Thursday, July 04, 2013
My pet sadness is a strange beast, unpredictable in its visitations. I woke up this morning, feeling fine, in fairly good spirits, if a little tired. And then, a few hours ago, I don't know what happened, my mood just changed, in almost imperceptible degrees, until before I knew it, I was feeling quietly melancholy. Nothing specific happened to trigger this change in mood, nothing that I am aware of consciously, anyhow. And I don't even think I can blame hormones, as my TOM has just passed by. But now I just feel this deep and throbbing ache in my chest that I can't overcome, no matter how hard I try to laugh with my co-workers or students. I just want to bury my head in the sand and cry.
I know this will pass in time, but it's difficult to wait out. And underneath the sadness, I feel stirrings of anxiety, which is even worse. It anxiety decides to visit me today as well, then I am done for, as I feel so delicate and fragile; the merest touch of a feather could send me over the edge. After work, all I want to do is go somewhere quiet and be by myself, and just BE. Unfortunately, that will not be possible, as I have familial obligations that I can't get out of. And when I'm feeling like this, my family, annoying at the best of times, just make me want to do something drastic and insane to get all my frustrations with them out. Of course, a good way to deal with all this frustration is pounding the pedals of my bike, but because of this family visitation, I won't be able to do that this evening. *sigh*
It does offer me some consolation, at least, that this particular flavour of depression that is assailing me today is not leading me to any dangerous cravings. I often want to deal with sadness by eating, but I am being spared that today, thank goodness! I was actually mildly shocked earlier, as I grabbed my morning coffee, that I was able to look at all the donuts and pastries spread out in all their glory and splendour before me, without the least bit of temptation. I considered a chocolate danish, one of my favourites, and the thought of eating it did not even remotely appeal to me. If only these cravings could be absent from my mind always! I've found it fairly easy since Monday to stay on track with food and exercise. I caved in and weighed myself yesterday morning: 133.6. Yikes! But when I weighed myself this morning, I was down to 131.2, so at least some of that was water weight. I'm still up a couple of pounds from my lowest weight just two weeks ago, but hopefully I'll be able to shed those quickly. I'm getting to the point where I'm beginning to doubt it I will actually be able to reach my goal weight of 120 now. I'm not giving up yet, but my body seems to like hanging on in the early 130s. When I started this last year, my original goal weight was 150, which I quickly modified to 135. So, if I go by those numbers, really I'm doing okay. And honestly, if I don't reach my goal weight, I'm not going to beat myself up about it. But I will keep trying until the end of this year. If I haven't reached 120 by then, I'll just try and maintain at 130, still a healthy weight and nothing to sneeze at. But the stubborn part of me really wants to get to that elusive 120!
Okay, I just realized that it's time for lunch soon, so at least I'll be able to get away from here for awhile and escape into the world of my book, always a soothing experience. I'm off early today as well, which is nice, and I guess my weekend officially starts at 3:30, but I'm not really looking forward to it. Apart from spending time with my family this evening, I have a lot of chores to catch up on, as I was away last weekend and didn't get anything done. Bleh, no fun! Oh well, I just need to suck it up, right? I should know by now that life is not all about carefree summer days. In fact, those are so rare that they should be treated like the precious gems they are. Why do they pass so quickly?
I hope all my American Spark buddies are enjoying the 4th of July!