Friday, July 05, 2013
Last entry was from May 22nd-- and it hasn't gotten any better. Definition of Crazy is to keep doing the same things, over and over, expecting different results-- right?
I've applied for 5 new/different jobs. I did the majority of the applications on Wednesday of this week. I thought vacation would be just what I needed-- but I came back to the same mess but even bigger-- I know I can't do it all and I darn sure try. The only thing left to do-- is move on. I can't save every child. I can't change society. The only thing I can do at this point is save myself before it takes me down with it.
I want to make a positive difference in this world. I've worked tediously for almost eight years in this field. I adore the kids. I feel their pain, I want to protect them-- but the system is a hot mess. I know I can only do what I can do and I can't take on the 'beast' alone. I feel like a failure to give in, though. Like Iím abandoning the abandoned childrenÖ (I know I shouldnít take on the weight of the world, CANíT but that is much easier said than done)
How selfish will I be to walk away from this field, knowing that there are these children, being abused, neglected and further damaged by the system that is supposed to be in place to protect them?! My brain will never be the same, all the traumas, tragedies and all out horrors.
I donít know what I want. This exacerbates my situation. I know that I need out of my current situation. I know it is slowly damaging me. I know that it is part of the problem with my current weight. I just weighed myself --188.6 poundsóthe LARGEST Iíve ever been. I was numb and shocked when I saw the number on the scale. Iím almost the same weight as DF. I can wear his pants. I feel like crap. Crap is an understatement. Iím numb. N U M B. I canít even function beyond this point. Iím just done.
Now, to stop talking about it and be about it.
2 miles a day, 5 days a week
Eat within calorie range 5 days a weekóEat a healthy breakfast & lunch
WATER! Seltzer with dinner
Veggie Meal at least once a week for dinner
Eat my veggies & fruits
Make time for snacks and meals at work
Take MY CONTROL BACK. I'm in charge of me. I control what I eat-- not my emotions about a situation. I don't *Need* some "cruddy" meal to cope with my horrid day. I *Need* good fuel to help bounce back from the stress.
I know I complain a lot. It's time to stop talking about it and start being in charge of me.