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Do I Have The Right To Know The Details of My Husbands Affair?

Saturday, July 06, 2013

Do I Have The Right To Know The Details of My Husbands Affair?

Would you want to know the details of husbands affair: who, what, when, where, how far it went, how many times it happened, when it started and ended, where it occurred, etc.?

Last night I told my husband, “We need to actually deal with the issues. You can’t keep running away from discussing them, and just keep expecting me to *just get over it*. You don’t have a clue about what it did to me; you have shown no empathy or remorse for what you did. Since you always refused to discuss it, I figured I would let you just show a change by *creating new patterns of behavior*, but instead you keep hurting me. And, when I try to discuss the past issues that are dug up from the current issues, you refuse to discuss any of it. These issues - past and present - need dealt with or we can’t go forward.”

Years ago my husband cheated, but he told me, “I groped her top. It didn’t go any further. I don‘t really remember.” I have always suspected more, but at his insistence I went on with our relationship. Now he let slip, “I am never going to tell you what all I did, cause it would be too painful for you.” Then he realized his slip and added, “I don’t really remember everything.” To that I said, “Yeah, bull! Liar!”

Here’s the way I see it:

~ Does he not think it is already painful. Nothing can be worse than the pictures I already have going through my brain? ALL THESE YEARS!

~ I had a right to make choices based on (facts), and that right was taken away from me when I got partial facts: actually lies by omission and twisting of truths. By his not telling the full truth, he effectively made a choice for me. And, I am really mad about that.

~ I know ‘who’ it was. I need to know what, when, and where. Like how far (for real) it went, how many times it happened, when it started, when it ended, and where it occurred.

I was told by someone, “Don’t you think that learning the details will end up being detrimental for you? It will create a mental imagery for you.” --- My answer: “It’s already been really detrimental to me. For years! I have the mental imagery already. Having LIES upon LIES just adds to the damage.

Besides, I truly believe that the (real) reason he won’t tell the truth about it is the same reason he (took away my choice and rights) in the first place. IT’S ALL ABOUT HIM! He wants to choose (for me) whether I will stay or go, and he feels he loses if he tells the truth, and he feels he wins by lying to me. Only it makes me bitter and angry that he violated my right to know and thus my choices. HE doesn’t want to deal with the discomfort it will be to work through any of the issues. Cause sure, it won’t be easy. But he doesn’t seem to comprehend that I have dealt with that discomfort (called PAIN) for years and years, and that it doesn’t ever get any better, because nothing has ever been resolved, and every day I have to deal with him.

Because of (who) it was, we have been living a marriage for many years that is not a marriage. But, I have come to a point where I know beyond a doubt that he is lying, and I want to know the truth. I don’t know how I will stand to be around him when I know the full truth, but I already cannot stand to look at him, cause the mental imagery of his admission/his slip, “I am never going to tell you what all I did, cause it would be too painful for you.” Let the chips fall where they may; I want to know. I have a right to know. All this time I have never gotton over this because I have always been haunted by the (who) and because of the continuing lies and deception over it, and also his lack of remorse over it, and his total incapacity to comprehend or have empathy for how it made me feel and what it did to me.

Let me ask you:
Would you want to know the who, what, when, where, how far (for real) it went, how many times it happened, when it started, and where it occurred etc. Could you continue on knowing they didn’t (have a clue) of what it did to you?
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIVE_AMAZINGLY 7/17/2013 9:23PM

    From all that I have been reading, (most)people do not move on and heal from something like this unless and until they get the facts. Time does not heal. Often even getting them out of your life doesn't heal. Distance cures nothing in the healing dept. In fact, people can move on to different areas, different people, different relationships, and still years and years down the road, NOTHING IS HEALED. Because what happened was not dealt with.

This is not to say that a person always gets the answers they want from the person, or even anywhere close to the truth. But, by questioning the offender, and dealing with the issues involved, they do get to put it to rest, heal and go forward without all that BAGGAGE.

My wanting to know has nothing to do with revenge. In fact, even though he has done the most horrendous things I have had empathy for him. Because I know (what) in his childhood created him to be the way he is. But, knowing what happened in his childhood, and having answered to what he did during our marriage, are two different things.

