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Wednesday, July 03, 2013

Adjusting to my life and the waves of stress and achievement that have washed over me. I am being affected by the fight going on in my state of Texas for women's freedom of choice and control of their own bodies. I ache with despair over the mysogymy taking place. Many of my able bodied friends are at the capital and involved with protesting. I want to be there too but am too disabled to do so. My health is precarious.

I slept six hours from Tuesday into Wednesday which is fantastic for me. I was very tired after a busy day but not exhausted which is a great thing. My blessings are many and my problems are numerous but I AM making significant changes and aiding myself with much healthier choices. I am amazed that I have exercised 45 minutes this week. Keeping track here on SP is benefitting me. I look at the stats and I feel awe and amazement and pride. Tiny baby steps I am making go ahead and laugh I am now strong enough to not let your derisement deter me from my goals.

When I was forty my dad visited me with some of his friends in my small studio apartment and made fun of my 2lb weights which were on the table and which I had some pride wrapped up in the fact that I was exercising within my limits from having arthritis. Everyone laughed at the 2lb puny size and I was deeply wounded. It hurt so much I never used those weights again. My self esteem was so low back then. That wound is not fully healed but writing about it helps. I think I should tell my OA sponsor.

Being judged was my fear. Wow! My whole body is vibrating with energy from that sentence. Being judged......was my fear. That's why I have all this weight on me because excess food and being fat protected me from that fear. I could hide behind the fat eating the humiliation of my parents derisement, bigotry, jealousy, anger, and belittlement. Now whether or not my parents feel these things towards me or not I do not know or need to know the important factor is this is and was how I perceived my life. I felt judged and that I didn't measure up. I still do. But I am stronger now at 58 than I was at 40. I am confident in who I am, the direction of my life, my goals, my choices, and my desires.

I think I will sit with this for a while. Feel safe with my emotions. Feel calm and peaceful. Feel blessed. Only I have the right and power to judge me, no one else. My life is a work in progress. Go stick your nose in your own business. I am safe in my life now, safe to be me. Safe to exercise in tiny steps which don't cause me agonized pain because of my arthritis and fibromyalgia. I am safe. I block all mockery and belittlement directed towards me from any and all angles. It does not echo and rebound in me any longer. I am strong. Stronger than any perceived and experienced wounds or attacks or careless comments. I wrap myself in a cloak of strength and emotional well being. I am safe.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I so wonder where I got that fear to be judged from, it has paralyzed me a lot and stopped me from living my full potential... the fear of being mocked because I am fat and ugly has disappeared - because maybe I AM fat and ugly but so what? The fat I can work with the ugly is in the eye of the beholder....

    But emotionally I am still very scared of judgement - and allergic to it, when I don´t withdraw I get very rebellic....

    I can do acting on stage because when I do I never think about how I look or what peopel might think - I am totally present in the moment and living it. But if I see pictures...ewww it is really painful. And the practial effects of my obesity is getting very hard to endure...

    You weigh less than me - let´s fight our obesity together!
    1622 days ago
    Your words are wonderful- I am happy you are moving to a better place and keep on moving towards goodness and health... we are with you cheering you on.
    1626 days ago
    Am glad you found your way!
    1626 days ago
    What a beautiful, heart-felt blog entry. I could feel your pain, I could feel you joy and I could feel your safety. Shame, shame, shame on your parents! And good for you for finally discovery that you are worthy. You matter! You have purpose! It is your life and living it for yourself - and no one else - well, that's just perfect! Keep on keeping on and never, ever let someone else get in your head and reek havoc! God Bless! emoticon
    1626 days ago
    1626 days ago
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