Not sure how I'm feeling
Saturday, July 06, 2013
I'm feeling all kinds of emotions but one in particular seems to be pushing itself to the front. I'm really happy that my size 10 jeans are feeling loose. They are becoming baggy through the behind and hips. They are also feeling loose through the waist. Yet, I look in the mirror and all I see is this fat person where my slightly chunky body use to be. I am happy that I'm losing weight but I still see this fat body that I dislike so much.
I'm also feeling uncertain because I really, really, really feel like I need to go out to Colorado to see my grandpa. He is 96 years old and while he's doing fairly well overall I'm so afraid he's going to die before I get to see him again. The last time I saw him was 8 years or so ago. I LOVE my grandpa more than most any other grandparent I had. Everyone likes my grandpa and that says a lot about a person, imo. He's very easy going and in general is a great person to be around. Anyway, it would be cheaper if I flew out to Colorado in a couple of months. However, DH wants to go out to Colorado too. He grew up in Colorado as a teenager and we both have lots of friends out there. He also has a brother, SIL, niece and nephew that live not far from my mom. Almost all of my family is in Colorado and I still have lots of friends from grade school and up that live there. So, DH would like to go out too but it would cost us at least double the amount it would cost for me to fly out there myself. We would need to rent a vehicle since I don't trust ours to travel long distances. Plus, it would cost us the gas and food too. He also wants to go visit his aunt this year and other relatives in Illinois. I just don't see that we have the money for all of this. He has already kind of promised his aunt that we'd come see her but he'll have to go back on that if we both go out to Colorado. So, I'm feeling a little like it's not going to happen if we can't afford for both of us to go out there. I'm a little frustrated because of that.
I'm also feeling just kind of out of it. I only did 2 days of formal exercising. I didn't get to exercise yesterday because we had a lot of running around and errands to do. I know I wasn't feeling great a few days ago but sometimes it just feels like the world is working against my efforts to lose weight. Breaking my leg last fall then hurting my other knee this spring and then, even though it was just for a few days, getting sick. I'm just kind of frustrated.
I'm also trying to make a cover for one of my cockatiels' cage. I made one several years ago when we had an older cockatiel and so now that we have two I wanted to make another one for it's cage. The thread from the bobbin keeps binding up on the bottom of the fabric. I've cleaned the sewing machine and oiled it. I've tried adjusting the tension of the bobbin and made sure that it was threaded correctly but it's still not working correctly. So, I'm frustrated because of that too.
I finally got all of my bills paid off from breaking my leg. Now I owe more money to the hospital because of the MRI that I had done a couple of months ago to make sure that the brain tumor I had almost 30 years ago hasn't started growing back again after all of these years. I'm left feeling frustrated that I owe the hospital money again just as I got my other bills paid off!
So, I guess you could say that frustration is the emotion that seems to be taking center stage right now and then a little bit of depression because I'm feeling so frustrated. I'm normally a pretty happy person but there's just so many things going on right now that are making me feel frustrated and is making me feel a bit depressed because of these frustrations.