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    CAFALL   8,294
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effort

Wednesday, July 03, 2013

I ran again today, more than a mile and a fourth, but less than a mile and a half. Pushing the stroller might actually be helping me, because I notice that I press down on the handlebar sometimes when my legs feel tired. I'm trying to get back into running every other day, and so today I did it.

I notice myself making bad decisions kind of on purpose. I'm trying to not fib about it to myself anymore, and even track the crap I don't like admitting I eat, because really, lying to myself is kind of dumb. A lot of people do it probably, but it's kind of dumb anyway. I went to fill up on gas, and got myself some gas station cookies. It was on purpose. I wanted some cookies, so I filled up and got some cookies. I got a little bag of four cookies, and ate them all with my dinner at work. I do this once a week or so. I post small losses while still doing this, but this time when I had my .4 lb loss, I wondered to myself, how much would I be losing if I quit with the cookies? How much would I be losing if I got real and put concentrated effort into this?

I know life will give me back what I put into it. I also know I'm putting in a weird combination of genuine effort and deliberate bad choices.

My grandmother's 90th birthday party is less than two weeks away. I'll see cousins there that I feel inferior around. (They're not horrible bitches, honest. I'm just insecure and self-conscious, especially in the face of their thin-pretty-successful lives.) Pictures will happen. I don't want to be the standout big giant cousin like I was last time we were all together. If I put in serious effort then at least my cheekbones will look amazing and my neck and jaw will be good and reasonably defined in any pictures. And even though things like my flappy arms and big hips are beyond what I can do in a week and a half, if I put effort in, they won't be bigger at least.
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