matters.
What ultimately matters is that I wasn't happy without him in my life, but I wasn't happy with him in it either. Go figure.
I accept my part in this. There's something about self-punishing and feeling like a martyr that is almost as good as self-medicating with food, but I also don't want to be in a food-induced stupor anymore either. And I didn't eat myself into one last week either, by the way.
Last night I was over at Matt's apartment. We watched NCIS and some wacky shows on Animal Planet. We had Fortel's Pizza, water and a snuggle. It was good.