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Frustration and sadness.

Sunday, July 07, 2013

Yesterday, I had a miserable experience at the gym. It may have been all in my head, but it hurt nonetheless.

My husband has been a faithful workout partner, which really helps in keeping me motivated. Recently, at the suggestion of several people, we have added extra strength training to our routine to combat the dreaded plateau phases of weight loss and getting fit.

At the gym last night, while we were testing ourselves on various weight machines to see where we stood (as a basis for our future workouts), I caught an older "bodybuilder" type man staring us down. He had a look of disdain in his eyes as he watched me struggle to pull the weights down on a particular machine, as though to say, "You don't belong here, fat girl." He kept this stare-down going while he pumped his machine very hard, showing off his level of ability as I continued to do poorly on my machine of choice.

Once I noticed he was staring, I stared back for a long while before he finally looked away. The damage was done, however, because his look of disgust tore a hole in me, and I had to get out of there. I needed to be free of those burly health freaks who looked down on me because I was in pitiful shape and didn't fit their mold.

Sadly, my husband and I were unable to finish our workout. I walked what seemed like a 100-mile course out of the gym, tears pouring out of my eyes as I tore through the rows of equipment and people. I just had to leave. I knew I was done. My husband, the most understanding and sympathetic person I know, left with me and spoke tenderly to me in the car as I cried my heart out in the parking lot.

I had already been super frustrated with myself since I couldn't do half of the things I thought I should be able to do. My husband could do much more than I could, and he is larger than I am. I know that doesn't mean anything, but I was beating myself up like crazy. It seems I always am.

I dread going back to that place tomorrow night for our next round of exercise. I wish I wasn't so sensitive. That man in the gym may very well have been looking at me with admiration for not being afraid to tackle my health in so assertive a way, but my heart can't believe that possibility. I am so hurt, so heartbroken. I shouldn't be.

I just can't give myself any credit for trying, and I think everyone must think as poorly of me as I think of myself.


Member Comments About This Blog Post:
BASHELBY56 7/7/2013 11:45PM

    It's ok to be sensitive, and it's ok to be upset about a per devised slight but don't let that derail your efforts. Use it to give you more determination to succeed! You should give yourself credit for your efforts, and start thinking more positively of yourself. It's hard, I know, but when you catch yourself thinking negatively, try to counteract it with a different way of looking at it. Instead of focusing on how much you let yourself go, think of all your doing now to get in shape. In my book, your a hero!

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JO88BAKO 7/7/2013 11:03PM

    That is so sad!! If this was at Planet Fitness I would talk to the staff. I hope you and your DH will go back. Shame on that person, shame, shame shame. I'm so sorry.

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MYKIDSRSWEET 7/7/2013 10:46PM

    Oh...I have been there. I have started running and gotten looks from teenagers especially when I run...very I almost stopped one day. But...I do try and think they are thinking good for me for changing my life. Those teenagers haven't carried three children. Those teenagers don't have PCOs. Those teenagers still have their thyroid. They haven't had the stresses you and I have had. You are on a journey to make yourself better. You are living healthy. Be proud. Each little step you take will make you healthier and just imagine those bodybuilders admiring your tenacity. You never know, they may struggle with something else in their lives. Unfortunately, our struggle is easy for others to see. But I truly believe that everybody has a weakness and somebody sees it. Anyone who judges should not throw stones as they live in glass houses, if I could give you a hug, I would. Keep trying girl, you go get them and six months to a year from now, you will show them what you have got. I have lost 23 pounds. I am still obese. I am still huge compared to the other runners out there. But I am starting to see a waist I forgot I had, some nice curves, and I am proud of them. Yes, I still have a few huge rolls of pudge, but I am trying to focus n the good things right now. Please go back to the gym. Don't let that man get you down, because who knows what his weakness is, but I am sure he has one..atleast one, because if he was thinking what you think he was thinking, then he needs to learn compassion instead of judgement in a really big way. His momma didn't teach him he is not better than anyone else. You have your own gifts to share with the world, maybe his only gift is his looks..celebrate your gifts and ignore his ignorance and lack of humanity.

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