I have never healed because I have never had any kind of answers. In fact professionals were party to helping cover up the truth. And, they encouraged me to go back to him, forgive and forget. And, then I learn that much was hidden from me. And, I resent being kept in this relationship and circumstance by deception and fraud. I have a right to know the truth, and make decisions based on truth, and not deception. Even if I never fully get the truth, by questioning him repeatedly and not giving up (this is therapudic advice), than even if he lies I will learn the 'truth' by his answers, his not answering, and his reactions to the questions.

I'm really sorry that you think this is about revenge. It's not. The issue is 'dealing straight on with the issues' involved.

I know things like this (permanently) effect trust in future relationships. NOT just future romantic relationships, but ALL relationships of all kinds. Unless this is dealt with in an open and straight-forward way, (most) people carry permanent effects that effect every facet of their lives, even if they aren't aware of it.

I know you have been hurt (in general), and think about it: it HAS permanently effected how you go through this life. Well, this has permanently effected my life, and ALL my relationships, how I feel about people, how I think and react. It is way past time that it needs to be dealt with.

Comment edited on: 7/17/2013 9:36:03 PM

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CAROLFAITHWALKR 7/10/2013 1:30PM

    Everyone is different.

Ask yourself:
- what is the payoff to you, in knowing?
- in what way will knowing the details be life-affirming & nourishing to your spirit?

Even for "sick" behaviours, such as cutting, anoerexia, fill in the blank ___________, there is ALWAYS a payoff; whether it's a good behaviour or bad, there IS a payoff.

What is your payoff? That is your secret motivator.

I know someone who took great delight in long-term planning, 8 years, to ruin someone's life. Their sitch is completely dif from yours; and they were clear on the payoff. Their motive was revenge.

After seeing their scheme manifest and ruin someone's life, and gloating for about 9 months on the ruined person finally getting what they deserved, I asked them this question:

For the last 8 years, 9 months, and the hurful abusive period before that, you have been wrapped up in and totally invested in this other person's life and outcome of your scheme. And for 9 months you've rolled in and luxuriated in their ruin. I have a question for you. How has this 9+ year event and investment, paid off? What positive fruit exists in your life due to it and due to how you handled it?

Would I want to know? The only thing I would "want" from this situation is to get the toxic people out of my life in a permanent way. Life is too short to be wrapped up and invested in toxic people.

No matter what happens in life, no matter what others do to us, no matter what tragedies and injustices life brings us, that crap, that stuff, is NOT the point. The point is we have to be about our Father's business. And the point is to not get derailed from the point.

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DARLENEK04 7/8/2013 7:13PM

  I agree with AJDOVER....

I went through this, only my abusive, egotistical-narcissistic didn't care who knew
or what they knew. The kids heard all about it at school...did he care that he hurt
them as well?? Not a bit.

Blessings,
DarleneK

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KNYAGENYA 7/8/2013 3:50PM

    I wish I knew how to take your pain and hurt away. I would want to know the details but I would have to be prepared for these details. I hope you get some help for yourself so you can heal.

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CANDIK48 7/8/2013 2:15PM

    Been there, done that. Not once, but twice. Two different relationships. Here's some of the things I took away from each of the situations. I was hurt beyond measure that this happened. I felt betrayed and wounded and undesirable. In some ways, I felt like less of a woman. The blow to my sense of self worth and self esteem was overwhelming. On one hand I wanted to know the details and on the other hand, I didn't want to know how many more ways I could feel inadequate, jealous and betrayed. In the first circumstance, I learned them. Did it help me to "get over" it? No, not really. In fact, it did little other than fuel the negativity and pain inside. We tried marriage counseling but it didn't help. I couldn't let go of the FURY and PAIN. The marriage ended after 10 years. The last two were unbearable. In the end, he wanted the relationship to continue. I'd like to think it was because he learned my value as a person and a partner, but I have to be honest, I KNOW it was because no one else would have put up with him and it hurt HIS ego (Can we say narcissist and egotistical?)

For the second circumstance, I didn't need to know the details. All the grief, anger and negative feelings were more immeasurable than before and were compounded with revived feelings from the past. This time, I didn't want any details, it was enough that it happened AGAIN! Bye Bye relationship.

