Wednesday, July 03, 2013
I have realized it is time for me to put me first. this is something I have NEVER done. Being a mom I have always put my kids first. But with everything that is going on with Jason and Tyler I realize that is out of my control and I need to control what is in my life.
Jason in all reality is going to prison and I can't change that. Tyler decided to go live with his dad, I can't change that. He is 17 and will be 18 is April, he is grown....I have done all I can do, and if it wasn't enough, then it just wasn't. I tried my best. I don't have the money his dad does, and his dad never paid a dime of child support to me for him...so I did it on my own for 8 years, there have been times when I have felt like I failed. But I am realizing that I did all I could. If he is happier out there then so be it, parents want their kids happy and healthy. If he can be out there and can't be at my house, then he needs to be out there. Do I like the live in inserting herself into the picture no, but I can't change it....
I first started with SP and was doing so good with it, then got derailed. It is past time for me to put me first. Health wise, and just taking the time to do something I enjoy. I don't care if it is going and watching a baseball game, or driving around taking pictures, it is time to make new friends and get out and get involved in life.
I realized about 7 years ago the dating pool here isn't anything to brag about or even choose from. And there are times when I do wish I could find someone that I could enjoy things with, but I am putting it in God's hands and if he wants someone in my life he will bring them to me....(at least I hope he does) I do get lonely. I don't have a good relationship with my "mother". I was adopted and she never wanted me, my dad did...but sadly I lost him in Aug of 07. My bio mom doesn't have anything to do with me anymore either, so I still struggle with the feeling of being abandoned.
But I am determined to get my tail up and get out....this coming home and going straight to bed isn't cutting it anymore. yes there are days when I feel so bad that is all I want to do, but I have to make myself not do that. The tests hopefully will come back soon and I pray they will show the cancer isn't progressing and that I am just wore down due to the stress I have been under....I have to let the stress go...I have to use the tools that I have in front of me and get my life back!!!