As you all know, I am currently working on building my self esteem and confidence. I have always struggled with this in my life. I always feel like I'm not pretty or good enough. It drives my husband nuts that I think so negatively about myself. I wish there was a switch that I could just turn on to wipe away all of my negative thinking and replace it with positive thinking.
I am working really hard on this and it is TOUGH! My brain is used to thinking so negative that it's really hard to challenge that. I am currently working with my counselor on this issue.
Growing up, I felt like I was always the ugly girl in school....other girls would even tease me about it. But as a child, I was confident and I didn't care what they thought. I was the life of the party cracking jokes and living it up with my group of friends. Now as an adult, after 2 serious break ups with men(dumping me) (one who I lost my virginity to), my self esteem took a huge hit. I stopped eating because I was so depressed and I had lost weight the wrong way and I looked like stick and bone. Then, I met a beautiful handsome man who became my husband. Things were looking up but deep down my self esteem was still hurting. I was constantly putting myself down, thinking irrational thoughts, and thinking that everyone was judging me by how I looked. After my hubby and I got married, I was so happy that I started eating again because we were loving life. Well, I had gained over 50 pounds in the last 4 years since getting married and now my self esteem is hurting now more than ever and it's funny because now I am looking back at that skinny girl who always thought she was fat aka me in the past, and I say oh man, i wish i looked like that again.
I have learned that my focus in the wrong place. I focus on what I look like and I have never gotten to the point of truly loving myself inside and out no matter what. So that is what I am working on. I have depended on other people's comments and such to determine my self worth and I realize that is not the way to do it.
Things are so wonderful in my life. I have a great husband, beautiful puppies, a roof over our head, and Jesus Christ in my life. Yet, I am so very stuck. The one thing that is holding me back from true happiness is not having a healthy self esteem.
In 2011, things got so bad that I was thinking irrationally and was around very toxic women at work who would gossip alot. I felt so unworthy, unloved, and ugly......The constant negative thoughts in my head came to a breaking point when I first had my first suicidal thought. I was immediately hospitalized at a wonderful behavioral health facility for about two weeks. I was diagnosed with Major depression, OCD, Body Image Disorder, and Emotional Intensity Disorder when means that I experience very intense emotions during "storms" aka negative events/thinking. I had learned a lot from that hospital experience. I came out a new woman.
I came out with new coping skills and a new outlook on life. I decided at the end of 2011 to leave my toxic work environment of 5 years and got a new job which I love now. I realized that took courage to take that leap. I am glad I did it because now I have a wonderful job and people accept me. When I got this new positive job, my life started changing. That's when I decided to take action and join sparkpeople.
In August of 2012, when I first started sparkpeople and exercising, I felt so happy and was doing so well that my doctor said that my depression was in remission. Yay. This was a good thing. Now I understood that this did not mean that my depression was gone, it was just in remission.
Now in 2013, I am still working on staying on top of my depresion but my negative thoughts are creeping back up on me. That's why in my previous blog post last month, Self Acceptance Journey, I decided I needed to cut the crap and get a hold of myself. So for about a month now, I have been working on improving my self esteem and confidence. I feel like this is the ONLY thing that is holding me back from happiness. I feel so guilty because I have such a wonderful husband and great life, but my self esteem wreaks havoc. I just ask for you all to pray for me as I go on this journey to self discovery and self love. Like I said, I wish my self esteem improved overnight, like turning on a switch but it's not that easy.
My husband has been soooooo supportive during the 4 years we have been married. He even started running with me at the beginning of 2013 because he had seen how exercise improved my moods. He wants me to love myself. It really hurts him to see me be so negative sometimes about myself. He loves me. I need to love me. I am so very lucky to have him. He said that I need to focus on me as a whole, not just superficial things like what I look like. He said, your weight does NOT matter....he said that if I were 400 pounds, he would still love me. Weight does not matter. So instead of focusing on my weight each week, I am now just weighing myself once a month....but ultimately, I am focusing on how I feel and getting healthy.
I bought some self esteem relaxation cds in hopes that they will help out and give me a boost with the affirmations. They do seem to be helpful. I just need to combat my negative thinking and just love myself fully. I will get there, I know I will.
I am going to continue my journey of exercising, eating healthy, and doing my relaxation cds and I will NOT GIVE UP! I can do this!
I want the past to stay in the past....those girls teasing me growing up, those 2 men I dated dumping me, and rejections. I am starting new. Those situations did not make me unworthy and ugly like I thought it did back then. Those situations made me stronger and who I am today. God has blessed me very much and with His help I can do this. I am created in His image and I don't want to slap Him in the face each time I say something negative about myself aka His creation.
I know this blog post is loaded. I just had a lot on my mind today.