Why didn't I see this flaw in my relationships? How could I be so stupidly blind? What was wrong with me? Where did I go wrong? After a few years of soul searching and analyzing, I came to the surprising conclusion, it wasn't all me. Did I make the wrong choice by being with these guys in the first place? Maybe, I made the choices from my heart and not my mind so I didn't take into consideration some of the "red flags" that I should have seen. I didn't push them into having affairs (multiples each time!) but I should have seen the possibilities were there in their character. But even so, I also realized I didn't have to own all the negative feelings that were so devastating. I could feel them and I most certainly did! I had to acknowledged them, I didn't have to keep them. To do so would tear me apart and send me further into the abyss of hell that my emotions put me in. In the end, for my peace of mind and for my emotional health, I ended the relationships. It took some time to lick my wounds and give up the "ghosts" but I was determined to overcome and find the happy person inside me again.

Emotionally and mentally, I'm so much stronger and in a better place than I would have ever thought I could be in. Sorta like being honed by fire. I fully believe I could not have found the healing I needed had I not decided to give myself permission to move along in my life and my pain. Was it a struggle to be on my own? Absolutely. The first time moreso than the second time. But I did it. I took two jobs to make ends meet. Struggled with childcare for 2 small children. Went through some counseling. I learned to be by myself. I learned to be the one I could lean on. I grew. I'm now in a loving, supportive and amazing relationship with the man I will spend the rest of my life with. It's the best relationship I've ever had.

I look back and I see the ugliness I went through to get to the wonderful place I'm in now. In my opinion, I wouldn't change much. If I didn't have the bad to compare to the good, I might not appreciate it as much as I do. I might have been able to take it for granted. But I don't. I know how fragile and how strong a relationship can be and I nurture it every day. I thank God and am grateful for the lessons all aspects of my life has given me.

You mentioned that you couldn't get him to share in the resolution process you feel you need in order to move beyond this. His avoidance in giving you the information you want could, (or could not!) be because he doesn't want to hurt you, he's ashamed of what he did, he feels guilt or bringing to light the details of the infidelity makes the infidelity a reality he has to own up to.

So.. the questions you need to ask yourself (and spend some time on this!) is can you resolve the damage in the marriage without him? Are you wanting to know because it "justifies" what you feel and it might just cause him to suffer a little? (Trust me, his suffering won't make yours go away and you are already justified in feeling what you do! What you are NOT justified in doing is to keep yourself in torture mode about it. It's destructive! You deserve better!!!!! Just because what happened put you in emotional hell, it doesn't mean you have to stay there!) Learning details for me, not only made it worse, but brought me no closer to moving forward like I thought it would. Can you continue to live like this? How important is your marriage? Can you give yourself permission to find happiness again even if it means you leave the relationship? Are you the person you want to be and in the place you want to be? Is what you have the best you can have or is it capable of being the best of what you deserve? The answers are different for everyone. Finding a way through the pain is going to be hard either way you decide. But you have to find a way through it regardless.

I feel for you and your struggle and wish you strength to find your way through it. Please feel free to message me if you just want to vent to someone who's been there. Hang in there!!! emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 7/8/2013 3:14:16 PM

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_BABE_ 7/8/2013 1:03PM

    NO ifs,ands or buts. He needs to do exactly what you need to get over this or else it will be forever between you.

I would want to know what happened and more importantly why? Do you not have the same values as I? What about me was not doing it for you at the time? Actually that is not the case...what was wrong with you at the time that you felt the need to be with someone else?

He needs to be sorry and you need to feel that for a connection to spark.

Don't you agree?

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KELLIE453 7/8/2013 9:19AM

    List your pro's and con's of staying in your marriage....you may be shocked at the results. Whatever you choose to do, stay strong and see your way through. If you choose to stay in the marriage it sounds like you will have to just move on without knowing the details (which like you I would need to know) you will have to forgive (although you will never forget) and try to rebuild a successful marriage. If you decide to leave, life will be different for awhile....but gets much better (been there and done that). I wish you lots of luck and success in whichever choice you make in time. Hugs

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LISA579 7/8/2013 7:56AM

    I dont thinlk the details are what is bothering you the most. It is his changing what happened. I think if he just came out and said he had an affair and was sorry it would be different but to say all i did was this then to change what he did and say i wont tell you...iit is so childish. You need to decide if you can let it go..If you cant you need to move on. You cant go on like this is will drive you mad. You do what is right fo you not him...you

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MELODYTARYN 7/8/2013 7:33AM

    I would not and have not cared about the details. Details of what happened are not relevant. Why is the relevant part. If you can know the why, you may be able to heal and move on but you will NEVER get the full details as is very rare you would ever get the full story or if it happened before or since. Personally, I did not care to try to figure out the why and that is why I am divorced.


