I have been thinking a lot lately about what is propelling my weight. Recently, I have gone up and am now 6 pounds away from my highest weight. Needless to say, it is discouraging. But, rather than throw in the towel, I have been thinking about WHY. Why am I heavy? Why am I eating? Why has it been 26 years and I am still struggling? What is actually going on here?
I was thinking about my past. I have said things I didn't mean, have been very defensive and always putting myself down before others had a chance. Why? I have been struggling with my weight since I was 9. At just 9 years old, I was being called fat, elephant, ugly, etc. I learned to be defensive because I was determined not to let anyone hurt me with their words. I think over time, that shield just got bigger and stronger. Soon, I was just snapping at any little comment people would make to me because I "knew' it was meant to hurt me, which was not the truth. And, by doing that, I subsequently shut most people out and at 35 I am having a hard time letting people in.
The answer? I was angry. Angry that I was made fun of. Angry that I was called ugly. Angry that fat is considered ugly. Angry that my dance instructors pointed me out front of the class telling me to eat "lettuce, lettuce, lettuce." Angry that every food rebellion I had showed up on my body for all to see. Angry that my clothes didn't fit. Angry that I have rolls. Angry that I couldn't buy clothes like other girls. Angry that guys just ignore me when we go out , only talking to my thin friends. Angry that I don't like myself because I'm fat, but even more angry because I am agreeing with everyone else I am angry at. Angry that I have spent so much time, money, effort, deprivation, starting over and over...but still haven't lost the weight.
Angry that I never believe any man could want to be with me because I am heavy. Angry that I may never get married, mostly because I don't accept or love myself. Angry that society champions skinny girls and shuns the fat girl. Angry that people don't see me for me, but see only my weight. Angry that I unkind to myself through food. Angry that I have all these negative records playing in my head. Angry that the "desired" body for women in our ads, movies, etc. are women who often are underweight.
I was really happy when Dove came out with their Real Beauty campaign. It gives me hope for the new generation of girls. I wish Dove had more presence in the media. I saw the pic below and it reinforced the WHY I was angry.
How can it be thought that the VS models are THE body type? I really commend Dove.
Now that I know that there is anger behind my weight, what do I do? I know I have abandoned a bit of that anger over the years, but I am still holding on to some of it. I honestly think there really are only a few options. One, I can choose to do nothing and stay where I am at, possibly gaining more weight. Two, I can accept myself and learn to love myself as I am now. Or three, I can change. I think really it is a combination of the latter two things. I need to learn to "accept and honor" myself AND make lifestyle changes that will get me to a healthy weight. I also need to stop blaming/listening to other people/media about what I should look or be like.
I know this post was a little all over the place, but it is because most of what I wrote is emotion and not fact. Blogging is something that helps me work through these types of struggles and your feedback is always welcomed, whether it is in agreeance or not. I learn from all of you! I hope this helps someone else struggling, or at least makes someone feel like they are not alone. Weight loss is a tough journey and we are all different. But, we do share in a lot of the same feeling, emotions and experiences.
I think my new goal for myself is to be able to say, that I accept myself regardless of my weight. I don't want to be angry or obese anymore.
My goal is to become happy and healthy!