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Baby Steps

Saturday, July 06, 2013

A part of me is ashamed to say this, but I am having to take the time to reteach myself how to eat... Let that sink in while I explain.

Every morning for the last few months, I have been eating breakfast at my desk in front of my computer while I work, thinking to myself, "Meh, I'm really not that hungry," only to suddenly find myself done and wishing that there was more food because I have a long time to go before my snack. I eventually eat my snack at my desk while I work and follow it up with a speed walking break (1.06 miles). By lunchtime, I am more than ravenous. In an attempt to make sure my lunch half hour coincides with that of my best friend and my husband, I seem to have settled for a late lunch time. I then inhale my lunch and wish that there was more food. I go back to my desk and go for another speed walking break.

By the time that I pick up my son and get us back home, I feel like I'm starving, so I "snack". I use the term loosely because this is really just a binge. I "snack" for a little while as I make a real snack for Ash. The exception to that rule is if I immediately exercise after work. For some reason, that kills my appetite and keeps me to just eating a real dinner. Without fail, I eat a dinner, starting in before it ever reaches the table, where I immediately get on the computer. When my food is mysteriously gone, I sit and think, "Man, what else sounds good?" I might eat a little something extra before the real excitement starts: baking.

I have been baking at least one thing every night, usually a dessert. There is something incredibly exciting for me to experiment with making things that are gluten free and vegan. I love the recipes that I have created or adapted. It has become a real passion for me! Unfortunately, I also love eating the dough for these treats or snacks. So I "snack" (unless I have gum in my mouth). I feel full by the time it is done baking, but that does not stop me from eating 2, 3, heck, even 4 of whatever I have made. Then I glance at the clock, my food baby about 7 months along, and realize that I have to get to bed in about 30 minutes, or that I should have been in bed an HOUR ago. I toss and turn, struggling to fall asleep and deal with my food guilt. In the morning, I feel gross and full still. I get to work and eat breakfast at my desk. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Today, I woke up and drank two large glasses of ice cold lemon water and waited for my son to wake up and the hunger to set in. Once these two events finally occurred, I made us both breakfast and we sat down at the table, not the tv. I have realized that I have been teaching him to eat plugged in as well with the occasional lunch and tv entertainment. I sat across from him and we talked up a storm as we ate. It took us a long time and strawberries and homemade oatmeal bar were cold, but we did it!

I sent Ash to play outside with one of our dogs while I did some housework. I gave myself a deadline of finishing up in one hour before I called my son in and suited up to work out. After an hour of a dvd that has not been in my rotation in awhile, I showered and fixed us both the same lunch: half a sandwich with one chopped carrot and half of an apple sliced up. His sandwich just had turkey, but I branched out and threw some homemade spicy hummus, red leaf lettuce, diced onion and sliced cucumber into mine.

For some reason, this was the tastiest lunch that I had had in a long time! Ash and I sat in his room playing LEGOs while we ate. It took us a long time, again, which was kind of nice. He took way too long eating his (I had just worked out and he's a 5 year old with LEGOs), so we took the last of his carrots into the living room where he got to watch two episodes of something. Once he was done, he had some almond milk ice cream and then it was nap time.

I am about to mindfully eat a homemade pop-tart that I baked up last night (sweetened with applesauce, not sugar) before jumping into doing the dishes. The day is not over, so we will see how my staying unplugged and eating mindfully works, but doing this makes me feel so much better. Tomorrow, I will work hard to do the same, especially reinforcing better habits for Ash. When it comes to work, I am going to take the time to eat breakfast at home and readjust my lunch hour, as well putting my foot down about stopping eating at least two hours before my bedtime. I also need to stick to baking only on my batch cooking days. These are the baby steps that I took once before, but I am having to retake again. They really are important.

Thank you, God, for helping me overcome the "I feel like a gross failure, so why bother" cycle. If I put forth the effort and keep my mind in the game, then I know that I can do this. i hope that everyone has an awesome weekend!
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