Du and I e-mail back and forth frequently throughout his workday, just little snippets, things that happen at home, or for him, at work, or requests that certain errands that be run, or chores that need to be done. It's nothing very important, but I found out today how much he looks forward to hearing from me. When he got home he said, "You must have been busy today, I didn't hear from you."
I felt badly that I hadn't taken a second out of my busy schedule to send him a quick e-mail or two. I need to make that a priority. He IS my priority! I just got preoccupied with some shopping/errands I had to do before our Fourth of July party, and then the cooking that took up the rest of my time when I got home. But I know I could have found a little time to send him a quick e-mail. I will do that from now on!
I had responded late yesterday (after he got home from work), to an e-mail he wrote to me yesterday. He had e-mailed me that it had taken him forever to remember something and he wasn't looking forward to getting older cause his memory was just going to get worse. Then he evidently thought about his situation and said something about maybe growing old wouldn't be so bad after all. This is what I wrote back to him:
"Getting old, as we've sadly learned is highly UNDER-rated. I'd give everything I've got for a chance to grow old with you. I don't want to do it alone. Can't I just come with you???"
We don't normally talk this frankly, although we do speak of his diagnosis, indirectly a lot. He makes light of it, and I follow suit. This was his e-mail response to me:
"You won’t be alone. Start smiling and be happy. That’s very important now. You don’t have to do anything else but be happy. Don’t clean anything or work in any way you don’t want to, I don’t care, but you have to be happy"
And I realized that he is being so upbeat even with this horrendous diagnosis hanging over him, to insure that I too will at least appear happy. We're both putting on happy faces even though inside, I, at least, am crying a great deal of the time. As I've spoken about before, when one of us is unhappy, we're both unhappy and the same is true when we're happy. We take our cues from each other.
This was my response to him late yesterday, so he didn't read it until he got to work this morning:
"I will do that--just for you. You can count on me."
It's good to know what he wants from me. I was afraid he was thinking I didn't care very much cause I don't cry that much around him, not like I do when I'm alone. I do try to keep a happy attitude, especially around him. And if that's what he wants, that's what I'm going to do.
So...I can be happy for my Du, or I can at least act like I'm happy. Because it's important to him, it's important to me. And.....that is the kind of wonderful man I married almost 43 years ago. A man who is more concerned about my happiness than he is about his own terminal situation. I love him so much.
I helped (?) Du put up our new mailbox last night. Doesn't it look nice?
And he put up the new Barn Star I bought. This was no easy task, hanging it on brick!! But my Du can do anything!