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This week has been hard on me.

Thursday, July 04, 2013

Today is my 1,000th day on SP. Every day for the last 1,000 days I've logged in and participated in a variety of actions. Even when I was in a different state for doctor appointments, tests, and procedures or in the hospital, I signed on every day and did something. It was more important to me to sign on and spend some time here than to excuse myself for some reason.

I wanna say woohoo for me, but I can't. I feel completely defeated right now. LTD denied me, yet again. They completely ignored an entire group of doctors who support my claim and instead only contacted a few people who couldn't support my claim because it's not their specialty and they didn't do the tests. The Hartford has broken so many laws at this point, but I'm the one who has to suffer because the law will apparently not intervene for me. My LTD lawyer gets one more chance to step in and do something for the $4,000 I've paid their office. If she sits on her rear again, I'm going to be looking for a replacement. I'm already looking for a replacement for my social security disability lawyer due to the serious problems in their office. His staff only gives him the message that I called about 1 in 5 times, even when I'm calling and emailing they lose important paperwork I've sent them that should be submitted to SS and after 2 months when it's too late they finally send it in, and they do not send in the requests for appeals for over 2 months when I'm contacting them to find out what's going on. That's just flat out ridiculous. I'm so sick of people treating me like I'm completely worthless and that I should just disappear already. I'm sick of doctors treating me like I'm faking or not worth their time, all because they're ignorant and ill-equiped to handle my conditions. I hate having to constantly be looking for new doctors and new specialists because of their failure to understand that I'm unique and rare, not a liar seeking attention. They can't handle my case, but I can't afford to pay for the doctors who can.

I also feel terrible because of a dream I had this morning. There's this really freaky house that shows up in my dreams often, and more frequently lately. What happens in and around the house changes, but the design is always the same, even thought it's an impossible design. In the dream, I always own the house and there are always people around it, who think it's interesting but essentially hate it. As I show them around, I only live in a small portion of this big house, so the rest of it (including what should be my bedroom) is falling apart, full of bugs, and essentially unliveable. In the back of the house there's a huge sunroom that opens into a big store that sells fixtures (everything from sinks to appliances to cabinets), which I own part of the space but they use it and I get nothing for it, except at any time people can walk right into my house; but for some reason no one does (they never have customers). The store wants me to just give them the space and block it off from my house, but I want them to pay for it. Behind the house is a wooded area that opens onto a big lake that always has a lot of people having fun, but no matter how many times I invite people to hang out at my house, once they see it they want to leave.

This morning, I woke up in the middle of the dream and while still half asleep I tried to examine WHY this house keeps showing up. I fell back asleep and in total I dreamed about it for probably two hours (yes, dreams are real-time), but after I fell back asleep I took the time to dig around in the part that's supposed to be my bedroom but is destroyed and unsafe. I found clothes I forgot I had, a lot of items from different parts of my life, and tons of notebooks with memories written in them (which I read a little bit and most of it is bad memories I want to forget). My mother and sister were there, yelling at me, blaming me for everything that was wrong in this house, trying to take over and change everything to be the way they want it to be, and telling me I should just burn it down with everything of mine inside. They couldn't understand that my house was that way because I couldn't deal with it all, and I needed help - they yelled at me and said it was my fault that I screwed it all up and now they HAVE TO fix it because they don't want to hear me complain (even though I was proud of the part I originally showed them and they were the ones searching for all the bad parts so they could hate it).

After I woke up again and really considered it, I finally realized the reason this house keeps appearing. I can decipher the meanings behind dreams for anyone I somewhat know, but usually have a hard time with figuring out my own dreams. But this time it was obvious. The house is my body, my mind, and my life. Everything that happens in and around it is a reflection of what's happened to me. Every problem in this house, my failure to take care of it, to have anyone think good of or want to be around it, the opportunity for anyone to walk in and take over, how bugs have invaded and it's essentially destroyed, the disgust everyone feels when seeing it, is all a reflection of my life experiences. I can relate everything that's happened in these dreams in and around that house to horrible events, my medical conditions, the failure of people to treat me with respect or dignaty, and the terror I feel for what my future has in store for me. The fact that the dreams are happening more often now correlates to the progression of my medical conditions, as well as the increasing effects of all that has, is, and will continue to go wrong in my life. It's disheartening.

Yeah, so I'm in a bad place. I'm so lost. I don't know how to deal. I did finally set up a page online for donations and I'm hoping that will be some help. Since I don't want to solicit funds on SP, if you are interested in viewing the page, please send me a sparkmail and ask for the link.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    One thousand consecutive days... that's determination. I'm sorry to hear that things are not going so well right now - keep that determination.

    Dreams aren't prophecies, you simply can't let them break you. Take five minutes before bed to clear your mind and force yourself to think about your awesome future.

    I don't know what else to say except that, when I feel completely defeated, is when I need to give myself a woohoo the most.

    1474 days ago
  • OKIE30
    Hugs, dear!
    1478 days ago
    emoticon I'm so sorry! I'm still sending up prayers for you. Despite everything you are going through, you have been an inspiration to us here, and you have a very caring heart when it comes to what others are going through also. Even if you don't feel like celebrating, I think 1000 days of logging in every is awesome, and you are awesome too! emoticon
    1478 days ago
    I hope that you have some peace today.
    1478 days ago
    Sorry LTD denied you. emoticon Doctors don't want to sign off on anything they don't understand and there is a lot that doctors don't understand. It is very disheartening when you are ill and people believe it's all in your head or you are just seeking attention when that is not the case at all. It's difficult but keep fighting.

    When you were describing your dream, loss of control, feeling powerless, feeling like others were walking all over you/taking advantage/ and unresolved anger and hurt from how people have treated you were all represented. Your description of why you are having that dream makes sense. It's scary. Hopefully, the dream will fade away. Maybe it would help to focus on something you do have control over. That is tough when that isn't a lot at the moment but maybe it will be helpful.

    As for logging in 1,000 days straight, emoticon emoticon
    That is awesome, especially for someone who could have just easily given up!
    Feel good in knowing that you try incredibly hard and are doing everything in your power to help yourself. Feel good in knowing that you are here cheering others on!

    We all get in bad places sometimes. The good thing is everything in life is temporary. While you will be dealing with health issues for life, being in a bad place emotionally will pass. Maybe not today, maybe not even next month but
    sometime and I hope that time comes sooner rather than later.

    emoticon emoticon

    1479 days ago
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