Sunday, July 07, 2013
My body is insane. My body has a mind of its own. My body is unpredictable and crazy and messed up. My body is flawed, and has been through so much, mostly inflicted on me by myself. I am learning to love my body, despite its weaknesses and uglinesses. My body is MINE.
As is made evident by the title of this blog post, I have finally achieved one of my much desired weight loss goals: to finally be able to say that yes, I have lost one hundred pounds. I didn't think it would happen so soon, after all my overeating lately. This past Wednesday I was 133.6 lbs. This morning I had somehow miraculously dropped down to 126.4 lbs, my lowest weight ever, since high school, probably. That's almost seven pounds in four days. It's mind boggling what havoc the menstrual cycle can wreak on my system, since now I'm sure that what I had thought was weight gain from overeating was really only water retention from my period. That's the only reasonable explanation. Either that, or my metabolism really does like the periodic binges I indulge in. Also, I was super active and busy this weekend with household and garden chores, shopping and exercise, but still, seven pounds? Whatever the case may be, I'll take it, with no questions asked.
It's strange, I thought I would feel elated when I finally reached this point. Technically, I'm actually down over 101 pounds now, even. But I'm not elated. After all this hard work, it seems somehow anti-climactic. But that could also be my mood for the past little while, combined with the fact that I'm feeling pretty tired and rundown physically today, and am worried I may be coming down with something. No exercise for me after work today, I'm afraid. I just don't feel up to it.
The highest weight I reached, according to the scale when I weighed myself in February of 2012 at my brother's place (I didn't use my own scale very regularly at the time for the simple fact that I was scared of how much I would weigh) was 127.5. I am sure that at some point around that time, either before or shortly after, I weighed even more, in the early 230s. When I officially started this new path of mine, on June 1, 2012, I weighed in at 220. When I joined SP on June 20, 2012, I weighed 210, so SP tells me that I have lost 83 pounds vs the 101 that my ticker says. Even though I had already lost a bit of weight without trying, and even though I know that I weighed more than 227.5 at some point, I still use that as the number I go by when I talk about my weight loss, because it is the highest number I ever saw on a scale. Anyhow, all this talk of numbers is probably boring to everybody else but me, so I'll stop with the numbers already. I know they're not the most important thing, but they are the most easily measurable.
I've found it fairly easy to control my eating this week. Plus I've gotten a lot of exercise in, including some much neglected strength training. It's so much easier to stay on track when you are motivated by seeing the scale drop a pound a day, or even more. I wish that was the norm, but unfortunately it's not. I've found that I'm actually beginning to really enjoy fruits and vegetables more than I ever did before, and that while I still crave salty and sweet things at times, I am needing less sweetener and salt to flavour my foods. I am becoming much more sensitive to sugar. I know that I will still get uncontrollable cravings for sweets at times, but it's nice that I am finally noticing a difference in being able to wean myself off from that sweet stuff. However, I know that baked goods and I will always continue to have a strange and tortuous relationship.
I was wandering around the SP message boards today, and I encountered a thread about people being annoyed when "thin" people complain about their weight. It's strange, but now, many people would consider me "thin". It's a foreign concept to me. I'm a size 6 now, in most stores anyhow, and have even bought my first pair of size 4 pants recently. But I'm still not used to being a healthy weight, and don't know how long it will take me to get used to it (if I can maintain this, that is). When I look at myself I still see all the fat bits of me. I still see myself as overweight, even though I know I'm not. Forget about the loose skin and stretch marks and all the things that are hard to avoid when you lose a lot of weight; I'm not even talking about that at the moment. I'm talking about still feeling the fat around my thighs and hips and belly and upper arms and still thinking it's too much. And I know that this is unhealthy and that I really need to try and change my body image. I don't want to be one of those annoying people who complains about their weight constantly. I keep most of this inside. But I am beginning to see "thin" people differently. Instead of jealousy, I'm starting to wonder what they have to go through to keep their weight down. Sure, I still get envious when I see a thin girl eating a burger and fries, but how do I really know what she eats the rest of the time? Or if she has an eating disorder? Plus, I'm envious when I see a larger person eating tasty looking fattening foods too, because even after all the changes I've made, I still miss the days when I let myself eat whatever I wanted because food brought me PLEASURE, a pleasure that nothing else has been able to replace as of yet.
So I'm trying not to be irritating to people around me when it comes to body image and weight and food and stuff. I don't like to bring it up unless people specifically ask me about it. I try not to complain about my weight now because I don't want to get any dirty looks or hear dismissive comments from people who say I don't need to lose any more weight. And I'm trying to focus on the good things I see about my body, like the fact that I do fit into smaller clothes, even though I'm not completely firm underneath, and that even though I still have loose skin on my upper arms I can fit into a baby sized t-shirt and have the sleeves be loose (they used to be skin tight and made me oh so self-conscious). Also, I like the fact that when I'm standing normally, my thighs don't touch anymore, not even that stubborn fatty area at the top of my inner thighs. No more chub rub for me! I have a long way to go, but building a healthy self esteem and body image will be a very long process for me. It will take lots of time for me to heal all the damage I have done to myself, both physically and emotionally.