Here we go, go, go again.
Friday, July 05, 2013
It seems like I keep going through this cycle. I get motivated, I start trying, something happens, and I get discouraged. And when I get discouraged, I tend to just give up.
Currently I've all but given up on everything. I'm unemployed, I'm broke, and its starting to wear down my will. No one will hire me and I have two associate's degrees and I've put in at least 20 applications in a month. I can't afford healthy food, because I'm stuck eating what my mother-in-law buys us. I feel bad all the time, and I have no energy whatsoever. I take two or three naps in a day. I have insomnia that keeps me up half the night. I have no motivation whatsoever. I'm at my wit's end.
I've already lost some weight, and it is evident in the sagging around my waist and other areas. Because of the sagging, I feel like I look worse than I did before I lost the weight. When I find the motivation, I'm going to tone all that up.
My husband means to be supportive and helpful, but he has a compulsion to always poke my stomach or the fat under my arms. He doesn't mean it to be mean or hurtful, but to me it draws attention to the parts of me I hate the most. Sometimes I like to pretend like they don't exist. He tries to push me to better myself by telling me I don't need to eat something, or reminding me that I haven't done any type of exercise in over a month. But I don't take well to being told what to do, and it drives me crazy even though I know he means well.
Basically I'm using this blog as a way to get things off my mind without annoying my family or the few friends I have. I'm feeling pretty down on my luck these days. If anyone is actually reading this, I would be totally grateful for just a few small words of inspiration or motivation. It would really mean a lot to me.
If I had a wider support system, I may not hate myself as much when I slip up (which is inevitable) if I have someone to tell me that its okay and I can just get back up and go harder.
[Though I kind of hate myself for asking for motivation... I've never been one to seek attention from others...]
Enough whining for now.