Once you've been a certain way for a long time, change becomes really really scary. I wasn't always 375lbs, but here I am now and being any other way seems foreign. But, let's be real, I could do without having to clean the sebum from the fat rolls in my neck like I'm some type of infant.
I don't want to be a fitness nut though. I don't ever want to be someone who makes other people uncomfortable about how they are. I've dealt with that. I deal all the time with people thinking they have the right to comment on my body. To tell me that I should just be more active, or I would be so beautiful if I lost weight. Those are sh*tty things to tell people. That is a sh*tty way to think. And I just really want to remind myself of that.
I have friends who love love love being fat. They are part of a community of men and women who enjoy eating, and feeding, and being happy hedonists. They are nice, and strong, and socially active. And there are people every day who talk to them like they are subhuman.
I don't want to be grouped with those people.
I don't want to be one of the skinny people, or one of the people that used to think it was okay to be fat but then became ashamed and judgemental. I never want to be one of those stupid people that thinks it is okay for them to comment on someone elses weight or give unwanted health advice because they "used to be fat too".
What I want to do is be able to have a family. To get rid of the PCOS that is causing my infertility. To get rid of the GERD that makes me vomit every other day, and burp constantly. I want to be active- which at this point means walking up a single flight of stairs without feeling like an elephant is sitting on my lungs. Less back pain would be great. I'd love to ride a horse again. To buy a freaking ladder at home depot that can support my weight. To buy a scale that supports my weight. To not exceed to weight limit for carnival rides. I want the seatbelt in my mother-in-law's car to fit around me.
Ugh, just sometimes I look in the mirror, too, and it's like that scene from Hook. I push and pull and stare at my face, and sometimes I can see myself in there. Like, "Oh, there you are Sarah".
It'll be interesting to see how things progress and change as I go through this weird journey. I hope I can stay positive, and nonjudgemental, and true to myself. I hope that I meet people who will hold me accountable for the promises I make to myself and others.
I really don't know how many other people on this site share my mindset, but I am hoping I'm not alone here.