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COOKWITHME65 7/8/2013 6:16AM

    You already stated you are not living in in the marriage because of "Who" it was. How sad that he is not recognizing what he has put you thru and not tried to rectify it. Have you tried marriage counseling or a therapist just for yourself. I think it would help. I would want to know the details if the marriage was worth saving. But after speaking with a therapist that would help me see things clearly the details may not be as important. Maybe it is YOU as a human being is what is most important and you will realize details or not, you will not tolerate this type of person in your life any longer unless they take responsibility for their true actions and willfully put effort into building the relationship back up again.

Hugs,

Kristan

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GLC2009 7/8/2013 3:47AM

    if my dh cheated on me, i would end the marriage. it scares me to think that i would have to stick to that decision should the worst happen, but, a person has to have some standards they stick to. and that's mine. my partner screws around, i'm gone. unless--i look at myself and realize my actions or behavior were the catalyst that started the affair.

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PLATINUM755 7/7/2013 6:26PM

    That's a tough one, and it depends on what purpose it will serve you. That's key, it has to serve some purpose, positive purpose FOR YOU! We learn from positive and negative experiences. If knowing the details will help you move forward, then go for it, otherwise skip it. My ex wasn't faithful or truthful, so to ask for the details would only mean having to believe what I'm being told, with or without a counselor. You're an intelligent person, decide what you need to move forward. emoticon


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CHOCOHOLIC2276 7/7/2013 9:27AM

    I would want to know. Most importantly WHY. You have to be prepared for the response though, it might hurt more down the road. However I would want to know the details so I don't keep the questions running in my head.

Then comes the harder part. Can I trust you again? Will I become one of those women who monitors her man's every move, every phone call, if he is late for dinner, is this what my life would be like? Am I ok with this?

My ex fiancée and I had a rough relationship but I would have stood by him no matter what. That was how strong my love for him is (yes, to this day).I got a call from the other lady, she told me in very graphic and hurtful details what their relationship was like. Yes, she went into their physical relationship too, it made me sick. A lot happened and he was no longer a part of my life. He tried to contact me months later asking to see me via email. I'd changed everything else-cell, home, everything. I wish I had taken him up on meeting him and listening to what he had to say. No, it would not change anything. But, I've had questions for years. Some people say, get over it. For me it has been more difficult.

I hope you find inner peace through whatever you choose. emoticon



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STONECOT 7/7/2013 8:19AM

    I would rather not know the details, for me it wouldn't make it any better. My question would be, 'can I forgive him for whatever it was he did? and do I want to continue in this marriage?' If I couldn't forgive him going on would be pointless, if I could, I would need to draw a line under it and never refer to it again. None of this would be changed by the rights or wrongs of what he did.

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MADMIRANDA 7/7/2013 1:58AM

    He and her are just not worth it. You're better than they are. Perhaps you should move on, but that might be hard for lots of reasons, emotional , financial and practical. Lots of women are in this position, but that doesn't help you.

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MEDDYPEDDY 7/7/2013 1:11AM

    No, I don´t need to know the details. It somehow amazes me because I am very dependant of validation from others and I have a strong feeling of being abandoned as soon as I don´t feel totally part of the gang - but during my relation with the father of my child I never thought that he would cheat... once he went to Ireland for a course and came back showing photos of himself with a beautiful french women, very elegant and looking happy - and the thought crossed my mind "what if..." and then I realised that I did not relly care. I trust that if the person I am with do not want to be with me anymore, they will discuss this or leave me.

