Wednesday, July 03, 2013
Adjusting to my life and the waves of stress and achievement that have washed over me. I am being affected by the fight going on in my state of Texas for women's freedom of choice and control of their own bodies. I ache with despair over the mysogymy taking place. Many of my able bodied friends are at the capital and involved with protesting. I want to be there too but am too disabled to do so. My health is precarious.
I slept six hours from Tuesday into Wednesday which is fantastic for me. I was very tired after a busy day but not exhausted which is a great thing. My blessings are many and my problems are numerous but I AM making significant changes and aiding myself with much healthier choices. I am amazed that I have exercised 45 minutes this week. Keeping track here on SP is benefitting me. I look at the stats and I feel awe and amazement and pride. Tiny baby steps I am making go ahead and laugh I am now strong enough to not let your derisement deter me from my goals.
When I was forty my dad visited me with some of his friends in my small studio apartment and made fun of my 2lb weights which were on the table and which I had some pride wrapped up in the fact that I was exercising within my limits from having arthritis. Everyone laughed at the 2lb puny size and I was deeply wounded. It hurt so much I never used those weights again. My self esteem was so low back then. That wound is not fully healed but writing about it helps. I think I should tell my OA sponsor.
Being judged was my fear. Wow! My whole body is vibrating with energy from that sentence. Being judged......was my fear. That's why I have all this weight on me because excess food and being fat protected me from that fear. I could hide behind the fat eating the humiliation of my parents derisement, bigotry, jealousy, anger, and belittlement. Now whether or not my parents feel these things towards me or not I do not know or need to know the important factor is this is and was how I perceived my life. I felt judged and that I didn't measure up. I still do. But I am stronger now at 58 than I was at 40. I am confident in who I am, the direction of my life, my goals, my choices, and my desires.
I think I will sit with this for a while. Feel safe with my emotions. Feel calm and peaceful. Feel blessed. Only I have the right and power to judge me, no one else. My life is a work in progress. Go stick your nose in your own business. I am safe in my life now, safe to be me. Safe to exercise in tiny steps which don't cause me agonized pain because of my arthritis and fibromyalgia. I am safe. I block all mockery and belittlement directed towards me from any and all angles. It does not echo and rebound in me any longer. I am strong. Stronger than any perceived and experienced wounds or attacks or careless comments. I wrap myself in a cloak of strength and emotional well being. I am safe.