Reminding myself to not lose hope, I still managed to get myself upset anyways. We went to my sister's for fourth of July yesterday, I managed to not overeat, but still more than usual. She looks better just being 25 pounds down. I'm down 45 pounds or so at least I thought. Then I seen the pictures she posted of me at her house, I don't even look smaller I look so big. And it was just so depressing. Did I put on weight, not that I know of, scale as been going down almost every week. So I stepped on the scale this morning, only a 2 pound gain from bloating since it was that week of the month. I moved the scale to another part of my room and it said 20 pounds higher. Talk about screwing up my day. So I looked up how to recalibrate it and see if it is accurate. Well the 20 pound higher part of my room said it was 1.5 pounds higher, and the other part where I normally weigh myself said it was right on the money. But when I go to step on it, it still had a 20 pound difference what gives. So since I knew the weight of my 2 year old I used her, same thing happened 1.5 pound difference and right on the money. Well something can't be right. I use my 6 year old and same thing. Why is my scale doing this to me?
So needless to say beyond frustrated right now. I know I have been losing weight consistently because my pants have been going down on sizes comfortably enough. My shirts I always like a size bigger though, although I do tend to prefer men's t shirts since they have normal sleeves. Oh why did I do that to myself today. Why did I have to look at the pictures, why did I have to go and move the scale? My husband says I'm smaller, he can feel it when he hugs me, but I still see everything wrong. My self esteem has always suffered since I was about 5 years old, back then it was how shy I was, how different I looked from my sister's appearance, later it was my buck teeth that my parents couldn't afford to fix. After that it was because I was the nerd, the toothpick, now it's because I'm overweight plus most of the that. UGH!!!! Just wish things were better sometimes.
I know I know, things change, things to get better. But why couldn't I been lucky enough to be thing and stay thin after kids. Why did I have to put on all this weight. Why couldn't I have been juggling work, kids, and a workout everyday. But I don't, I choose to stay at home and attempt to stay active which is difficult especially in the bitter cold winter, or way too hot summer.
Sorry I really needed to vent. Only good thing is after I got done writing in my journal which I do when I'm really upset. I decided to pop in my 30 day shred DVD. I hate Jillian Michaels not because I actually hate her, but she is so right in so many ways. And because of how upset I was, and frustrated I was I finished, I repeat I FINISHED Day 3 of her level 1 workout. The whole warm up, workout, and cool down which ended up being 28 minutes worth. I FINISHED IT!!! I couldn't believe it, I'm so happy that I did. But I'm still depressed. Going to try and do as many days of her workouts in a row that I can and take a day off from it when needed. Also going to make sure I pair up Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds DVD with it too for maximum results when I am able to. Although right now I am looking at mounds of laundry and dirty dishes, what do I choose. Me or the house, or try to juggle both...I have a 2 year old who needs constant attention, and 3 other kids who complain they are bored all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I am spending to much time fixing me and not enough time with the kids, although they prefer to play just themselves and no mommy hovering over them.
Oh, oh what shall I do. Well I shall do what I can for today. And try my best not to dwell. I am so tempted to throw out the scale right out my window and never look at it again. But I still need it for weekly weigh in's. Just need to remember that number doesn't count by itself. Other numbers matter too, such as NSV's.
1) 30 Day Shred
2) Leslie Sansone DVD
5) Mopping, sweeping, etc.
6) Set up for next weekends yardsale
7) Find a way to plan workouts early morning for the weekends and hubby's day's off
8) Remember to hold my head up high and that I am just as important to take care of as my kids
9) Plan when to talk to doctor, and have more tests done to figure out what is going on more...I know I stopped going, but I need to go back and press harder this is getting hard to deal with.
10) Be happy, or at least do my best to take some me time no matter what today and everyday
Thanks friends for letting me vent, you are all so wonderful. And this does help. Just need more help sometimes than others. More motivation, more faith, more determination, more willpower.