I would in fact be really angry with a man who had to "confess" that he cheated because I see it as a way to unburden his concience and lay it on me to handle. I do not want to deal with his affairs, I will not live with a man who is cheating because I think it is too much strain on the relation but if it happened I would not like to know - until it was so serious that it would change our relation and it that case I would still not want to know the details... this makes me fear that I am not passionate enough ;-)

My ex got into an affair with a new woman before ha had even moved out. It was hurtful but still - if he does not want to be with me, he does not want to be with me, I have no wish to discuss with a person that has chosen somebody else - or know the details - what good would it do me?

Comment edited on: 7/7/2013 1:16:08 AM

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AJDOVER1 7/7/2013 12:46AM

    You cannot trust that he will ever tell you the whole truth. He has nothing to gain by telling you the details. You've made it clear that he operates in his own self interest.

Marriage is a bond of trust, honesty, and mutual respect. From what you've described, your relationship with him does not seem to be a marriage.

In a marriage you have a right to everything you've mutually agreed upon -- nothing more nothing less.

When I left my abusive husband I lost everything, but I regained myself. I know you're convinced you can't change your situation. You are in my prayers.

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DJ4HEALTH 7/6/2013 10:49PM

    I think that you need to go into counseling and find a good one that will help you and also tell your husband that he needs to go too. If he does not want to go then you will also have your answer about how he feels about you and your marriage too.

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LOFLLAMA 7/6/2013 8:32PM

    Since you have obviously never gotten over it & he shows no remorse I don't understand what you need or want. I say move on. Sorry to be so blunt, but you are in too much pain.

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NANCYPAT1 7/6/2013 6:47PM

    I wish I had some magic answer for you. I have been there and lived through it - I also ended the marriage and have always had trouble trusting others ever since. I wish I had an answer but I think the answer lies in your heart and not in "our" heads.

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CHRISTASP 7/6/2013 4:27PM

    I too would seek some form of counseling to deal with this. I feel that you do have a right to know. But I'd want you to be able to handle it once you hear it, too.

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FIFIFRIZZLE 7/6/2013 4:19PM

    Ilike Prariemom I think you could use some help on this issue. To me it seems that you would benefit from a round of sessions on your own before bringing in your husband. Your therapist will help you to decide this.
Somehow you have to find a way to move on from this, and it may take a while, but it is worth it. You are harming yourself and your marriage by staying in this difficult stuck place.

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AFM190 7/6/2013 3:21PM

  Being someone that was cheated on and surely we have had some of the same questions, I realized it was not her choice of any decisions I made about the affair. One day my brother-n-law told me you can hate her forever or move on those are your only choices (he HATED his EX) at that point my mind was Lear and what happened I can not change, so you forgive and move on. I did not say forget but forgive the wrong that was done or move on. Sounds like you are letting his action eat you up inside, so you have to decide to forgive or move on regardless of whom the affair was with. If you are like me I wanted to tell everyone that it happened and I was not at fault , so that they would be hurt as bad as I was, it old not hace made a difference one wrong would not make it right or make me fill better. This is about YOU and the way you handle it.

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BOOKIEMONSTER82 7/6/2013 2:41PM

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. He sounds like a weak, cowardly man and no woman deserves to spend her days with a fellow like that. I wouldn't want to know any details. I know myself, and knowing the details would only make me hate him more. What do you think you stand to gain from knowing more? Will more details influence your decision to stay or go? You say it happened years ago, but your tone seems like the wound is still fresh. You shouldn't have to live like that. It seems to me that he has selective amnesia. He's obviously holding back the gory details because he doesn't want you to know how big of a douche bag he really is. And who's to say that he isn't still cheating or ever stopped cheating at all. I don't think you trust him. And I don't think you should. He hasn't been honest or faithful and it doesn't seem like he cares to get back in your good graces.
I encourage you to be selfish with this; sit down and ask yourself if you can (whether or not you get more details about this affair or not) ever trust this man or look at him with love again. If you can't, get out before more damage is done.
I wish you the best of luck. :)

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TERIANA 7/6/2013 2:34PM

    Personally I would move on and out of this marriage.

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PRAIRIEMIMI 7/6/2013 2:27PM

  My only input on this subject is to find a good couple therapist and make an appointment. You both need to work on this together with an independent third party. Otherwise, it will continue to haunt you. If he won't go ... that will be very telling ... and you should still go without him.

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