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    ELLAEW   19,910
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Summer 2013

Sunday, July 07, 2013

Well... here it is 7th of July 2013. It seems that energy and attitude is slowing moving back towards a positive energetic form. Not quite there yet. Working hard on finding something I love about my already too heavy body. Guess that positive self-image is important before attempting change. I have things I like about myself, but there are few of the things I like about my physical self to lend good focus. I guess one of them... and that's all I need... is that for someone aged not quite 62, I have very few wrinkles and my pores, while bigger than they used to be, are still not bad. So my facial skin is a good part of who I am regardless of weight.
But it so freakin' cliche' to say... "Well... I have a pretty face..." Right. smh

The physical problems are really overwhelming. Exercise is not something to which I look forward.

In about 2 weeks I've committed myself to taking my young nephew to hunting safety classes. Correct that... I've committed to attend hunting safety classes WITH him. As a vegetarian for much of my life, it will be a study in out-of-comfort-zone learning. I'm no longer afraid of guns for self-defense, but will be biting my lip a LOT when it comes to killing creatures.

Issue is that my sis and her husband have divorced. Her son's Dad is a hunter and wants to take his son along. Sis has prevented it on the basis of safety, but now the boy is 14 and Dad is getting pretty peeved. Safety classes are the only option in keeping family peace and Dad has already completed the classes. Mom will have nothing to do with it, because she is extended to her maximum already. So... off I go.

I don't like even going out in my present physical condition, but I've gotta put self-conscious pride aside and do this for my little pal.

Man! It's so much clearer to do things out of love for family than it is to do things for love of self! Why is that? Could I still be punishing myself over past failures?

Who knows? Guess the only real option is forward.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKLEMAMMY 7/10/2013 4:18AM

    Hi there ELLAEW yes time to put your self-conscious pride aside for love of others and your self lovely to see you emoticon

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ATRANSFORMATION 7/8/2013 5:49PM

    Ah, yes...the old beat yourself up because you have failed syndrome. Been there. Done that.

EVERY day, in fact every MOMENT, you have the chance to start anew. Take a deep breath. Be thankful you can still do that. And start over. This very moment. Youknow what to do.

Damn yo yo. I thought I'd cut that string a few years back, but there must have been a thread that pulled it back up...at least not all the way. But as we get older. We just don't have that many chances left. You know that. I know that. So grab my hand. I have just recommitted, too. We can, and MUST do this. Whether we like what we are or not.

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ELLEYKAT 7/8/2013 8:44AM

    Hang in there.
"Why is that? Could I still be punishing myself over past failures?"
I know a lot of my struggles come from fear of success. There are so many hopes that when I lose x amount of lbs, I'll be able to this or that. But what if I lost 25 lbs and my PCOS is still with me, and I'm still infertile? At least now I have that HOPE that when I lose this weight, I'll be able to easily get pregnant. Once I lose the weight, I don't have that hope anymore, I just have reality, whatever it is. And the fear that my life won't magically be a wonderland when I get to my goal weight is what holds me back, I think...

Ugh. Brains be weird, yo.

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