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Not sure how I'm feeling

Saturday, July 06, 2013

I'm feeling all kinds of emotions but one in particular seems to be pushing itself to the front. I'm really happy that my size 10 jeans are feeling loose. They are becoming baggy through the behind and hips. They are also feeling loose through the waist. Yet, I look in the mirror and all I see is this fat person where my slightly chunky body use to be. I am happy that I'm losing weight but I still see this fat body that I dislike so much.

I'm also feeling uncertain because I really, really, really feel like I need to go out to Colorado to see my grandpa. He is 96 years old and while he's doing fairly well overall I'm so afraid he's going to die before I get to see him again. The last time I saw him was 8 years or so ago. I LOVE my grandpa more than most any other grandparent I had. Everyone likes my grandpa and that says a lot about a person, imo. He's very easy going and in general is a great person to be around. Anyway, it would be cheaper if I flew out to Colorado in a couple of months. However, DH wants to go out to Colorado too. He grew up in Colorado as a teenager and we both have lots of friends out there. He also has a brother, SIL, niece and nephew that live not far from my mom. Almost all of my family is in Colorado and I still have lots of friends from grade school and up that live there. So, DH would like to go out too but it would cost us at least double the amount it would cost for me to fly out there myself. We would need to rent a vehicle since I don't trust ours to travel long distances. Plus, it would cost us the gas and food too. He also wants to go visit his aunt this year and other relatives in Illinois. I just don't see that we have the money for all of this. He has already kind of promised his aunt that we'd come see her but he'll have to go back on that if we both go out to Colorado. So, I'm feeling a little like it's not going to happen if we can't afford for both of us to go out there. I'm a little frustrated because of that.

I'm also feeling just kind of out of it. I only did 2 days of formal exercising. I didn't get to exercise yesterday because we had a lot of running around and errands to do. I know I wasn't feeling great a few days ago but sometimes it just feels like the world is working against my efforts to lose weight. Breaking my leg last fall then hurting my other knee this spring and then, even though it was just for a few days, getting sick. I'm just kind of frustrated.

I'm also trying to make a cover for one of my cockatiels' cage. I made one several years ago when we had an older cockatiel and so now that we have two I wanted to make another one for it's cage. The thread from the bobbin keeps binding up on the bottom of the fabric. I've cleaned the sewing machine and oiled it. I've tried adjusting the tension of the bobbin and made sure that it was threaded correctly but it's still not working correctly. So, I'm frustrated because of that too.

I finally got all of my bills paid off from breaking my leg. Now I owe more money to the hospital because of the MRI that I had done a couple of months ago to make sure that the brain tumor I had almost 30 years ago hasn't started growing back again after all of these years. I'm left feeling frustrated that I owe the hospital money again just as I got my other bills paid off!

So, I guess you could say that frustration is the emotion that seems to be taking center stage right now and then a little bit of depression because I'm feeling so frustrated. I'm normally a pretty happy person but there's just so many things going on right now that are making me feel frustrated and is making me feel a bit depressed because of these frustrations. emoticon emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sorry life is so frustrating at the moment - a couple of thoughts:

    If you have a pair of your oldest, biggest pants, take them out and try them on to see how much smaller you are now.

    Any chance you and DH could take a train to Colorado? Usually less expensive. Or, shop around for cheap flights - some airlines like Jet Blue have really cheap flights that leave at 1 AM or something.

    I hope something works out for you!
    1595 days ago
    I can so sympathize and understand where you are coming from. Talk to your grandpa on the phone as much as you can. I hope you can make your trip work out.

    Do what you can, and try to reduce any stress you can.
    1595 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    Money is tight all over the place - you guys will just have to work out what you can. If you can only swing one trip this year, then that's all you can do. If you really are feeling like you need to see your grandpa, then give that priority. Of course hubby would like to travel with you to Colorado, and you'd like to travel with him to Illinois, but maybe you'll have to choose to do separate trips or both of you only go to one place. Would a bus/train be an option over renting a car for the whole trip? It might be cheaper than flying and you could still rent a car in Colorado if you need to, but just for short distances rather than cross country. Or maybe you could swing one giant loop and see everyone in one trip rather than making two separate ones.
    1595 days ago
    Gosh...if you are getting this yearning to see your grandpa I'd take it very seriously. Usually your intuition tells you when something is up and is encouraging you to pay attention. Would DH understand if you explained it to him that way?

