Wednesday, July 03, 2013
So I "came back" to SP two days ago, with full intentions of a brilliant restart into healthy eating and weight loss.
That didn't happen. I found myself at the grocery store. Hungry. I caved and ate two croissants. Then I made cookies for a neighbor as a thank-you for caring for my cats while I was on vacation. And ate a lot of a dough. And a lot of cookies.
Yesterday I hosted someone else's child. All day long. This is very stressful to me, as children scare me. Even the nice ones. It makes me anxious to be in charge of other people's children for very long, because I can't be sure what to expect: will they be respectful and obedient? What will I have to deal with? Long story short, I consumed many more cookies.
So basically this is day 3, and I've done the opposite of what was intended. But I've done something that, unfortunately, comes all too easily to me: I binged. And then I kicked myself for bingeing, so I binged some more.
My history shows me, again and again, that that is my pattern. That, combined with a sincere reluctance to give up these eating patterns (because I a) love food and b) am addicted to food physically and emotionally), is making it, uh, very hard to have a positive attitude and to want to keep trying.
But we're at the stage where wanting to can't figure into the equation any more. Or at least not as much. We've moved on to the need to stage. Of course telling myself I need to do anything generally sets up a rebellious feeling, and this issue is no different. Or perhaps that's true especially for this issue.
That's O.K. That's O.K. Because I'm going to keep it at the forefront of my thinking and pray pray pray for willingness, even though I don't want to do this, and eventually the willingness and the action will come.
And hey, it's almost 8:00 a.m. and I haven't eaten a single cookie. That's progress, right?