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    CAITYJAYNE   643
500-999 SparkPoints
Feel Like a Failure

Thursday, July 04, 2013

Just over a year ago, I lost almost 20lbs on Weightwatchers to take me to an all time low of 175lbs. Then I slowly gained it back. It was devastating. For the past year I have been FIGHTING to keep my weight low, and I cannot do it. Every time I try to diet it gets harder. No matter what approach I take. And I get fatter. I'm now at an all time high of 197lbs. I'm so sad I want to just sit and cry about it. And people berate me for not wanting it enough, or for being lazy. They'll say 'if you want to lose weight, just don't eat the chocolate'.

I don't know what to do any more. I really don't. I've tried EVERYTHING. All I've lost, aside from a few pounds here and there, is my self esteem. I lack the motivation to stay on a diet for more than a week. I lack the strength to walk past McDonalds on a Thursday night after my dance class and not have a burger. And no matter what attitude I try to take (it's not a diet! It's a lifestyle change!), it's all the same.

The ironic thing is, a while back I recorded this:

At the time I was panicking about how fat I'd gotten, searching for a way of losing weight that might stick. And now I look back, I think, you know, you don't even look THAT bad. But because of the strict diets, and regimes I embarked on, I'm now fatter than that.

But, I can't throw in the towel. I'll gain more weight. I can't diet. I'll end up gaining weight. There's no way out. I'm resigned to a life of trying to diet, just to gain weight at a slightly slower weight.

Everyone else seems to manage to do this. Why can't I?
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAITYJAYNE 7/4/2013 6:28PM

    Wow, thank you everyone. That makes me feel a lot better. I've noticed that when I'm working out I naturally want more healthy food. I've been off with a hip injury so now I'm going to focus on working out, something I love, and hope that triggers other healthy habits.
I might make a deal with myself that I can eat anything I want, as long as it's not processed. That might be more manageable than trying to cut out all processed foods and only eat healthy foods all at the same time.
I also don't think snacking is good for me. Frequent smaller meals seems to make me eat more - maybe because I'm not really satisfied. I did some soul searching today. I think the constant obsessing and searching for a perfect diet is harmful to me. I'm a recovered bulimic so I have to be very careful not to fall back into the same pattern. Sadly, even though it's been a year and half since I was considered bulimic, I still haven't really learned not to tie my self worth with my weight. But, in this world, I wonder if that's even possible.

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TIGER_LILY_613 7/4/2013 5:42PM

    I totally agree with MRS.CARLY.

My additional 2 cents is to start slow. If you have Netflix, try to watch the documentary called "Hungry for Change". In it, specialists discuss why most diets fail, which is mainly because (1) The processed foods around us are actually engineered to get us addicted to them, so coming off them is very challenging ! (2) People try to make changes too quickly, and their bodies simply can't sustain it. You're human ! On average, any crash diet lasts only 21 days.

The human body knows the nutrients it needs to be healthy, but doesn't know how to ask for it. So sometimes when you feel hungry, and feel like getting fast food, it's actually because your body is craving something healthy, but doesn't quite know how to ask for it. So you get hungry quickly soon afterwards and the cycle repeats itself.

So their advice, which I totally agree with, is to simply, slowly, "Add in the good stuff".
(I literally have this on a paper pinned to my wall in purple sharpie!)

Start by just adding something healthy to one or of your meals everyday - a salad, a glass of water. Little by little, your body will get used to getting the nutrients it needs, and will slowly begin to repair itself. Then slowly increase the amount of good stuff, and decrease all the other unhealthy foods. You can use the food trackers as a guide to see how your food measures up.

A key advantage of going slowly, and starting off by "adding in good things" (instead of "removing") is that you eliminate that sense of deprivation that builds up during most "fad diets", causing them to fail.

Then look at other things that help. Do you need some help from a nutritionist ? Could you use some help from a personal trainer? Do you have an activity you could ease into ? Start small and build up. You can totally do this.

Your story is my story too. I've dieted and yoyo-ed so hard, it broke my heart. I used to feel so helpless and so hopeless. Like crying on the phone with my sisters because I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I was going crazy ! I didn't understand how I was eating so badly and not exercising, when I wanted so badly to be fit !

But you can do this. Try to aim for a lifestyle change, because quick fixes tend not to last. Try to assess what works for you, and then slowly, SLOWLY, build up to it.

Have hope. You can do this.

Comment edited on: 7/4/2013 5:52:33 PM

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WALKINGCHICK 7/4/2013 5:15PM

    Carly makes some great comments, my thoughts were related to her points - take baby steps, take it one day at a time, and set goals that are realistic and achievable, and sticking to a timetable if you can.

To my last point - we all go through this exact same problem to a greater or lesser extent. Like you I have worked at losing weight, and ended up putting on more weight, and over the years I have steadily increased my weight, with patches where I dropped many lbs. It is enormously depressing, but I keep trying, I keep looking at how I can achieve my overall goals, but I do it on a day to day basis. And I try really hard to weight things up before I do/ eat them.

You will succeed, take care of yourself and it will happen.
emoticon emoticon

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STONECOT 7/4/2013 5:05PM

    All good advice, do try it out.

If however like me, you are sick of calorie counting and tracking, tired of the constant voices telling you that eating healthily will cure all you weight problems, and know it isn't that simple, or you would already be thin, then have a think about fasting twice a week. A lot of others will throw up their hands in horror, and tell you that you will be weak and faint and have headaches etc, but I have lost weight slowly and steadily doing this since March, and on my fast days I do water aerobics, body conditioning and two hours of vigorous karate, and I feel just fine! Come and look at the 5:2 diet, or visit for more information on it.

