Thursday, July 04, 2013
We all have at our disposal a great gift and a terrible weapon. You can't buy it but you possess it non the less. It is "words". Words have the ability to heal, comfort , build a person us but they also have the ability to hurt , destroy and tare down a person. Words impact us on such an unbelievable level that most of the time we don't even think about till it is something really really good or really really bad . Three statements have been made me to this week that have made me stop and think.
On Monday someone close to me said to me " I liked you better when you were fat." I took a deep crushed breath and walked away and thought about that for a bit. What Does being fat have do with anything I am the same person arent I ? after considerable thought i have decided that no i am not the same person. I am stronger, more confident, I have a voice and know how to use it. I dont just accept that I have to like people or that people have to like me. The fact of the matter is that I am different and they will just have to find a way to like the new me because I have no intention of going back to the other person. Being the door mat for everyone is over.
Yesterday someone said to me " I believe you are to hard yourself." and i thought again for a long time about this statement . They are correct I am hard on myself. I hold me to a standard that I wont hold everyone else. In my eyes I am never going to be pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough. I push hard to achieve what i find to be an acceptable limit. I am not sure why that is such a bad thing, god knows the things that have been said and done to me are the very things that made this way. People think that because you loose weight and become stronger that the rest just magically disappears. There is 30 years of name calling, jokes, fights and belittlement there that although i have come to terms with it, The walls of protection and defenses that came with it may never leave. I find that I will say something just so someone doesnt have to say it because it hurts less when I say it . For me to say my thighs are big is a big deal but i will say it so that nobody else has a chance to because for them to say it is like pouring salt in an open wound.
Today it is 88 degrees with lots of humidity. Earlier today I was going to the gym for a pool work out. So when i got dressed I put on my Unitard and a pair of floppy shorts. no over shirt or jacket and off i went. I didnt think anything of it. I get to the gym and grab bag and head inside and the girl at the counter looks at me and she says " you are so skinny" Wait back up what did you say . She said you are so skinny. I have been described in a lot ways but never have has any one said I was skinny before. So there i stood trying to figure out what to say to her. I almost cried. She said to me you are always dressed out and covered up that I never realized how small you really are. She is talking and my head is swimming I honestly didnt know what to say. I never did find the words to tell her how much i appreciated her comment. I am not skinny as in model skinny but I have worked hard to tone up as i go and that part i can see as long as you dont take a picture of me . I still cant take a decent picture lol.
I guess what I am trying to say here is choose your words carefully as to empower someone or give them permission to be different so that maybe they can let down the defenses and let the healing of all the damage that has been done due to being overweight or obese. Have tolerance for them when they just dont give there defenses up for they just didnt wake up and decide to be that way.