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Fat, Anger, Acceptance and Change...Why am I still fat after 26 years?

Sunday, July 07, 2013

I have been thinking a lot lately about what is propelling my weight. Recently, I have gone up and am now 6 pounds away from my highest weight. Needless to say, it is discouraging. But, rather than throw in the towel, I have been thinking about WHY. Why am I heavy? Why am I eating? Why has it been 26 years and I am still struggling? What is actually going on here?

I was thinking about my past. I have said things I didn't mean, have been very defensive and always putting myself down before others had a chance. Why? I have been struggling with my weight since I was 9. At just 9 years old, I was being called fat, elephant, ugly, etc. I learned to be defensive because I was determined not to let anyone hurt me with their words. I think over time, that shield just got bigger and stronger. Soon, I was just snapping at any little comment people would make to me because I "knew' it was meant to hurt me, which was not the truth. And, by doing that, I subsequently shut most people out and at 35 I am having a hard time letting people in.

The answer? I was angry. Angry that I was made fun of. Angry that I was called ugly. Angry that fat is considered ugly. Angry that my dance instructors pointed me out front of the class telling me to eat "lettuce, lettuce, lettuce." Angry that every food rebellion I had showed up on my body for all to see. Angry that my clothes didn't fit. Angry that I have rolls. Angry that I couldn't buy clothes like other girls. Angry that guys just ignore me when we go out , only talking to my thin friends. Angry that I don't like myself because I'm fat, but even more angry because I am agreeing with everyone else I am angry at. Angry that I have spent so much time, money, effort, deprivation, starting over and over...but still haven't lost the weight.

Angry that I never believe any man could want to be with me because I am heavy. Angry that I may never get married, mostly because I don't accept or love myself. Angry that society champions skinny girls and shuns the fat girl. Angry that people don't see me for me, but see only my weight. Angry that I unkind to myself through food. Angry that I have all these negative records playing in my head. Angry that the "desired" body for women in our ads, movies, etc. are women who often are underweight.

I was really happy when Dove came out with their Real Beauty campaign. It gives me hope for the new generation of girls. I wish Dove had more presence in the media. I saw the pic below and it reinforced the WHY I was angry.

How can it be thought that the VS models are THE body type? I really commend Dove.

Now that I know that there is anger behind my weight, what do I do? I know I have abandoned a bit of that anger over the years, but I am still holding on to some of it. I honestly think there really are only a few options. One, I can choose to do nothing and stay where I am at, possibly gaining more weight. Two, I can accept myself and learn to love myself as I am now. Or three, I can change. I think really it is a combination of the latter two things. I need to learn to "accept and honor" myself AND make lifestyle changes that will get me to a healthy weight. I also need to stop blaming/listening to other people/media about what I should look or be like.

I know this post was a little all over the place, but it is because most of what I wrote is emotion and not fact. Blogging is something that helps me work through these types of struggles and your feedback is always welcomed, whether it is in agreeance or not. I learn from all of you! I hope this helps someone else struggling, or at least makes someone feel like they are not alone. Weight loss is a tough journey and we are all different. But, we do share in a lot of the same feeling, emotions and experiences.

I think my new goal for myself is to be able to say, that I accept myself regardless of my weight. I don't want to be angry or obese anymore.

My goal is to become happy and healthy!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Very good...and the Dove women are just so real and healthy and happy looking aren't they? I choose the Dove women for me emoticon
    1692 days ago
  • KELAN5
    Shelle, I know where you're coming from. I am just this time around seeing my lifestyle changes as something permanent, for the rest of my life, rather than a temporary diet. While my resolve has been consistent this time around and I have lost over 80 pounds in the past year, I am beginning to see myself a little like a recovering addict. Social eating isn't the same for me as it is for everyone else, for instance. Last night my husband and I went bar-hopping with some friends. I had looked up the options for the first bar/eatery ahead of time as I always do, but I found myself hungry and suggested to my husband that we get the big nacho platter our friends had ordered earlier. I ended up eating about half of it, feeling out-of-control as I realized that I may never feel full when I'm eating junk food. I, too, have a lot of things to figure out. Our emotions, whatever they are, tend to take over rationality in such moments.

    Shelle, I'm so glad you are not giving up on yourself! One of our fellow Sparkers, Pixie, uses "streaks" to keep herself motivated. Do you do that, too? It seems like a really good idea.

    Hugs, and know your community is here for you. We can do this together!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1692 days ago
  • MSKIZ69
    First off, you are BEAUTIFUL. And secondly the Dove ad is real life and real beauty as well, not airbrushed photoshopped 'art'. You are doing what you need to do to be happier and healthier and that is a wonderful thing indeed!!
    1692 days ago
    First..... emoticon

    I would love to be 35 again, and know all the things I finally know now.
    I wasted too much of my life hating my body and myself too If I could go back in time, i'd tell myself to stop having unrealistic expectations and worrying about numbers. Today should be lived and appreciated to the fullest, because tomorrow, Monday, next week, month, or year may never come. Find fitness activities you enjoy and make time for them, even if it's only 10 minutes a day. Food is neither your enemy or your friend. Eat to nurish your body and improve your health. Find new ways to make yourself proud each and every day. Anyone that doesn't appreciate and love you for the person you are right now is not worth your time.

    You are strong, beautiful, and AMAZING! Your new goal to love yourself is perfect. And an important step to living the life you want and reaching the rest of your goals.
    emoticon emoticon
    1692 days ago
    You know, this may be just me, as I am a contrarian by nature and often swim against the tide of other people's opinions, But .................there is not one body in the lower picture that I like, want or aspire to. Now the top picture ? Well, that is more my thing.

    And lest you think I am lying or trying to make you feel better, if you go to my page you will see that I am intending to remain in the overweight category and just get out of the obese one.

    I was 105-111 pounds in the 70s when I was in high school. I am 52 now, and am not going that far back. Good enough for me is good enough.

    At 150 I will be overweight but not obese, so that is the prize these eyes are focusing on.

    Best wishes to you in your own journey.

    Vickie xxx
    1692 days ago
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