Saturday, July 06, 2013
Do I Have The Right To Know The Details of My Husbands Affair?
Would you want to know the details of husbands affair: who, what, when, where, how far it went, how many times it happened, when it started and ended, where it occurred, etc.?
Last night I told my husband, “We need to actually deal with the issues. You can’t keep running away from discussing them, and just keep expecting me to *just get over it*. You don’t have a clue about what it did to me; you have shown no empathy or remorse for what you did. Since you always refused to discuss it, I figured I would let you just show a change by *creating new patterns of behavior*, but instead you keep hurting me. And, when I try to discuss the past issues that are dug up from the current issues, you refuse to discuss any of it. These issues - past and present - need dealt with or we can’t go forward.”
Years ago my husband cheated, but he told me, “I groped her top. It didn’t go any further. I don‘t really remember.” I have always suspected more, but at his insistence I went on with our relationship. Now he let slip, “I am never going to tell you what all I did, cause it would be too painful for you.” Then he realized his slip and added, “I don’t really remember everything.” To that I said, “Yeah, bull! Liar!”
Here’s the way I see it:
~ Does he not think it is already painful. Nothing can be worse than the pictures I already have going through my brain? ALL THESE YEARS!
~ I had a right to make choices based on (facts), and that right was taken away from me when I got partial facts: actually lies by omission and twisting of truths. By his not telling the full truth, he effectively made a choice for me. And, I am really mad about that.
~ I know ‘who’ it was. I need to know what, when, and where. Like how far (for real) it went, how many times it happened, when it started, when it ended, and where it occurred.
I was told by someone, “Don’t you think that learning the details will end up being detrimental for you? It will create a mental imagery for you.” --- My answer: “It’s already been really detrimental to me. For years! I have the mental imagery already. Having LIES upon LIES just adds to the damage.
Besides, I truly believe that the (real) reason he won’t tell the truth about it is the same reason he (took away my choice and rights) in the first place. IT’S ALL ABOUT HIM! He wants to choose (for me) whether I will stay or go, and he feels he loses if he tells the truth, and he feels he wins by lying to me. Only it makes me bitter and angry that he violated my right to know and thus my choices. HE doesn’t want to deal with the discomfort it will be to work through any of the issues. Cause sure, it won’t be easy. But he doesn’t seem to comprehend that I have dealt with that discomfort (called PAIN) for years and years, and that it doesn’t ever get any better, because nothing has ever been resolved, and every day I have to deal with him.
Because of (who) it was, we have been living a marriage for many years that is not a marriage. But, I have come to a point where I know beyond a doubt that he is lying, and I want to know the truth. I don’t know how I will stand to be around him when I know the full truth, but I already cannot stand to look at him, cause the mental imagery of his admission/his slip, “I am never going to tell you what all I did, cause it would be too painful for you.” Let the chips fall where they may; I want to know. I have a right to know. All this time I have never gotton over this because I have always been haunted by the (who) and because of the continuing lies and deception over it, and also his lack of remorse over it, and his total incapacity to comprehend or have empathy for how it made me feel and what it did to me.
Let me ask you:
Would you want to know the who, what, when, where, how far (for real) it went, how many times it happened, when it started, and where it occurred etc. Could you continue on knowing they didn’t (have a clue) of what it did to you?