    I'd think he'd understand you going on your own if the money doesn't sustain both of you traveling together. Or maybe he will have to go and see his Aunt and his relatives on his own and you see your relatives on your own. Sometimes things happen that way when you can't substantiate the cost of double travel.

    You have made AMAZING strides in your weight loss and your health goals...try really hard to focus on your success rather than your short falls. We always beat ourselves up over things but very rarely CONGRATULATE ourselves on our gains.

    You've made amazing gains with all the set backs you've endured this year.

    I imagine a lot of your sadness is still sub consciously stemmed around losing neighbors that you really liked and now have neighbors that you don't care for or can't identify with at all.

    I wish you weren't so isolated...this is the time you need a really good friend to just unwind to. But you do have US...and that's a good thing! emoticon

    As for the sewing the fabric coated with some type of resist that might be gumming up the needle...or is the needle dull and needs changing?

    Just a few suggestions...maybe the fabric is too thick for the pressure foot...just some off the top of my head suggestions.

    It's SO great that you have your little projects to keep you busy and challenged.

    The bills...YUCK...they totally SUCK. Knowing hospitals up close and personal from all the times Josh was in them I'd say work out a very small payment long as you are paying something they should be okay. You do need to live your life NOW...not be a slave to over inflated, over stated, over padded medical bills.

    I hate that you are seems to be the way of the world right now for so many of my sparky friends....just focus on what you want your life to look like...the universe will serve up what you put your focus on...good or bad. emoticon emoticon

    Big big hugs from your virtual momma bear!
    1595 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/7/2013 1:23:32 PM
    Perhaps you could connect with some of the family members in a less expensive manner for the time being. Can some of them come to you?

    Bills...they are never ending, aren't they?
    1595 days ago
    Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Just keep looking forward, not back, and you can't go wrong!
    1595 days ago
  • BEFIT017
    Isn't that always the way?! Glen began working overseas becuz we were SO far in debt we couldn't see daylight. Two yrs later we're thinking the bills are all paid up, debt collectors haven't called in a few months, I could actually answer the phone without having to check caller id first and boom! He got laid off 3 yrs ago, came home, and had a heart attack 2 months later. No insurance & Hundreds--with a CAPITAL H-- of thousands of dollars in debt(the cost of LifeFlite is UNBELIEVABLE). But I've come to the conclusion that Amber will be finishing the pay off of that bill emoticon !

    I don't stress over the bills--there's nothing I can do about it except keep making those monthly payments.

    Hang in there! It'll all work out-one way or another!
    1595 days ago
    Wishing you relief.
    1595 days ago
  • TIGER_LILY_613
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1595 days ago
    I hate it when problems seem to be running me in circles....I can't find a solution yet I can't stop thinking about them. The only thing that works for me is setting them aside and doing something else with my brain for awhile. Sometimes they actually solve themselves, although not all that often.

    Isn't it ridiculous what an MRI costs??? I have to have a brain scan every year to keep an eye on my 2 slow growing tumors (my tumors from 1991did grow back). Mine are meningiomas and for some reason always come in two's. Keep your chin up and keep breathing deeply. Somehow it will all work out.
    1596 days ago
  • TONYAB2000
    emoticon I'm so sorry everything seems to be hitting you all at once. I will pray that everything falls into place for you to visit your grandfather. I feel the same way about my grandmother who lives in Georgia (I live in Tx) and although it hasn't been that long since I've seen her, i worry that I won't get a next time. Our current plans include a trip for Thanksgiving but that will actually depend on our money situation at the time. As far as the exercise and weight loss, I know it sounds cliche but you just have to hang in there and keep going. Everyone has their setbacks and disappointments but don't let that stop you.
    1596 days ago
    hang in there
    1596 days ago
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