The Woman In the Attic
Monday, July 08, 2013
We've had an influx of fruit flies the last couple of weeks, mainly because I eat so much fruit myself and don't like to keep it in the fridge. Well, I moved the fruit to the fridge somewhat resentfully and hung fly paper in various places around the house. Then, I read that they breed in your pipes and multiply from there, so when a haze of them swarmed me in the bathroom one day, I hung fly paper in there too. Genius.
When my husband came home in the middle of the night from work (It had been up for a day or two so he knew it was there) - I caught him instead... and indirectly ruined his glasses. He needed new glasses anyway but that wasn't the problem... the problem was that these were his safety glasses that are required for him to go to work. He got an eye exam, and we went and ordered him new glasses, but it being the week of the 4th of July, and with a weekend following close behind, even with a rush on it, they could not guarantee them to be there before the weekend. Long story short, we still have no glasses, and my husband may lose his job because of my hair-brained attempt to annihilate all fruit flies.
I have learned many lessons from this fiasco. (1) Don't hang fly tape where it can catch people. (2) Don't try to save money by putting off things like getting new glasses and always have a backup pair. (3) It's time we start putting money back for that emergency fund (unless he loses his job, in which case we won't have any money to put back).
So now with this new Sword of Damocles dangling over our heads, of course my mind goes where it always goes... I wonder if I would be selfish to still try and have babies when my husband and I are under financial stress. But with fears of infertility I still think that I should not miss any chance to conceive. People all over the world deal with these kinds of issues all the time and they survive. Also, I talked to my husband about what we would do if we learn that we can't conceive. He's all for adoption, even though it's supposed to be really expensive.
As you can imagine, we are both under quite a bit of stress right now. Yet, I know that God is going to lead us through it. I don't know exactly what the future holds for us, and while life hasn't turned out exactly the way I planned it, I know that God is in control and He has a better plan for us than the plans we have made. When I put my trust in him, it always turns out for the best, and that's what I need to do. When I needed a job, He provided for me, and blessed me with a job that was better than I could have imagined myself getting.
Here is the cool part about all of this. We went to Young Families this Sunday. We never go to the main church service because my husband and I don't get that much out of them. But in the Young Marrieds group (adult Sunday School) there's always something for us. This group started up a few months ago, and now it's exploded. It's a packed room and the guy who runs it was my youth minister a couple years back... or more, and he happened to start leading this group just as my husband was about to give up on church. Perfect timing. This group has given him the opportunity to start talking and opening up. Most of our friends are in different places in their lives, there aren't a ton of people who understand what we are going through. Plus, we've kept much of it behind closed doors. However, when they asked for prayer requests this weekend, we finally decided to lay it out in group. He asked for prayer about his job situation (he hates his current job, and wants something better) and I asked for that and health and to pray for us because we're having trouble starting our family. I broke down in tears, and as much as I hated saying it out loud in such a public way, it was a relief to share it. And because we shared, for the first time in that group, we made connections with people. Many of the women gave me hugs afterward and agreed to pray for us. And our youth minister introduced us to a couple we'd only seen once or twice who are having similar struggles and are trying to adopt.So, talking about it turned out to be a good thing, although I'm still worried that it will define me in the group.
On another note, I asked my sister (who is pregnant now with her second child) to ask her doctor when I should visit him. When I was pregnant before, he was very strict to timelines, and I don't want to waste a dr. visit if he's only going to make me wait and come back later, but my menstrual cycle keeps getting shorter and shorter. It used to be regular (26-28 days, with a 6 day period), now it has shortened to a 23-24 day cycle with a 3 or 4 day period. I read that a luteal cycle of under 12 days means increased difficulty in getting pregnant. (According to my phone - I've been keeping track of this using an app on my phone and this is the only reason I even know what a luteal cycle is - my luteal cycle is now down to 11 days)... So with this progressive shortening of my monthly cycle, I'm concerned that my chances of conception are dwindling and I'm worried about wasting time. I know we can adopt, and I know that if we did, we would love the child/children as much as any we would have naturally, but I also know instinctually that it is not quite the same as having your own flesh and blood. I worry that if we did adopt, that my family would not be as accepting of our children, and they might be treated or even perceived differently than my nieces and nephews. Also, I worry that adoption may not be an option for us, because I have no idea how expensive it is. I don't want to really look at it until I know where I stand with my own chances of conception.
In an attempt at perseverance, I decided to try again with my diet today. I started my morning off with a breakfast protein smoothie, and that's as far as I've gotten. My doctor said I can start working out again, but I'm afraid to show my face in the gym, since my trainer will want me to work with him again, but I can't afford it right now while still paying a chiropractor every week to fix my back and I haven't been cleared for strenuous exercise. Suggestions on that end?