Thursday, July 04, 2013
Just over a year ago, I lost almost 20lbs on Weightwatchers to take me to an all time low of 175lbs. Then I slowly gained it back. It was devastating. For the past year I have been FIGHTING to keep my weight low, and I cannot do it. Every time I try to diet it gets harder. No matter what approach I take. And I get fatter. I'm now at an all time high of 197lbs. I'm so sad I want to just sit and cry about it. And people berate me for not wanting it enough, or for being lazy. They'll say 'if you want to lose weight, just don't eat the chocolate'.
I don't know what to do any more. I really don't. I've tried EVERYTHING. All I've lost, aside from a few pounds here and there, is my self esteem. I lack the motivation to stay on a diet for more than a week. I lack the strength to walk past McDonalds on a Thursday night after my dance class and not have a burger. And no matter what attitude I try to take (it's not a diet! It's a lifestyle change!), it's all the same.
The ironic thing is, a while back I recorded this: https://www.facebook.com
At the time I was panicking about how fat I'd gotten, searching for a way of losing weight that might stick. And now I look back, I think, you know, you don't even look THAT bad. But because of the strict diets, and regimes I embarked on, I'm now fatter than that.
But, I can't throw in the towel. I'll gain more weight. I can't diet. I'll end up gaining weight. There's no way out. I'm resigned to a life of trying to diet, just to gain weight at a slightly slower weight.
Everyone else seems to manage to do this. Why can't I?