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    RAZRBKMOM   2,157
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hiding...


Sunday, July 07, 2013

I got a call from my doctor himself on Wednesday. Seems that when they were putting me thru all my paces a couple of weeks ago trying to figure out what was going on with me, some things showed up that we were not expecting. At least not what I was expecting. I knew we would have the very hi WBC because of the leukemia, but when he sad your mammogram came back and it showed a lump....I cried. It shook me. I have such a strong family history of breast cancer, so I had been having mammograms since 35 every year....didn't think this was going to be any different. I have to have a stronger different kind of mammogram done on the 18th when a radiologist can be present. Then they are going to do a ultrasound and MRI...Add that to the fact that the leukemia is progressing and I am on a daily dose of chemo, and my oldest goes to court tomorrow maybe to hear his fate, I have just been hiding in my bed curled up with my little teacup chichuchua (sp? never learned how to spell that!!!) and my cat...I don't want to get up, I have lost all of my give a damn, and I just want the world to go away....
Dealing with one cancer is enough, I don't really think I could handle fighting 2 and I don't think God would be cruel enough to place that on my plate when he sees everything else I am struggling with. But if he does I know he did it because he feels like I can handle it. But my self confidence is in the toilet. I haven't had the self confidence to even get out and date anyone in years. Its just easier to come home and hide. I used to have lots of friends, but in the past year, each and every one of them have gotten married....leaving me the odd girl out...I feel out of place. SO again...I stay home and hide!! I had a friend that wanted to set me up with a friend of his, he saw one of my pictures and said sure I'd like to take her out, give me her number, and then the next day my friend says he says he wants a full body shot...dreaded words to me...yes I have lost a lot of weight but my mid section is still not where I want it to be and I am uncomfortable since my spleen sticks out. But...one of the girls at work took some full body shots and we sent them to my friend....waited all weekend, never heard from him...so in my mind...(yes I know...)he saw the full body shot and wasn't interested any longer...more hiding. I learned a lot from my x...what I will and won't tolerate, but I also learned he thinks I am worthless. All the bad things he ever said really stuck. The girls at work try so hard to boost my confidence but it really is in the toilet. They see the hard work I have put in and the weight I have lost, but they also know that when it comes to the other sex I have zero confidence. Not sure if I ever will have any. This one had promise. I had seen his picture and he was someone I could have been interested in...and if the picture of my face was enough for him to say yeah I would take her out then why did the full body shot matter???? I know for guys looks are important. But it just makes me want to go hide....
Tomorrow I will fill like hiding too....Jason has court. They have offered him 10 years with a minimum of 7....that is breaking my heart. I know he made the choices he did but as a mom, it hurts your heart. I can't imagine not seeing my son for at least 7 years and that is even if he makes it out of there. Again, his choices to put the gang signs on him, but it kills my soul. I have prayed, oh how I have prayed for the prosecutors to have a change of heart and let him go into a long term rehab and then revisit the charges. but it doesn't look like it is going to happen. I just know that when I walk out of there (if it isn't just postponed again) I will want to come home and get in my bed and hide...I won't be able to but I will want too.....
I don't know if anyone reads these blogs, for the most part they are a way for me to just get my feelings out, because if I keep them all in I will end up in a hospital somewhere. I feel like I have lost so much, I lost my inlaws 12-04 7-05, my husband 8-06 my family slowly but surely since 06, Jason 11-12 Tyler has chosen to live with his dad 5-13 and the greatest loss of all came 8-07 when I lost my dad. I don't do alone well....I am figuring this out. I have a 2000+ sq ft house and it is too quiet. too big. It is paid for so...I really can't afford to move. Today is just a day where I got up pulled my hair in a pony tail put on a tshirt and shorts and climbed right back into bed to hide.....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
AMANDANCES 7/11/2013 10:43AM

    I am so sorry to read this -- you seem like a beautiful person, and I'm so sorry that this has been happening to you. I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts. I know it's not much, but just know that you ARE NOT alone. Keep your faith and God will see you through this pain. Big hugs to you. I hope you can find some comfort soon! emoticon

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CELEST 7/7/2013 1:17PM

    Shame man, my heart really goes out to you. It IS a lot to deal with, it really is. Since I have not been there, I would feel a fraud to try and give you comforting advice. But I would like you to know that you are in our prayers, in fact I pray nightly for everyone on planet earth because the devil, not God is out to get us
James 1:13 states "Let no one say when he is tempted. 'I am being tempted by God'; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone." And further "Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation, or shifting shadow." (emphasis added) We know that God is not a God of confusion (1 Cor 14:33). Psalm 18:30 tells us "As for God, His way is blameless" and "Thou art not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness; no evil dwells with Thee (Psalm 5:4). Also, "The Lord is righteous in all His ways, and kind in all His deeds." (Psalm 145:17) All of these Scriptures cannot be wrong on the nature of God

Please, keep on praying, God is the hearer of prayer.



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SLEEPERELLA 7/7/2013 1:09PM

    emoticon
First of all, you could be jumping the gun with breast lump thing. You don't know anything for sure with that one yet. Just take it as it comes but don't give up yet.
My thoughts and prayers are with you! emoticon

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