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DENIJA 7/4/2013 4:26PM

    Everyone is already giving you amazing advises, and I can only agree, especially with Carly. When I started to use Spark people, there were lots of people who ate 1300-1400 calories daily and run miles and went to gyms and I thought that I should too, but these people were not me, and instead of doing that I ate 1800-1900 calories every day and took a 60 minute long walk every day (at first they were quite slow walks), and I started to lose weight. It happened slowly, if I would eat 1400 calories I could have lost more, but I liked my caloric range, I never felt hungry, I could slowly adjust to eating less, I could find space for a piece of candy or a cookie I can't resist. And right now I run 5km 3 times per week and do a little bit of strength training, and I still eat around 1600-1700 calories and still am losing weight. I make foods that I like, I never eat something just because it's healthy or people say you should it eat, from time to time I eat my favorite chocolate cake or ice cream that I love, I've accepted that this will take me a long time, but I quite like the journey... :) Don't try to do too much too soon, accept that this you can't change habits you had for years, make slowly steps, changes that won't make you feel overwhelmed.

You can do it! emoticon

Comment edited on: 7/4/2013 4:27:38 PM

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ADARKARA 7/4/2013 12:14PM

    The smaller you start, the easier it will be. Start off by doing nothing but getting in 8 glasses of water a day. Then track your food to see what you're consuming, but only when you get into the water habit. Obviously you exercise, so you won't need to worry about adding that. Try to limit fast food. Depriving yourself completely will only make you want it more! If you HAVE to have fast food, make a better choice when you get it. Instead of getting a large meal, get a small. Don't drink regular soda. Get a side salad with your burger instead of fries. Tiny little changes and you'll barely notice them. You CAN do this, but don't go all gung ho, or you're going to want to give up.

I was 275 lbs and drank 2 liters of Coke a day. The very first thing I did, before I even started here, was to switch from Coke to water. I lost 23 lbs in the 6 months before I started SparkPeople JUST DOING THAT. No exercise, no counting calories, NOTHING! So small changes DO add up!

Now I drink an average of 16 glasses of water a day (which some people think is extreme, but it works for me), and I've lost 90 lbs. It's doable!

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CAITYJAYNE 7/4/2013 10:43AM

    Right, and I understand that, but I can't seem to put it into practice, which is why I'm feeling like this. It seems so easy for people to tell me what attitude I should have but if I could adopt any attitude I wanted I wouldnt be at this place.

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SIMONEKP 7/4/2013 10:09AM

    Carly's answer is very through and I agree with it, however, at some level you do have to take personal responsibility for your eating habits. You have to decide what's more important to you- the long-term benefits of gaining health or the fleeting pleasure of eating the hamburger? As Carly suggested, start slow.

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CAITYJAYNE 7/4/2013 9:21AM

    I've just been looking at your page - you've lost a lot of weight, and you look so different! How did you deal with getting rid of bad habits, and the feeling of deprivation that brings, if it did at all? Or, slipping up in a major way and getting back on plan?

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CAITYJAYNE 7/4/2013 9:16AM

    Thank you. I will look out for your blog. Yeah I usually try to drop my calories to 1500. I did that a few months back and I lost 7lbs in a week. Now when I manage to do that, I'm lucky if I lose a pound. Not exactly motivation to keep going.

Because I'm dancing, I log about 5-8 hours of cardio a week, BUT I'm sat down during the day. I also lift weights (well, I'm just returning after a few weeks off with a torn hip muscle) and do HIIT interval training once a week.

I know my eating habits aren't the best, but I seem to have two ways of eating: completely unhealthy, and lots of food, or, I'm 'on' a diet and only eating small amounts of very healthy food. I think I'm going to work out what 2000 calories would look like and see how I feel on that. I'm just tired of all the calorie counting etc consuming my whole life.

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MRS.CARLY 7/4/2013 9:05AM

    It is very hard. I've gained about 10 pounds since my husband deployed, I guess it is the stress. Although I think Weight watchers is a good plan, I do believe it is too low of a calorie range for someone that is very active. You are a dancer, right? Pretty active lifestyle I would think. I just saw a nutritionist yesterday and got really good advice from her. Most of it were things that I already knew, which will actually make things a LOT easier for me, but some of it was surprising. I will post a blog about it later...maybe check it out and see if that provides you some guidance you want to follow.

I think for you, I would focus on upping your calories, and focusing on maintaining. So say, every time you diet you drop down to 1400 and lose some weight in the beginning. Your body gets used to when you eat normally you gain weight (like the burger after dance class). Track how much you eat, starting NOW, don't try to "Diet", just keep track of how much you are eating so you get an idea of how high your calories are in a day...then next focus on eating a little less. So say you are consuming 2800 calories a day and you know that is causing you to gain weight, cut down to 2500 and work on trying to move more throughout the day and see if you can MAINTAIN your weight at that. If you can...heck you might even lose a little bit at that much, then focus on dropping it down a little more, say to 2200 per day and see if you can lose weight at that calorie range. The goal really IS to make it a lifestyle change. I think most people think that you need to eat at a really low range to lose weight, but from my research I have found that to not be true at all. Every time I go low, and i eat normally again, it all comes right back.

Now to tackle your self esteem, are you able to go to therapy or a counselor? Do you have health insurance? Most states have therapists/counselors that operate on a sliding scale if you don't have insurance. It is just something worth thinking about. I believe that health and wellbeing takes a WHOLISTIC approach. I have now decided to change what I spend my money on and focus on the things that are important to me, like my health. I just hired a personal trainer, now I'm meeting a nutritionist (which my insurance helps to cover), and am attending church to help with my spiritual side. I have gone to counseling in the past and found it beneficial.

Pick your chin up, it's a new day...every day is a new day, we get 2nd, 3rd, million chances. Eventually one of these chances will stick.

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