Sunday, July 07, 2013
I got thinking today about how I started in cooking all those years ago. When I was a kid I always wanted to try new foods and recipes. I remember when I was about nine reading the label on the umpteenth can of Campbell's chicken soup we had. They had a recipe for "Stars and Stripes Soup." All it was involved combining a can of Chicken Stars and Chicken Noodle. I loved it! I made it every Fourth of July for several years. Also, I remember reading a potato soup recipe on the box of instant potatoes we always had in the house. So one day for lunch I made it for my siblings. They HATED all of my experiments. Nowadays I wouldn't use Campbell soup or instant potatoes. But the seed was already there. Unfortunately, I married a man who only wanted hamburgers for dinner, and whose parents hated everything I ever made, so it got buried for a long time. But thanks to the Food Network I'm starting up again. But with better ingredients this time!
You know, watching so much Food Network, and especially Bobby Flay, has given me an important lesson. This is one of America's top-level, multiple award winning chefs. But if you watch his shows, he's totally fearless about appearing imperfect. He has a running battle with plastic wrap, which he practically always loses. And when he uses his mango pitter, nine times out of ten the mango escapes at least once. I've burned so much energy over the years trying to meet my father's impossible standards of perfection that I think Bobby's comfort with imperfection is a role model I can really learn from
Okay, it's guilty confession time. I've fallen back into some bad patterns just trying to kill the nerve endings. I'm eating and drinking way too much, and I'm avoiding my phone and my mailbox again. I think from the decades of abuse, I'm terrified to be contacted or even seen! When I'm not at work, where I only go to survive, I try to disappear so no one can hurt me.
I think I need to make a commitment to picking up my mail at least twice a week. I know how to cut my food back in a healthy way. I'm debating either giving up drinking entirely for the time being, or letting myself have one small liqueur a night, perhaps during my favorite show of the night (this might be a bit problematic during the Tuesday night Chopped marathon!). I need to give it some thought.
I am so tired. I'm planning to take Thursday, Friday and Monday off. I'm hoping to FINALLY get my car tag fixed so I can go out without at least fearing the police. This isn't life. This isn't me. It has me seriously wondering if I'm even alive.