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Purge and Move On. Action Necessary.

Friday, July 05, 2013

Last entry was from May 22nd-- and it hasn't gotten any better. Definition of Crazy is to keep doing the same things, over and over, expecting different results-- right?

I've applied for 5 new/different jobs. I did the majority of the applications on Wednesday of this week. I thought vacation would be just what I needed-- but I came back to the same mess but even bigger-- I know I can't do it all and I darn sure try. The only thing left to do-- is move on. I can't save every child. I can't change society. The only thing I can do at this point is save myself before it takes me down with it.
I want to make a positive difference in this world. I've worked tediously for almost eight years in this field. I adore the kids. I feel their pain, I want to protect them-- but the system is a hot mess. I know I can only do what I can do and I can't take on the 'beast' alone. I feel like a failure to give in, though. Like I’m abandoning the abandoned children… (I know I shouldn’t take on the weight of the world, CAN’T but that is much easier said than done)

How selfish will I be to walk away from this field, knowing that there are these children, being abused, neglected and further damaged by the system that is supposed to be in place to protect them?! My brain will never be the same, all the traumas, tragedies and all out horrors.

I don’t know what I want. This exacerbates my situation. I know that I need out of my current situation. I know it is slowly damaging me. I know that it is part of the problem with my current weight. I just weighed myself --188.6 pounds—the LARGEST I’ve ever been. I was numb and shocked when I saw the number on the scale. I’m almost the same weight as DF. I can wear his pants. I feel like crap. Crap is an understatement. I’m numb. N U M B. I can’t even function beyond this point. I’m just done.

Now, to stop talking about it and be about it.
2 miles a day, 5 days a week
Eat within calorie range 5 days a week—Eat a healthy breakfast & lunch
WATER! Seltzer with dinner
Veggie Meal at least once a week for dinner
Eat my veggies & fruits
Make time for snacks and meals at work
Take MY CONTROL BACK. I'm in charge of me. I control what I eat-- not my emotions about a situation. I don't *Need* some "cruddy" meal to cope with my horrid day. I *Need* good fuel to help bounce back from the stress.

I know I complain a lot. It's time to stop talking about it and start being in charge of me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    If you're burnt out and not happy where you are, it's not really positive for anyone. Taking care of your own well-being is a good thing. emoticon
    1692 days ago
    I've told you I've worked at CPS and it can really bring you down. I remember sitting down in my back yard one day with such a feeling of doom and crying. We can not change society but we can change ourselves. I hope one of your applications pan out. Put yourself 1st for awhile. emoticon
    1692 days ago
    Wow- good advice from STRINGI719.
    Let go of the guilt.
    Heal thyself- then see what you can do to help.
    I taught spec ed for 10 years and felt guilty about switching to regular elementary.
    I ended up adopting a little spec needs daughter-
    coincidence? I think not!
    1692 days ago
  • STRINGI719
    Great blog - go out there and 'get er done'!

    And don't allow the guilt to get to you... as a former teacher, we all experience that burn out. You are right, you can't save them all singlehandedly. Maybe if you get a less taxing job and get your health in order, you can start working on being an advocate/activist to change the system?

    BEST wishes!
    1692 days ago
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