Friday, July 05, 2013
I am absolutely deflated. I've got nothing left and I feel completely useless. I don't come first anywhere. Though I have friends and family that love me, I'm not their number 1. To any of them. And I can't even get that feeling professionally.
After all that work and preparation, I didn't get the job. I was told that my presentation was outstanding but that the other guy had answered slightly better on some of the questions. My manager said some other crap too about how they're trying to create more positions and that I'd be on an eligibility list if something came up etc. but by then I wasn't listening. I just left the room. I'm done with it all. I can't keep doing this.
I made a huge leap of faith moving to the public sector 5 years ago and was told at the time there's 'lots of opportunity to move up and grow' and yet here I am, 5 years later in the same position and with the same salary. I have competed on 6 jobs and haven't gotten any of them. It turns out, I didn't even win the job I have now. I found out recently that I was actually second but the first choice turned it down. So there you go, permanently an 'also ran'.
I woke up really early this morning and was full of rage and anger. I decided that I'd start pulling weeds before the sun got to the garden and it was too hot. I got a little over zealous. And I don't know the difference between a plant and a weed. Or whether you're supposed to cut down certain plants or yank them out at the root. So 2 hours later, I had a garden of dirt. I just got carried away and pulled it all out. Except that damn dead rose bush. I dug at it for over an hour. But it won't budge. I think it's cemented in there. And I broke the shovel doing it. And I have blisters.
So anyway, now I have a dirt garden. Kind of how I feel inside so I think it's apropos.
I'm not working today, thank gawd. But on Monday I'm going to have to suck it up, go back because I don't have the financial luxury of telling them to shove it and that I quit. And I'm going to have to say congratulations and be nice. Good thing I have 3 days to gear up for that.