Tuesday, July 02, 2013
My first post and I don't have a lot of time to write it but I wanted to...
I've been from 91kgs to 80kgs since I was 14-5.
I was at my thinnest in 2008 while living overseas at 79kgs and I was so shocked, I didn't believe it when I was on the scale. My weight usually hovers at the 83-84kg mark.
This year I started at 84kgs. Since then, I've managed to get my way down to 79kgs. During a serious depression I just...didn't feel like eating. I felt sick every time I thought of having to eat and that pushed me down on the scale. I was shocked again, when I realised. I'd been exercising more than usual - I try to jump rope every day but three weeks ago my trusty old rope that I've had for 6 years snapped in half. and even though I didn't want to eat I was making sure I drank a lot of water because I didn't want to get really sick.
I'm shocked that I lost 5 kilos but I knew too it wasn't sustainable like that because I wasn't eating so I didn't let it get to me too much. I then cut out having dessert for about a month - I would only have it on special occasions and I had cheat days but overall, I wasn't eating (where I normally would every night). I went back to eating sugar but found that I was putting the weight back on and I wasn't enjoying it as much as I did before.
Right now, I'm on a challenge to have dessert maximum of once a week until I go overseas. I haven't been eating much rice, or potato or noodles like I was usually doing before.
It's hard. I got my appetite back after a while and began eating again and the scales predictably went back up.
These past three weeks...the past month...it's...I oscillate between being ok and being very not ok. There's been personal things going on with my friends and me and my overall life satisfaction is very low, my sense of self worth is pretty much non-existant. I've been making more mistakes at work and I have times where I want to sleep forever and nights where I can barely get in an hour.
I want to be really honest on this site, on my blog, so I can be accountable to myself and to others.
I am terrified of putting on weight. I'm scared that I haven't lost any. That the scales are lying. I still look down and see rolls of fat, still see how fat I am in the mirror. I know my clothes are baggier on me but...it feels like it's not real.
I stepped on the scales this morning and I think it said 77. I know they're just a number, and when I find the measuring tape I'm going to take my measurements because I just still see what I look like and it's like nothing's changed.
I was so achey this morning - I went to bed too late last night and got up later this morning - that's something I need to fix. I did Johnathan's no excuse boxing workout 30 mins and yoga for 35-45? mins? that morning.
Today I have a 10hr shift at work so I didn't want to over-exert myself, I'm so tired and my muscles are in signiicant pain. I didn't want to exercise but I though, I have to do something. So I did the yoga dvd and I feel a bit better, the pain's not as bad. I'm just really scared of what's happening and I want it to be real, I want it to happen but then these silly, cosmetic concerns (like hanging skin, don't want to get sick) I want to lose weight quickly, of course, I'm sure most people do but I don't want to kill myself doing it either. When I feel like this, I don't feel like I can trust my own judgment.
Oh, work already, I have to go!