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    RAZRBKMOM   2,157
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time for me...


Wednesday, July 03, 2013

I have realized it is time for me to put me first. this is something I have NEVER done. Being a mom I have always put my kids first. But with everything that is going on with Jason and Tyler I realize that is out of my control and I need to control what is in my life.

Jason in all reality is going to prison and I can't change that. Tyler decided to go live with his dad, I can't change that. He is 17 and will be 18 is April, he is grown....I have done all I can do, and if it wasn't enough, then it just wasn't. I tried my best. I don't have the money his dad does, and his dad never paid a dime of child support to me for him...so I did it on my own for 8 years, there have been times when I have felt like I failed. But I am realizing that I did all I could. If he is happier out there then so be it, parents want their kids happy and healthy. If he can be out there and can't be at my house, then he needs to be out there. Do I like the live in inserting herself into the picture no, but I can't change it....

I first started with SP and was doing so good with it, then got derailed. It is past time for me to put me first. Health wise, and just taking the time to do something I enjoy. I don't care if it is going and watching a baseball game, or driving around taking pictures, it is time to make new friends and get out and get involved in life.

I realized about 7 years ago the dating pool here isn't anything to brag about or even choose from. And there are times when I do wish I could find someone that I could enjoy things with, but I am putting it in God's hands and if he wants someone in my life he will bring them to me....(at least I hope he does) I do get lonely. I don't have a good relationship with my "mother". I was adopted and she never wanted me, my dad did...but sadly I lost him in Aug of 07. My bio mom doesn't have anything to do with me anymore either, so I still struggle with the feeling of being abandoned.

But I am determined to get my tail up and get out....this coming home and going straight to bed isn't cutting it anymore. yes there are days when I feel so bad that is all I want to do, but I have to make myself not do that. The tests hopefully will come back soon and I pray they will show the cancer isn't progressing and that I am just wore down due to the stress I have been under....I have to let the stress go...I have to use the tools that I have in front of me and get my life back!!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
CELEST 7/3/2013 11:34AM

    It may not sound like much, but remember that God does know you, and your efforts and he will make a way out of your tribulation and that is what it is..tribulation. Hopefully your children will grow up emotionally one day and you can have a better relationship with them. I agree with you that in the meantime you need to get yourself into a better place...emotionally, physically, whatever so that when that time comes..you are ready and able to handle it. Have you thought of getting help for yourself, like a support group or something?

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RAZRBKMOM 7/3/2013 2:32AM

    You can go back a few a catch up, but basically my oldest made choices that landed him in prison for years, and I have had a hard time not feeling like a failure. I didn't see the signs....I wonder every day what I could have done differently but I don't think I could have. I am coming to the realizatation that it was his choice. I don't like those choices but they were his.....And as far as his brother, he wanted to go to his dads because he gets way with everything out there....And I just don't care. He really hurt me this week and I just don't want him here right now. I need positive around me not negative. If he can be happy, he needs to be out there....!!!! It HURTS OMG it HURTS, but I have to focus on me. If I don't I know this time next year I won't be here. Just keep me in your prayers. I need prayers, I need new friends, I hoped to find some from my area on here but not
I am exhausted, I am going to try to sleep for a couple of hours....I will check back in tomorrow. Thanks for all the words of support.

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FITFRIT 7/3/2013 1:00AM

    As I am just coming to your blog for the first time I am not sure all the details about what is going on with your children but wanted you to know that someone did read your blog and said a prayer for you to come to peace with your boys and their decisions. It is never easy being a mom, I wish our children could see that when they are younger, but some day they will. Good luck.

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